Midnight
by MetalBrigade
Summary: Hachiman is left pensive over the falling out he had with Yukinoshita. On the eve before the prom, Hachiman has a serious allergic reaction and falls into an induced sleep. Could this be the opportunity he needs to finally put all of the pieces together? Fragments of emotion alone spell success or failure- dreaming or not.
1. Chapter 1 - Leftover Thoughts

**"At the very least, I wish I won't be be wrong anymore"**

 _She's speaking to me like a treasured friend..._

 _"I'd never argued or fought like we did...nor cried in front of others. I was so nervous when we went out together, and it was the first time I was so unsure of what to do...I didn't even know it was okay to rely on someone. That's why it went wrong somewhere..."_

 _The way she acts in front of me now is so different to the first day I met her. I look to the sunset, it makes it difficult to see her face. I can only hear the way her voice wavers like ripples through water._

 _"This kind of imitation-like relationship is wrong. It's definitely different to what you desired."_

 _Her monologue ties things together like that, and when I realized that the end is coming, I finally look at her face when the sun dips below the window of the Service Club room._

 _There's no way to hold on to whatever hope I have, even if there's nothing completely gone._

 _"I'm okay, I'm...okay now. I was saved by you."_

 _Such heartrending words._

 _To think that this is the way it ends- the way that the Ice Queen wounds me most, after everything she'd said._

 _"That's why, this match, and this relationship, let's end it with this."_

 _She says with dignity, as if this is the correct course of action. I don't wish to subscribe to this like her, but what can I do? I don't deserve to say anything else._

 _This is because I have nothing left. Every reason I have to stay with her are all gone. Even with all I owe to her._

 _To say something else would be to insult this girl, who is prepared to fall on her sword, even though I pray she has a change of heart._

 _"Alright...It's my loss", I say, ready to remain on this sinking ship._

 _She tells me her final request...the nails in the coffin..._

 _"Please grant Yuigahama's wish."_

 _This is one rare time that I fake a smile. I either smile when I have no choice to, or never smile at all. This time, I think her act in my private eye should be rewarded with a smile rather than something spawned from the numb antipathy inside of me._

 _I accept this openly and leave for what I presume to be the last time._

 _I never hear her actual final words as I shut the door with as much grace as I can muster._

* * *

It was a long walk home from Sobu High School. It was still cold, even with the sun sheltering me.

 _Wish? What difference will it make?_ I thought after hearing Yukinoshita's proposal.

Yukinoshita's request was something I expected, but didn't hope for. Somehow, I knew that somewhere in that room, I had realized the mistake I made coming there. I kept my mouth moving, focused so firmly on her body language, her eyes, her words. It was unnerving the way she caught my words, while I struggled to keep my composure. It all made me wish I never ended up at the same school as her.

But still...I felt the urgency to say something, even if it brings us to the conclusion that makes the air to my back feel ten degrees colder. The conclusion that makes me tighten my jaw.

 _"Let's put an end to this"._

It seemed like the relationship our routinely superficial triumvirate had created was running its course. But even now, I feel the strange inner command to not only obey, but carry out Yukinoshita's request to the best of my ability. Yui Yuigahama is an acquaintance. But soon, sometime during prom, she will be rewarded with a response to her wish. Her wish can be interpreted in two ways. But only one can actually remain, since my ties to Yukino were just recently, for lack of a better word, torpedoed.

 _Her wish..._ I continue to make my way to my house. I can see some lights on. I have the sinking feeling that Komachi will be able to tell that something happened. I need to put on my normal face, with the bored eyes and lethargic frown that would give poker professionals trouble.

Before I can forget, I take out my phone and run through all ten of my prized contacts. Mom and Dad. Komachi.

Ah, there it is. I tap on the delete button attached to Yukino Yukinoshita's contact profile. No need for that, really, unless every contact I have suddenly gets drafted and I need someone to bring me MAX Coffee to France. Wait- I can't even speak English. The only trace of Yukinoshita was erased on my phone, with not even a mention of her number in my call logs. With that business taken care of, I shuffled my shoes on the welcome mat. Komachi will probably want to know where I was.

 _"_ _Avoiding my inner conflicts"_ I'll say.

 _"Onii-chan? Are you being earnestly introspective for once?"_

 _"Of course not! April Fool's."_

 _"Sheesh! I'd rather you not fool yourself at all."_

That would probably happen. Although, while introspection wouldn't be a far cry, I find it less stressful to inspect other people instead. Though, I'm only right part of the time. _Like with Yukinoshita._ I don't think I could've figured her out if I had a schema of her psyche.

 _Although...I felt like I could have...eventually._

Stupid. Time travel is just not an option. And since when did figuring Yukinoshita out come before going into my nice, warm house.

If I keep this kind of thing up, I'll end up in court with stalking charges. I shudder. Funny I should think about that now, since I'd been called creepy half my life. One look at me, and I'd be found guilty. _"He tried to lure me in with his grotesque dead fish eyes!"._ I would be found guilty, and when I finally get to prison, not even the other pedophiles will want anything to do to me.

I enter the house and am greeted with Komachi's sisterly care first and the gust of welcoming warmth second.

I move into the interior after taking off my day to day shoes, which are my only real pair of shoes, and leaving them next to Komachi's many. "How was your day!" she asks. I partly ignored her in that typically weary way.

"It was fine", I say, after a long yawn. Immediately after my reply, Komachi continued.

"Today, I talked to Kawasaki Taishi about seeing that movie this weekend! You know, the one with the alien going into that lawnmower. And then he said that his elder sister was looking for prom dresses today..."

"Wow...I see..." I say periodically, without any encouraging looks.

But then again, she clearly doesn't need any encouragement. She also made it easy to tell that the on-goings of my life were not quite as important as...well...something about aliens. I still half ignore her as I slump all my school items onto the couch. I would stop there to take a seat and relax, but I feel like I want to be alone. Maybe some music will take my mind off of Yukinoshita for awhile.

I ascend the stairs carefully, having tripped to escape the forays of inexplicable youth one too many times to count. My room is quiet. My mind is eased into some music as I let my mind avoid and dance around the failing smile...the forlorn eyes.

 _"Let's put an end to this..."_ I shake it off like I'm headbanging at a Slayer concert.

I focus on the lyrics until I'm dreaming them. My eyes are closing and I don't stop them.

* * *

My eyes break to find there are no lights to help me out of bed safely. I use my hand to glide along the edge and sit myself up. I missed the sunset. The stars are out, now fully in view after I open my rarely opened curtains. The tabletop light allows me to find my slippers, so that I can put my phone on the charger. It's already past midnight, but what's even more surprising is that I have a missed call.

Yui Yuigahama contacts me alot more often than I would like. I rub my eye and use it's natural partner to scan the screen. If I'm heading to the ending I think I'll end up at, then I should learn to get used to receiving her calls.

I grimace. I stand up again and begin pacing the room as the innocent humming penetrates the comforting silence.

"Yahello".

"Yo" I say, preparing to say every word with not a touch of care.

"Hikki...it's past twelve".

"Oh...um" I stutter, unsure of what to say. Should I apologize? Should I apologize for waking her up...for not answering her first call?

Wait. I'm not dating her. "What did you want?" I add.

"Oh! Well, I was wondering what you and Yukinon talked about today", she says with more energy than before.

I thought that I escaped that memory. I should've instinctively known that I would have to be the messenger. But maybe I don't have to be...

"That's a bit of a long story. Maybe you should talk to Yukinoshita about it", I say, trying to dodge the topic. I feel dizzy from pacing and sit down at the rim of my bed, hoping that Yuigahama accepts my reply.

"Hikki! I already tried!"

"And?"

"She said to talk to you! She said that you could tell me what you two had...", Yuigahama paused. "...Ah! Compromised! She said that you accepted her request".

Shards of the painful vision remained vividly clear. High definition memories were recalled before my tired eyes.

"We had an understanding", I say.

"Wha-what do you mean?" Yuigahama persists.

I tried to defuse this, but maybe the truth would be... _genuine?_

"She and I aren't...", I start. "She and I...", I hesitate.

Silence.

I exhale. Scratching my head, I have another go.

"She and I decided it would be logical to part ways" I say frankly.

Silence.

"She said she wanted me to..." I stop myself. This has to wait.

"What" Yuigahama says plainly.

"We can talk about that later. It has to do with her request", I attempt to explain.

"Fine..." Yuigahama says, clearly unsatisfied. "But Hikki, what really happened between you two?"

It was a long story. Thinking about it now makes me feel...frustrated and... _helpless?_ Lost as I am, I give her my answer. "It was fine. We were both okay with it."

"But..But! You promised that you would always help her. You said...at the boardwalk ferris wheel..." she opens up, clearly referring to the ultimate outline I made that may have doomed our relationship, under the light of the dying sun. Or renewing night.

"She said she was fine", I say, the first bit that I didn't shortcut.

I remember it. The feeling of my compulsive excuses finally meeting the sword. The light of her eyes fading and my reason to stay with her, acquaintance or not, fading with it. Her figure still warming me, even from across the room, telling me that was the end. That our trust, our familiarity, had expired.

I realize that today, or should I say yesterday, would be harder to not think about than I originally thought. I wait for Yuigahama to end the call. She wastes little time, clearly tired, and probably upset that her ideal situation for us is no more.

I stand alone in the darkness of my room where I, Hachiman Hikigaya, met the midnight of my mind for the first time.


	2. Chapter 2 - Blank State

Today has been slow, which is really a remarkable understatement. After the call with Yuigahama, I simply never went back to sleep.

The idea of Yuigahama, the queen of airheads and sunshine, sulking in the ruins of her former dream, made me wince. I shouldn't have called her back so late. In such a tired state of mind, I couldn't carry a formal conversation. Her voice was like a sheet of ice under my roof. I was glad to be under my warm comforter, even if my eyes wouldn't close.

Komachi is missing from the house, leaving the buzzing TV on in her wake.

The sun didn't welcome me at all as I closed the door behind me. The only thing I allow to prevail in my mind is that today, and every day henceforth, would be taken in blind stride. In a blank state. This is a plan that had crossed my mind since that conversation. I feel like the only way to escape the hourglass I'm trapped in is the simply ignore the drowning sand. It's worked before, after all.

My shoes clacked against the ground, which seemed to have made harder from the lower temperatures. I selected my bike, leaning against the wall beneath a cleverly placed balcony shelf protecting the bike from any possible snowfall.

I began my trek.

Just as I expected, it was frosty. The loose pieces on windows that display the latest local events and unbelievable prices noisily shudder. I could stand around pretending to smoke a cigarette with the amount of fog I'm submitting to the chilly, nearly gusty wind with every exhale. Then after that I'll buy a leather jacket and comb and grease my hair back. I can be a rebel at last.

I put my scarf up around the bottom of my face so that my gross eyes can telescope the rest of the way to school.

Maybe the reason my eyes are so terrible is because of a natural, inherited defense to the cold. I shiver and blink the frost off of my eyelids. _Much good these eyes do me, if that's the case,_ I think. _Maybe rather than defense, their ugliness gives them offensive powers._ I think back to the moments at the mall, or the school festival, where crowds of people would make a royal partway after just a glance.

I'm thinking too much of myself. I'm not a public entertainer or some guy with a serious disorder. Actually, it depends on how you would define disorder. It's not like I see a lot of people with eyes like mine or dispositions as horribly ill-arranged as mine.

 _Come to Hikki Con! We have fun games like taking long 'hands in pockets' walks in the woods and sitting at a desk pretending you are in another world where you have control! Test your luck and see how many people close to you who you can alienate by overthinking!_

Actually, that sounds like my idea of a good time...

 _Check out the snack bar!_

Good, all the dead fish eyes misanthropes can sit by themselves at separate tables.

 _We only have MAX Coffee!_

Even better, no need to worry about people with allergies or picky eaters.

 _After a well prepared meal, begin plan for world domination!_

Think again. Dead fish eyes people will most likely be too disinterested to participate. Also, I can't imagine a room of four people like me overthrowing international parliaments. We would make too many unreasonable demands.

I chuckle a little and shake my head a tad, if not to reflect on my woeful shortcomings then to loosen up from the icy weather encapsulating me.

Sobu was not far from here. I take the crosswalk. When I get to the light pole I see Zaimokuza is standing across the street.

Oh no.

He's waving at me.

He's dressed in cold weather gear too, but being as big as he is, all the extra stuff makes him look like a navy blue marshmellow.

He's still there, waving with a goofy sneer, waiting for me. I take my time crossing when the signal turns green. "Hachiman! My ally! My fellow cadet!" he calls out as I reach the foreign curb.

 _What is this? Starship Troopers?_

"Oh...morning" I say, without stopping to issue even a consolation bow. I continue through the gates, ready to pass the daily stragglers unfortunate enough to witness my arrival.

"If I wasn't part _betazoid,_ I wouldn't be able to tell that you are extremely fatigued!". _Aren't you lively today, Zaimokuza._

"How surprising".

"Gollum!" he made a choking noise, "Really?".

"No. You don't need to share genes with even a real telepath to tell that I'm tired", I shut down his fantasy.

"You...I can sense..."

"What?", I say, annoyed.

"I can sense". He puts his hand up to his forehead in what he probably imagines to be a wizardly fashion.

I enter the main building and go towards my locker. I hope that Zaimokuza will take the hint and go to his own locker.

"I am sensing..."

He follows me even after my shoes are on and I leave the rows of dull lockers. I must let him go...before the staircase.

"What. What are you sensing".

"I am sensing that you do not believe me!" he shouts and points at me, doing well to draw any attention to us that wasn't there to begin with.

"The only thing I believe in is self-awareness and self-efficacy." I say with a sly smile. _Both are something Zaimokuza should take note of._

"Gollum! You sound more like a business man than a loner".

I am almost there...the stairs are within sprinting range.

"Give me a chance...I can tell you what you're thinking about", Zaimokuza adds. "I have to go to class", I say. The lard jumps in front of me unexpectedly. I almost fall back in surprise.

"The elements! The stars are aligning!". I roll my eyes. Please, someone save me. "I can feel...repression. I can feel a deep wound that is..."

For a moment I freeze.

"...mended temporarily with adhesives..."

 _What in the world?_

"You seem hellbent on letting it go..."

 _I don't even..._

"Into the void, where...your deepest desires have gone to die..."

Zaimokuza looks up from his sage-like pose and...

I feel like crying.

I move past him without a word. "Hachiman..." he says, innocent and confused.

He's a good person. I like to tease him, but if I were even a bit different, I don't think I would've even let him follow me this far. He reminds me of proto-me, always escaping into ruthlessly unstoppable delusions. And then I would wonder, as a younger Hikigaya, why a girl won't go to a movie with me (or more commonly, I would wonder why everyone is calling me "Warlockgaya-kun"). Now things are different. I have chosen for nobody to talk to me, rather than a few people teasing me. Things are different...

 _"I'm...okay now. I was saved by you"._

I'm a savior, a legend of logic. A martyr...a pariah. Then again, I've always been a pariah.

 _But even a pariah has the right to speak up. To reconquer, to reshape. Even if she hates him._

 _Did she ever not hate me?_

I could keep guessing all day. I could assemble all of the proof- facts like tattered newspaper clippings and old photographs- on a wall in my basement. I could trace Yukinoshita's words and actions like a line on a map. I would mark the places we've been to, back to when we met, making a cluster of snapshot portraits on that wall. There would be no point, though. I don't have enough tape...

The class is in a clamor of the rite of spring. You could build a sand castle with this much debate.

"Don't say that Hayato!" Yumiko fumes.

"Say what? I was only trying to explain myself..."

Their voices grow distant because I want them to disappear like leaves in winter. The voices I detect are still rich with youthful energy. Now that this blank state is in effect, I don't have the desire to think up something profound. It's kind of wrong. I'm usually full of it.

I sit down at my desk at the rim of the room and wait for class to start.

With Zaimokuza gone, I feel out of breath. Something seemed to possess him today...it was too weird- even uncanny. But then again, when is he ever normal. I decide not to question it. For all I care, he really did see a sign of the heavens when he looked up to the school building ceiling.

Miss Hiratsuka jostles in on the tips of her feet about five minutes late. She cracks open a hefty textbook and begins a lesson on something about western romantic literature. It's interesting, but I can barely keep my neck stiff enough to keep staring. I'm blindly entranced in my blank state.

I thank Yuigahama for the yawns I'm forced to keep down.

Tiredly, I make it through the first few hours of the school day.

* * *

The bell chimes at 11:00, signalling the ever crowded release of hungry students for the brief but heavenly lunch break. It's cold but I don't feel like being cooped up with the other pigs. I adorn my coat and scarf and take my sushimi on a walk. I pass the classrooms that, like mine, don't notice me walking by. I creep down the stairs through a group of council friends and close in on my special place.

It is noticeably warmer out than it was when I came in this morning. While I get to feel the phenomenon of both breezes as chilly as ever, the sun is doing its duty, which is good. It makes up for yesterday when I all I could feel was the harsh reality of recovering plant life this time of year. The freeze. Although, I heard that the weather should get considerably better before and during Yukinoshita's prom.

I take small bites. The place is as peopleless as I always expect. It's good to see that unlike me, and the complications of relationships, some of the simple things in life haven't changed at all.

This spot, sleep, MAX Coffee, and sleep will have to keep me satisfied until they release Half-Life 3. Wait! Did I say sleep twice?

No, I didn't.

The reviving trees scattered across the lawn faced me like I was the sole defendant at a tribunal.

Of course. They were waiting for me to slip up...and for just a moment focus on the reality that I would have kept secretly sequestered if it weren't for Zaimokuza. _Yukino Yukinoshita. Her request. The prom._ The way she seems to elegantly dismiss what I needed her to address. What I needed _me_ to address but can't. After all, I have no more reasons to involve myself with her.

She hates the way I do things...so I tried to alter that. And I hate the way she puts other people's needs first before hers.

I can't say that now.

I was lucky I left that place without any animosity between us. Or at least, any animosity on my end. I looked at the blooming trees, the young sprouts of Spring. I still revere her...but curse this conclusion. The wind dies down. I uncomfortably swallow down the rest of my lunch and tie up my package in an orderly way. The trees say their goodbye while I focus on something else.

I remember when I sat here over a year ago, with Yuigahama visiting me. What did she say? Something about in-groups. That Yukinoshita and I were like an in-group to Yuigahama. That was a long time ago, so that would be all I can remember. Even something that small...

I place a cold, gloveless hand on my chest and go inside. Class will be starting up again very soon. Students rendezvous with each other in the lobby and the thin vestibule before the flight of stairs. I pass the lockers and climb back up to the second floor classroom I belong to. _Five minutes early._ I grunt, _I guess that would explain all the idle students the floor below._

It's not long after Miss Hiratsuka starts her post-lunch lesson that I fall asleep on my notes.

* * *

I wake up from my dangerously addicting dream with dismay and slight confusion. The classroom is emptying. The sounds of the chaotic disorder that is the daily rush must have woken me up. I feel a sharp flick on my ear to my flank. It's Miss Hiratsuka. My ear feels numb. It is definitely not the sound of scraping chairs and desks that woke me up.

"I had half a mind to call you out in front of the whole class!" she smirks. I lift my head and shake myself awake lightly. It's embarrassing enough for your teacher to wake you up.

"I appreciate your thoughtfulness", I say with some ingredient of sarcasm, which earns me another fun surprise. Miss Hiratsuka takes her hands off of her hips and places them on the top of my chair. Before I have the chance to get up, she yanks the chair out from under me. Luckily, no one I know was around to see me hit the floor with a dull smack.

"That was mature", I say. Miss Hiratsuka is laughing too hard to hear me. Standing up, it feels like I have a broken spine. I miss the days where a guy can just harmlessly take a nap in class.

"What did I miss?" I say when I finally get an opportunity to be heard between her childish giggles.

"Well, it was mostly some basic calculus" she says with a wink. I want to flick her now.

"Really..."

"No. But seriously, it's nothing to worry about. I can excuse you from this chapter!" she remarks.

"I don't think you're taking your job as a teacher very seriously".

"I am! This is one of the many powers I get to exercise as a teacher", she smiles. She seems to be treating me really nicely for some reason. The wise, blue eyes clue me in. She knows more than I could guess.

 _May as well take advantage of this,_ I think.

"Fine with me" I say, knowing well the origin of this generosity.

"Good! Now get out of here!" I grab my book bag and exit the classroom. A few steps from the door after my exit I hear Miss Hiratsuka

"You can talk to me about anything on your mind, you know!" That should really be her catchphrase by now. Nevertheless, I can't deny it has a comforting sound to it. I nod back to her and give a quick wave. _I will probably take you up on that someday, Miss Hiratsuka._

I leave the school grounds without a care- without a thought. The club room will feel cozier without me there. Yukinoshita, having been completely saved and Yuigahama, with her wish in mind.

I take the usual way home.

Passing storefronts and small communal businesses, I notice some color spotlighted by the sun. A bed of young flowers. Chrysanthemums, I think. Their light purple beauty is relaxing. It is a hopeful sign. Somehow, the cold will fade, and these most precious auspices will prevail in the end. They will have to think, struggle, stress. But, in the end, they may give color to my blank state.


	3. Chapter 3 - Skipping Halcyon Memories

Nothing's on.

I settle at last on the local Chiba news broadcast. The anchorman signs off and gives away the weather team. They claim that things will be sunny tomorrow, again, but with new highs.

I sigh.

The couch feels cold and clinical, and it reminds me of the chair I had in the Service Club room. But there, the company and the times we had together were...unfortunately spent.

 _No better than wasting away in front of the TV._

I switched the channel one more time in hopes I'll retrieve better thoughts from the constantly circulating roster. The channel is airing a game show where contestants have to read a phrase in a certain character's voice. The points are awarded based on the cheers or boos the person gets from the crowd. It's alarming to imagine the average salary man acting out a piece of Shakespeare canon in the voice of Elmo.

After the finalists finish their anticlimactic competition, I decided enough is enough. I manage to grasp my way off of the sofa, my imprint making it harder than it needs to be.

I make a good effort. I leave the room.

The house is quieter now that Komachi has gone up to her room for the evening. She's probably texting Kawasaki or something.

 _Maybe I should pay that kid a visit. There's an old baseball bat around here somewhere..._

There's some yakisoba on the table. Komachi did I good job with it.

The lime seasoning was a deft touch, not too overpowering and not too understated. I could learn a thing or too from Komachi, something about deft touches. Although, cooking is definitely more her skill. I grabbed the bowl I'd used before and rinsed it out quickly. The seconds I dished out are not nearly as satisfying as the first round when it was fresh.

It's 10:00. The clock is keeping me company as I sit at my computer. It's the normal routine. I check the usual pages I like to keep tabs on, I watch a video, play a few games. It's an unhealthy cycle, but it passes the time. It even, in a way, helps me sleep.

I suddenly feel warmed by the response to my defiance of time. It was late, but not long ago I had no real desire to go to bed.

But now, I can feel my eyes get heavy and my limbs seem to lose a few pounds. Something else confuses me. It feels like a pinch in my mind. For once, it has nothing to do with the events of yesterday, or the memories I made during my tenure in the Service Club. I realize that I have no plans in place for my future. I don't have a plan at all. Even though it's a stressful moment, thinking about all the things I seem to have subconsciously postponed, I feel relieved.

I will start thinking more about that tomorrow. For now, I am way too tired to even read the print on the screen.

The computer shuts down with an industrial sigh. I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth. _I will figure out my future._ I changed out of my street clothes into something more comfortable. _Even if it means tuning out the memories that made me who I am._ The bed is warm and envelopes me like a natural hot spring. I am losing tension. Before I forget, I sit up and close my curtains. _Even if my future means abandoning all I've built here. But..._

Time slows down.

 _I've already abandoned her._

* * *

I woke up and got ready for school, feeling better rested than yesterday. It was the usual tedium. Walking to school is also an autopilot affair. The only thing I notice as I trudge up the fair retrograde is the box of infant flowers I noticed on my way back from school yesterday.

They are cold but it seems like every minute, they grow a little more.

The walk to school was quicker. I didn't use my scarf like I have been recently and there were fewer clouds of breath fog. The cross walk is emptier than usual, probably because I got here in record time. Zaimokuza is standing on the distant shore, waving again. He probably wants to ask about yesterday, but I can't afford that.

"Greetings to you! My comrade!", Zaimokuza shouts. I walk past again, and he steps up by my side. I'm more willing to enter a conversation with him today, but only if it stays in the corporeal realm.

"Hey", I say, "What's new".

I shouldn't have asked. It was a breach of Hachiman code!

"I am currently writing a new novel! This time, I am following in the footsteps of famous Scotland Yard detective Sherlock Holmes! Only...instead of a normal human, he is a cyborg sub-human sent from the future to track down and assassinate people!" Zaimokuza declared energetically, with his meaty fist raised in the air to the cloud studded sky. I partly want to mock him a bit. I think he and I both know what he's ripping off this time. Seriously, can't you come up with an idea of your own? _"Hachiman! Gollum! These people get pickle related powers when kissed by the ponies of Agathor!"_ I take it back. Something from the depths of his own thoughts would be way to scary to put on paper.

We enter the lobby and I immediately go over to my locker again. The smells and sounds that reflect the follies of youth are too much to handle, so I usually make an effort to be quick. Any more gossip about "that girl who has been held back five times" or the drama about "the boyfriend who talks to his girlfriend's bestfriend too much" and I'll throw myself off a bridge.

Zaimokuza and I split ways.

I'm left surprised that he never mentioned the strangely specific premonitions he'd made yesterday. Honestly Zaimokuza, what drugs are you taking.

After I entered the classroom, everything went by in a grey blur.

It's not surprising, but what is surprising was my ability to stay awake. Maybe it's not though, considering the beating my ear took the other day.

I don't want to imagine what Miss Hiratsuka would've done to wake me up again.

The final bell rang.

It's a relief to finally stand up and stretch and then sit, pretend to be busy while I watch Miss Hiratsuka and the students shuttle off to their clubs. The afternoon sky is anxiety inducing. It's neither partly cloudy nor partly sunny, and the setting sun made me feel something profusely urgent.

Something almost biological tries to inform me that it was time to go to the Service Club room.

I shake my head. I won't need to go there any more...I have more important things to do.

Although, even with the events that I told myself matter to me alot, I still imagine even for just a fraction of a moment that beautiful face. That girl sitting there calmly reading her book or talking to Yuigahama. I find so little about that image comforting, now that I have Yukinoshita's request...and those final words. _The goodbye_.

I wake myself up by standing and walking out of the classroom so abruptly that it makes me nauseous.

I thought that I would come downstairs to find scarce students and the leftovers that loiter around almost as if waiting for me to finally come down with a friend.

Instead, there are almost no classmates to be found.

Out of the few, one in particular stands out to me.

For a fox, she sure needs to work on her ambush stratagem. I can see her hair, as duplicitous as she is, sticking out from the corner near the stair landing.

For a second, I feel like poking her and catching her off guard, but I don't want her to tease me about "hitting on her" again. As if. She should know that I have incredibly high standards. Instead, I decide to keep walking down the hall with the windows letting the sun glow reach my right side.

Almost like clockwork, she springs out at me.

"Sennnnpai!" shouts Isshiki, bringing down her thin hands on my shoulders. I turn around, clearly unsurprised.

"Senpai..." she groans, annoyed by my lack of expression. Without stopping my way to the door, I talk.

"I think you should dye your hair grey" I mock.

"What? Is there something wrong with my hair. I thought it was super cute!", returns Isshiki, attempting an overly adorable pose on my left. The setting sun accentuates the colors of her hair perfectly. Something tells me that this almost-Komachi-level fox timed this exchange exactly right. I don't know if we'd be talking right now if the sun was obstructed by heavy clouds.

"Leave me alone, maybe I'm colorblind", I say.

"That would explain nothing..." Isshiki whispers, now by my side. "So, senpai, are you ready for prom?"

"I am", I say, ready to spring the trap.

"And no, I'm not asking about all the things you are going to do instead of going to the prom...", bites the fox.

Damn, she's prepared!

"There's alot we have to get in order, but preparations should be starting tomorrow. Overall, I'm excited." she stops walking with me to stare out the glass wall beside us. She has a look of longing on her face that takes me back to the days when I helped her with the student council. Those days seem so long ago, but that look says it all. Even now, I still don't know what to make of it.

"Let me guess, you want me to help?" I suggest, having been forced to stop as well. Eventually, she stops looking out the window and looks back at me. She moves in close with her hands clasped together from behind in that cute way. It makes me blush, I know it does but I can't help it. I look the other way.

"You don't have to help set up...", she begins. I sigh with relief. Then she gets a little closer. I can smell her perfume. "...but I want you to at least come".

It was a brash line, said in such a serious way. It was enough to make a weaker man pass out. I stand stoically in my trademark way, to hide the expression that would betray me instantly. "Oh...okay. Maybe", is all I can say. We continue walking as soon as she's sure I meant it.

"Do you have any plans tomorrow after school?", asks Isshiki. We exit the building and almost immediately she tucks her scarf around her collar.

"You know I don't", I say.

"I was about to become jealous if you said that you did", she joked. She shivers slightly, enough to make me want to give her my own scarf.

"Don't you have plans with prom stuff?"

"Yes, but I've delegated it all to people better suited to handle that level of organization. I can supervise the details the weekend of the prom". We exited the gate and stopped. This is where we part ways.

"I don't think that you should form habits like that", I say, ever the responsible senpai.

"Why not? I learned that modus operandi from you, senpai!", she is quick to remind me. It was like staring into a mirror and seeing the much cuter, more amiable female version of myself. Call me Dr. Frankenstein. "-anyways! I'm wondering if you would want to help me with something else..." she gets serious again.

"What is it?", I say.

"I have a friend on the student council who has a...well..." she stops to think.

"Let's just say she has an admirer like you", she smirks, "he asked her out, probably to ask her to the prom. She doesn't want to turn him down, so I thought you could maybe...ward him off?"

Isshiki looks at me expecting a retort or something. _What am I, a bad luck charm? A voodoo artifact?_

Before I can say anything she adds "I'll be there too. It'll only be for awhile after school, at some coffee place I think".

I want to say yes. I feel like moving on and doing something, anything, to avoid the feeling of universal emptiness I've had since that day.

"I'll have to check some things out with Komachi".

I can feel the images of her tears coming up, approaching a sector of habitability I must not allow. Yukinoshita. Isshiki. University. Even spelled out like that, Yukinoshita and the halcyon memories I made with her feel infinitely more important than any acceptance letter or the friendship of a loyal kouhai. I want to deny it though, I don't even want to think about it. I hate this cowardice, and I hated that cowardice in the Service Club room then. I feel sore and raw.

 _Enough of this._

"I'll do it", I proclaim, not bothering to support what I said about checking things out with Komachi. Not like Isshiki would buy it anyway.

Everything I do now, everything I say and do will be in a massed effort to control the thoughts that threaten me. And when every little thing that brings me back to that sunlit room, to her smile and the way she looked at me _in the infirmary..._ I'll annihilate them all and replace them.

I'll move on with all of my strength that I know is genuine, and in a collective campaign skip those halcyon memories.


	4. Chapter 4 - The Date

In the morning, I found my way to school. I sat through class like the loner I've always been. I sat by myself at lunch. I ignored the normal teenage qualms. The same old story repeats.

Today, the only thing that sets my mental focus astray is the information I've been preparing since yesterday.

The conversation I had with Isshiki, my junior, about her colleague in the student council and her personal romeo. If I'm supposed to thwart this guy... _what is his name?_ I don't remember. I'm sure Isshiki never told me.

Anyways, I felt like I should take a fatherly approach, or something close to that.

If I ever have kids of my own, I would want to make sure my daughter was safe guarded from undesirable boys. Although, as an undesirable myself, I felt like this goal is sort of a paradox. Maybe my higher calling as a father would overtake my status as an undesirable.

The situation was clear. Isshiki's friend (who I'll just refer to as "Normal Girl", or "Normal" for short), is supposedly a gentle head.

The proceedings should be a simple case of making my presence there felt. I was sort of a defeating element, like a rival worker subbing in for your employee evaluation. I smile, knowing I'll never be naive enough to be in that situation. Hachiman Hikigaya, corporate work slave just doesn't have a good ring. The cafe was just north of Sobu High School. I am on my way to meet Isshiki and Normal at the outdoor commons area, since the weather is nice enough. With my hands sheltered in my coat pockets, I contemplate my role all the way there.

The boy is probably just a nice kid, so there is no need for overkill.

I just need to make sure that his proposal is never heard.

This setup reminded me of a certain request I examined on the Kyoto trip not long ago. In fact, I figured that just making an alliance with Normal and getting rejected on the spot would be an easy solution. It was a good plan to begin with. Logical and appropriate, but almost an exact copy of the plan I deployed on that Kyoto trip. If I do that...it will be clear that I haven't learned anything since joining the Service Club. It would be a complete failure to recognize the flaws that ended that chapter of my life.

 _And ended, more specifically... **her** place in it._

I am helping Isshiki for reasons I believe in. With that in mind, there are many solutions to this, and so I settled on one that I think will produce a neutral conclusion. I feel the special item in my pocket.

If all goes well, maybe I can put all of my mental devotion into figuring out my plans after high school. And after that, I should be graduated and free to pursue whatever my heart desires. I can walk away with my mistakes and guilty memories buried in the school courtyard.

I've had enough of my youth, after all. If I could sue the rom-com Gods for this farce, I would.

I take a step into the fresh air and calming light of day. It's perfect for a walk. My head already feels slightly clearer than before. I can see two girls standing close together. "Normal", standing shyly behind Isshiki, has violet hair done in pigtails and was classically bespectacled. I receive a wave from Isshiki and halfheartedly return it. I return my hand to its cave pocket and sullenly approach them the rest of the way. Isshiki takes her friend my the hand and leads her partway, so that we all meet at the center of the commons.

I feel uncomfortable.

Two strange girls, one whom I barely know.

Just by looking at her, Normal seems exactly like the type to be almost incapable of breaking a guy's heart.

Not like she gets the opportunity very often; she's not my type for sure.

I'd already given her the once-over examination I do with every new person I am forced to interact with. Just from my walk from the doors to where I stand now, I can tell she's the shadowy, repressed sort. Just a brick in the wall. She seems a bit basic, even as far as bricks go. Instead of Normal, she should be called "Brick", if not by looks or first impressions then by the fact that I got the exact opposite feeling when looking at her compared to looking at Yukinoshita for the first time.

I ignore the memory of that first encounter and center myself.

"Took you long enough, senpai!" greeted Isshiki. She pokes me in the ribs playfully.

How embarrassing.

I wonder what Normal's first impression of me is.

No need to dwell on that. If she's seen my face, then I already know her opinion. But given the way she almost doesn't want to make eye contact, I don't know if she actually has seen my face. _Good for you! Never look at me! Unless those glasses of yours change your perspective to glorify my natural beauty._

"I had things to grab", I lie. Really, I'm a slow walker.

"Let's go, I'm sure we're already late", says Isshiki, already taking the lead after checking the time on her phone.

We have ten minutes to walk a quarter of a mile North. The pace is harsh to me. _Isshiki, I've trained you all this time. Now it's time to carry your senior._ I catch Normal give me a quick look as we depart. The gate behind us, we walk with disparaged companionship. Isshiki continues to lead Normal and I, her flock, to this cafe.

I hope it's not some trendsetting place that the local hipsters flock to in order to enjoy their abnormal tastes. I hope they know that they're enjoyment of unconventional things is actually very common among younger communities.

Maybe they'll clear out when they see me. Unless...antisocial and aloof is the newest cool! Maybe being a hipster isn't so bad if that's correct.

The buildings around us grow more together in their density. The city life has gone from suburban to urban as we walk closer to the midtown station. The sunset paints the sidewalk before us.

"I'm hungry! I hope they have scones...or muffins...Aren't you, Tani-chan?" asks Isshiki, looking back at Normal. I'm surprised she couldn't list off any more java bar junk.

"O-oh! Sure", she answers, practically silent. "Tani-chan" shuffles along. It makes my pace seem a bit too fast.

 _You need more exercise, Normal. That, or at least lift up your feet._

"I want to get something with espresso added!" Isshiki proclaims. She pumps a fist at her side. Just how much of this is for my benefit compared to Normal's? Unless Isshiki is just a serious caffeine advocate.

 _Isshiki, you do not_ _need_ _espresso at 5 o'clock._

"M-me too", adds Normal, after shooting me another look. I won't get anything at all if they don't vend MAX Coffee.

Actually, I could get a banana nut scone. I had one when my family and I took a trip to Nagasaki when I was younger. It was the only thing that didn't make me queasy.

"Maybe after this, we can all go see a movie", the fox wondered, her head perking up as if she were a hawk listening in on the whereabouts of her next meal. She looked behind her to look at us. We were still at her rear, just letting her take us there. For once, I don't need to carry any of her groceries. Even so, I miss having some other purpose besides just being around.

"I-I have to get back to m-my house. Sorry president". Normal seems nice alright. For once, this is someone without an ulterior agenda I need to take into account.

I don't let myself think that. I don't dare let myself think that.

These people- these nice, simple people are almost guaranteed to be psychologically flawed.

Look at all of history's most notorious, infamous murderers and sociopaths. They seemed pretty nice and thoughtful too, at the beginning. This is, to say, until they go off on an unforeseeable tangent. But all of them appealed to the mindless population as average people.

Except Jim Jones. That guy was practically born a psychopath.

 _I don't trust you Normal, since Normal is exactly how you want to be seen. I don't believe this shy act for once second!_

She almost catches me with my eyes narrowed.h

"Awwwe!", whines Isshiki, "then maybe senpai can go with me again!"

She seems determined to get me involved in their conversation. I don't want to waste my energy since we're making good time. Wait! Again? I can't believe I forgot about the day I spent with Isshiki for her own personal research. Maybe I could've taken the lessons from that and applied them to this situation...

"A-again!?" Normal springs to life.

"Sorry I never told you Tani-chan. It must've been so terrible that I removed it away from my good memories!", says the spirited kouhai. Very funny, I got ten points! That's my best score!

* * *

We are standing across from the cafe.

The sun has almost set, and we can see the patrons decorating the classy joint by the interior lighting, including what appeared to be a young man dressed in our school colors.

He sat alone, at a table for two, sipping on an iced tea.

Perfect.

I feet the item I had retrieved today for my plan again. I hadn't worked out what I would say until out journey here, but now that I can feel the prop in my pocket a second time, I feel confident.

"Let's go!", Isshiki says, taking Normal by the hand across the street and expecting me to follow them. I reach the building at about the time they reach the poor guy's table. Before hand, I'd realized that I was about to sabotage what could very well be a younger me. He has my sympathies.

He is dressed in full uniform regalia. It even looks finely pressed and hand treated from a distance.

There is a jazz combo playing in the corner on a small stage. The bass player is taking a solo, and everyone else in the group turns down. It's a cool, calm atmosphere. The late afternoon crowd is limited to young couples making quiet chatter among the booths and lone college students finishing term papers on thin laptops. Somewhere rings a business man's cell phone. Chairs creak and orders are called in a hushed yell. A table jockey runs past me with an ensemble of small dishes.

Of course, there isn't a place to buy MAX Coffee anywhere in sight. For such a trendy place, one would assume they would consider the needs of their local Hachiman.

Thirsty and low on energy, I walk gloomily over to the table where Isshiki and Normal have already pulled up chairs.

I take a chair of my own and let it scrape against the ground. I got Isshiki's attention. She looks at me briefly to introduce me as a third year classmate at Sobu. The boy nods bitterly, my presence there already taking its intended effect. But Isshiki looks back me again sharply, her eyes narrow slits. Even Normal looks out of the loop.

Before entering and selecting a chair, I took the pair of glasses out of my pocket and put them on me. They're fakes, but they suit my needs perfectly. The boy at the table looks uncomfortable, but its not enough pressure to deny him the opportunity.

They make small talk about the prom. I interject very rarely, making sure to give myself an authoritative voice that demands the boy's attention. I had already adjusted the chair's height to make myself appear taller. And now, after about fifteen minutes of a semi-awkward conversation, kept circulated thanks to Isshiki, the time had come.

"-and that would give us enough time t-" Isshiki began. "-Um!" interrupted the boy, "I have something I need to say".

"Oh!" Isshiki shouts, looking my way. Normal looks ashen. The boy is looking between the three of us, seemingly prepared for anything.

"This is for Tani-chan only". Here it comes. It's now or never. I put on my contention face and twitch the glasses around to make sure extra attention is drawn to them.

"If you have something to say to my sister, you can say it to me too", I say in a business-like voice. Isshiki does better at hiding her surprise than Normal, who is blushing madly. Luckily, the dim lighting above the table hides most of the red that is spreading across her face like a plague. It's a success.

With the glasses comes a very convincing disguise. I suppose, to this boy, I appear to be an unconvinced older brother.

"I-I...", the boy spits out. He doesn't even raise a finger. The beads of sweat on his forehead are an obvious indicator of the lump caught in his throat.

"Go on", I prod.

"I-I...have to go now", the boy says as he leave in a rush. I smell the strong scent of cologne as he scurries past us. He heads through the door like he's running from an avalanche. Everybody in the place looks up at us. Isshiki has both hands over her mouth. Her chest is compressing and she is shaking with laughter. Normal looks dumbstruck, which is pretty funny honestly.

I take off the glasses and wait for Isshiki to stop laughing and clean up the mess she's making at the table with every jolt of laughter. "That was...u-unexpected". Normal is the first to recover. "T-thanks". Don't thank me, thank my natural resemblance to you. Isshiki has stopped laughing and is rubbing her nose with a napkin.

"That was impressive. Very dramatic", Isshiki commends, appearing honestly surprised.

"It helps that I have actual experience as an older brother", I say in earnest. This was just practice for when Komachi meets up with Kawasaki Taishi again.

We get up and settle our bill. The cashier thanks us for our visit, and after a bow we leave as silently as we came. Shit! I forgot to inform her that they would get more business if they add MAX Coffee. Oh well...

* * *

We decide that we should part ways at the entrance to Sobu High School. Normal is the first to leave. Maybe I'll see her around. Although, I won't be at a loss if I don't.

"Sennnpai!" shouts Isshiki, in that cute way.

She pounces on me from behind. The sensation that I'll probably never forget, yet makes me wish she was as attractive to me as someone else I know.

"Thank you for helping us out! If you want to, we can use your help with the catering for prom", Isshiki says, looking honestly hopeful. For a second, I actually want to agree on the spot. But I stand my ground.

"I have some other things I need to do this weekend", I say. I step away from her and begin to walk away in the direction of home. Looking back at the saddened fox was a mistake. Even though I know deep down that her superficial disappointment is just a ploy, I still feel the pull. The discreet feeling that I'd left a stone unturned lingers.

After a sigh, I direct my vision generously towards my junior.

"I will try to come..." I murmur, before turning away for the last time. Even with my back to her, I know she's smiling at my almost-promise.

"Goodnight, senpai!" she yells before my slow strides take me too far away.

I walk home, barely noticing any details of the route, barely registering the events of today that occurred on school grounds.

I chuckled at the cheap glasses I'd selected. I knew there was only a small chance that this girl wore glasses, but I decided that it would be worth the investment to make the brotherly disguise work. If she didn't wear glasses like the odds would suggest, then there were no worries.

Working like that reminded me of the activities I helped with in the Service Club. During that time, I feel like I did all kinds of things that were similar to this. Social work. My main weakness was socializing, but I seemed to get results. And now, after today, it seems like I finally made up for the mistakes and the poor plans I had always set in motion. Those plans that I diluted myself into thinking were logical and harmless.

 _Maybe I could've been worth something if Yukinoshita didn't have to watch me become obsessed and swallowed with the endgame_.

Of course, there's no way she could see me now.

That page has finally turned. My once idle finger, while shaking, is making headway in the book of my reality.

 _Then again, what does it matter to me now._

All these days have led me to believe one thing: I don't need an excuse if I do it all for myself. I am going to school for myself. I am eating all alone for myself. I helped Isshiki for myself. I will spend the weekend intent on graduating and finally maturing at a suitable university for myself.

But

...

I would be deceiving myself if I don't at one point ask myself...just how sure am I? I need to ask if this course of action is really what I think is genuine, or if it's just a fallacy of my mental compass. Am I truly moving on...or am I being just as evasive as I have always been?

Was I so scared of the truth, that I painted myself a shallow illusion that would protect me from change?

I won't let myself be consumed by self-awareness and logical obsession like I used to be. I've changed. _I'm different now._ There was something that I wanted. I finally figure, at the end of my calculations, since nothing adds up...what remains must be the truth. There is no way I am being honest...there is no way I am being genuine.


	5. Chapter 5 - Chrysanthemum

The rest of the way back to my place was uneventful. The weather was so mild that I probably could've fallen asleep while walking.

Too bad I hadn't had any coffee at the cafe; I had some vestiges of homework that still needed doing. It's part of my new order that I should procrastinate less. Someone told me long ago that I'll be happier if I don't leave it till the last minute. It only took me a few years to finally believe them...

It's Friday, the day before Saturday, which is the day of the prom.

My breakfast is part western. Komachi cooked some bacon she purchased the other day to celebrate her acceptance into Sobu High School. As proud of her as I am, I would've preferred for her to spend her money on something else. At least, something that goes better with the plain, store brand cereal I periodically shovel into my crookedly tired mouth.

The day is the warmest it's been all week, according to the morning news. Komachi flips the channel past some kid's show with puppets to a rerun of an old anime.

Outside, great clouds tiredly dust the sky.

The sky is barely blue since the sun is still raising itself into position.

Komachi puts down the remote at once when the bacon stops sizzling. She returns from the kitchen space to the table I'm sitting at with a tray of crispy bacon. Her smile is the happy, kiddish kind you would expect from her.

"Want some?" she asks me, while I scoop up another mouthful of boring-o's, or whatever this cereal is.

"Sure".

She feeds me half of her bacon, and I chase it down with the last few drops of milk I have in my glass.

"Make sure you're ready", I say, getting up from the table and turning off the TV.

I need to get going. That bacon set me back five minutes.

"I am! I just need to grab some things".

Ever since the weather got just a little bit better, Komachi has been walking to school herself. She says that she just needs more exercise, but I think it's more than implied that she's embarrassed to be seen with me. Sometimes, I can't tell if I have any family. All that I get from my parents are the few traces they leave from their morning rush out of the house.

On my way to school, I pass the chrysanthemum shelf.

They're not only growing well, but they seem to be improving with color too. It's been interesting getting to watch this family of wildlife grow.

I almost feel intimidated by them. Their resolve. Their constitution. Their quiet humility. I feel more inspired by them than all of the half-cocked speeches from school visitors I've received over the years. The chrysanthemums, even with their short life span, tell any onlookers alot about life.

They are beacons indeed.

I met Zaimokuza at the cross walk again. I kept thinking about the way things have been. Instead of listening to his rant about sub-space particle osmosis, I repeated the questions I had posed yesterday.

 _Am I being genuine?_

 _If I have grown up, what do I have to show for it?_

 _Am I moving on?_

These critical thoughts continue long after I wave away Zaimokuza. They linger, wracking my brain, as I sit in audience with the glade trees at lunch. They persist as I exit the classroom for the last time for this week. I am at the mercy of my memories.

It's as if I have one more puzzle piece to fit in, but I am left with hundreds of possible fits.

I walk to the stairway, keeping my eye on the shifting clouds the whole way there. There is a chill in this building that I know will probably follow me outside. Unfortunately, it is a familiar chill I thought I could ignore. It's almost as if the chill of winter had never stopped afflicting me. _Snow. I'm covered- no, blanketed in snow._ The spring seems like a distant dream. _Yuki...Yukino..._

Miss Hiratsuka seemed to watch me leave the classroom when class ended.

To her, it's been a whole week without my particular blend of sarcasm, basically.

To me, I am a maelstrom within a maelstrom.

She can probably sniff it out. This is why I left quickly today. I could see, out of the corner of my eye, her figure coming towards me. I left in an unassuming, nonchalant way that would be difficult to be seen as rude. I had shut the door behind me. I didn't need her telling me what she felt was wrong. She shouldn't trust me to come to her every time I feel stuck. After all, I've never directly come to her before.

I laugh silently. _Stuck is an understatement._

I warily exit the building. I am partway hunched, as always. My eyes dart from place to place, as if tracing an invisible anomaly while my mind is in motion. I reach the hallway and eventually, I reach the lobby area.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see something that unfroze me from the inside out. I see a person who is, without a doubt, the sole catalyst for any and all changes I've faced this past year. This person is responsible for the memories that keep my heart racing, my mind aflame, and my dreams impossibly cryptic.

She is more than beautiful.

* * *

I am watching from the partition corner.

Yukinoshita is talking to Yuigahama near the far corner of the room. They aren't close enough for me to eavesdrop. All I can make out are a few words and their body language.

Some groups of friends cross the room. _Get out! Get out of the way, I'm spying!_

When the clusters of people move, I can see Yukinoshita look up at Yuigahama with exhaustion. Yuigahama, as usual, is in her peppy state.

If I have to piece together whatever is going on here, I would have to deduce that Yukinoshita, stressed out with plans for the prom, is telling Yuigahama why she needs to do it alone. Yuigahama seems to take this in stride, if I am correct. Yuigahama is shaking her head. She puts an arm around Yukinoshita in a nonthreatening way.

Yukinoshita looks as uncomfortable as ever.

I almost hear my name pop up. I gasp, but it isn't because of that.

Yukinoshita swivels her head around in a passing glance, her sixth sense coming into play. I dodge her eyesight and retreat behind the partition entirely.

I feel the urge almost immediately to look around again. There's probably more information I can collect from this before they head to the club room. I am still mystified by whatever reasons bring them down here first. _Probably something to do with the prom._

"Hachiman!". I almost jump out of my coat. I feel two skinny hands on my back. Only two people I know at school call me Hachiman, and only one of them has hands this light.

"Totsuka?", I whisper, hoping my cover isn't blown.

"How are you? I haven't caught up with you for awhile", he said, with a massive smile that made my heart flutter.

"We haven't had the opportunity..." I say, almost embarrassed. I wonder if he'd seen me peeking at Yukinoshita and Yuigahama.

"You could've emailed me!" I felt my phone in my coat pocket. I remember the time at camp, when Totsuka and I exchanged contact information. However could I even come close to forgetting an event so blissful. "Sorry", I say bashfully.

"Don't worry". He laughed it off. "Are you ready for college yet? I just got my application in to Tokyo University".

This again...it would be embarrassing if I said I haven't even thought about it. "I was just on my way home to do that", I say with what I hope to be a convincing smile. Totsuka looks slightly awkward. I'm once again thankful that this is his only adverse reaction to me.

"You want to go there too?" Totsuka asks. His excitement is almost contagious. I almost want to carry him home, dress us up in pajamas, and spend all night talking about girls. Curse you, Saika Totsuka, I have no idea what to do with this left over energy. _Maybe I'll kiss him? I've never been slapped by a GUY before._

"Yeah..." I finally reply. And just like that, I've made up my mind on exactly where I want to go to college.

"Are you trying for a sports scholarship?" I ask, not wanting this to be a one-sided conversation.

"No, unfortunately I don't think I want to go for college for tennis".

"Oh..."

"I've been thinking about studies in humanities alot recently".

"Yeah..."

"Maybe you can do sciences? You aren't too bad with math! You've helped me in class a few times!" Totsuka suggests.

"Hmm, that's something". He does make a fair point. But overall, he's gone where I can't follow. I have very little idea of what to do.

"Well, I should be getting to Professional Traps club! I'm late already! Good luck with your spying, Hachiman!" shouts Totsuka as he jogs past me. Even his jogging is cute...wait, what club is he going to? Wait! Did he say good luck spying?!

I peek out again.

I expected the two girls to be gone...

I come face to face with Yukino Yukinoshita.

* * *

"Hello", Yukinoshita says. Her eyes are trying to bore into me, but I can tell that she's just as surprised as I am. The last time I saw those eyes was in the clubroom...I shrug that off. I have to think about what I say, even if it's just a simple greeting.

"Oh...hello", I say rather formally. I feel like getting down on my knees and facing the wall. Or better yet, running away. But I can't...

I want to say something. I want to assure her somehow. I want her to acknowledge me. I would only be lying to myself again if I said that I never played this scene in my mind since that day. But I know nothing I want to happen will happen.

Bygone is the most genuine of desires.

If I'm remembering correctly, our relationship is void.

We stare at each other for longer than I would like. I can feel her looking at me no matter which direction I look. Unlike that time in the infirmary, this silence is cold and distant.

I want to say something.

"If there nothing to say, I need to go", Yukinoshita says calmly. A part of me is still with her, I can feel it.

 _I want to say anything_

She waits just a bit longer. Her facial expression goes from respectful patience to near disgust. She walks away the other direction calmly. And I, the loner, am unable to move even an inch.

 _Please..._

She is out of sight. My heart slows down to a slow 90 beats per minute.

 _Don't go..._

I lost that flame to the current of time.

I walked out of the building quickly, so that not even a stranger can see my face, twisted in radical anguish.

I almost ran out of the gate. I barely watched for cars at the crossing. The night is over for me.

But out of the shadows, past even the darkest parts of my mind, came a distinct nagging. My stomach rumbles and I ignore it. I would starve myself if it would mean being able to going back in time to change everything, even the most minute interactions.

I composed the darkest, foggiest short stories all the way home. _Short stories..._ One in particular came to mind as I walk alone down the same avenue. My pace had slowed to give myself more time to satisfy my need for grim rhetoric.

A short story I had read not long ago pops up in my mind like a sudden revelation.

It was a western story by John Steinbeck. It brought back a well of information I thought I could just discard. Information that completely changes my perception, now that my relationship with Yukino Yukinoshita is irreparably broken.

 _"It was a time of quiet and of waiting. The farmers were mildly hopeful of a good rain before long; but fog and rain do not go together."_

The only line I could remember struck a chord with me now, walking so close to the nightly shadows. Am I just a farmer, all alone, quiet and waiting?

 _"-but fog and rain do not go together."_

I think about the weather, even though I understand what's being said in the context of the story is not actually a metaphor.

I passed the chrysanthemums.

 _How can they grow when I'm still covered in ice? How is that fair?_

I'm overcome with envy and insecurity.

My brain is dominated by the frustration that I can't come to terms with how I may or may not feel, and the frustration that given the chance, I probably still wouldn't speak up. I probably still wouldn't talk to Yukinoshita again, even if we were the last two people on Earth. Everything about doing that or not doing that scares me. I hate that.

I approach the chrysanthemums.

I feel like ripping them out of the garden they were innocently planted. I stop myself with just a deep breath.

I have a crazy thought: Maybe if I take one with me, I can grow too. I solemnly pilfer a single chrysanthemum. It has the dullest color of all of them, if the accelerating moonlight is indicating anything. I take it with some soil underneath so it will be easier to replant when I get home and will have a higher chance of surviving the trip. The flower stays intact the rest of the way back.

* * *

I slide the chrysanthemum into a makeshift pot. I sit it on the prominent sill of the dining room window, so that it will spend the night giving me company. The sun will come out tomorrow morning and I will give it a bit of water.

I stop thinking of how I will nourish the plant for a second and listen to my stomach rumble.

It's getting late, but it's not so late that getting some dinner now will have a bad effect on my sleep.

I think about going to the fridge to see what options are available. I hope that it won't be too hard to find something of Komachi's creation. I walk over and open the pearly gates, so far not good...there are alot of spoiled veggies.

"Onii-chan, what's this?" Komachi asks about the flower.

"It's a chrysanthemum", I answer.

Komachi rolls her eyes. "Well duh. I mean...", I look up to her from the fridge after finally finding some leftovers.

"I found it after school today", I say.

"I didn't know you were into interior design!" Komachi joked. Her light laugh lifted my spirits. I put the plate of food in the microwave for a minute.

"Well, it looks nice!" Komachi says, before giving me a wise, familiar look. That smile makes this life alone just a bit easier to swallow. "Thanks", I say. It doesn't look bad at all. I sit down at the table with my food to give it company.

"I'm going to do my homework. I'll let you know if I need any help!" Komachi says as she runs upstairs to her room.

 _Help? I'm not your tutor._

I take a bite off my plate. It's kind of soggy, but the table light isn't illuminating enough to make it look disgusting.

I keep eating until I feel full. After I clear most of my plate, I sit there and let it digest while I review the day.

I feel awful.

I stare at the chrysanthemum as if I had made a questionable investment. Everything I thought about these last few days adds up now.

I'm not at all being genuine, but who will be there if I ever do find what I need?

It's the unfinished request come back to haunt me.

I keep my focus attached to the flower, not wanting to get up from the chair, it's dull purples and whites blending. It shouldn't be blending. I feel suddenly dizzy.

I feel like getting up but I don't when I look down and see the floor swimming and twisting below me.

I smell the rising odors from dish, the taste of the microwaved mushrooms still fresh in my mouth. My heart rate is skyrocketing...I'm sweating all over. I can't focus on anything but the loose information my senses automatically detect. I'm scared. I don't know what's happening. I call for Komachi, a bit quietly at first.

My head is a mess.

I probably vomit somewhere.

I have to escape this chair...get to the bathroom or to my phone. I force myself off and land somewhere on the ground, my head still pounding- my heart still pounding- so hard that I can't tell the difference between the two.

I am yelling for Komachi now. She might be listening to music or something while doing her homework. I yell louder and louder, louder than I ever thought I could. I feel terrified. It's all happening so fast. I decide that I can't keep my eyes open anymore. In what could be ten seconds or none, I black out.

* * *

 **NOTE:** Thanks for reading this much, I appreciate any and all reviews and follows I can get. Since this is my first fanfiction, I welcome all criticism, even if it's just a suggestion. These first five chapters are meant to be like a prologue to the main plot, so I promise things will get more interesting. I like how this handful of short chapters have turned out. I wanted to let Hachiman interact with almost everyone (within reason), so as to get my footing. Again, more on the way! Thanks to all readers!

Update: Thick-ass paragraphs were spaced out for easier reading.


	6. Chapter 6 - The Next Day

A darkened room greets my weakened vision. Bits and trails of morning light that come through my curtains are disorienting and I look away. I feel grounded. I feel perfectly sheltered in my warm bed. That, at least, is normal. The way my lungs feel so suffocated reminds me of firework smoke during festivals getting too close for comfort. My head, as expected, is foggy, but...

I remember.

The miasma that flowed from the dish of leftovers I ate, and the smell of vomit on the floor. The floor- me meeting the floor with a crash that could've woken up the neighbors.

I remember yelling for help. Komachi! Did she come down after all? Is that why I'm in my bed without a shirt?

I find the shirt on the floor at the foot of my bed, covered in nothing. Surprising. My parents probably came home to find me in that state. They probably were strong enough to carry my up the stairs and into bed.

 _Did Komachi poison me?_

I venture a few guesses as to what happened. However possible, I don't think that Komachi poisoned me. In all likelihood, the leftovers I found were most probably laced with bad bacteria or mold or something.

I get out of bed slowly. The bed shakes along with me as I roleplay a septuagenarian.

The dim light that poured carefully into my bedroom is increased fifty fold when I open the curtains to their limits. I feel like the more of the day I see, the better I will feel. I soon find that I am probably wrong. The pounding in my skull is only made worse with the utilization of the curtains.

There's a crash on the floor...Komachi probably dropped her hair dryer while in use. I've told her that could be dangerous...or am I thinking of a hair curler? I decide to bide my time, knowing full well how long it takes for a female, especially one as young as my sister, to get ready for school. The makeup, the kits, the tools. It's everywhere sometimes. I don't know what she does with all of that, but it looks like a archaeological excavation in the bathroom every weekend.

I didn't think too much about it, but today it seems like she's taking longer than usual. It makes me so curious that I want to bust in on her. The only thing stopping me other the ire I would be forced to endure would be the fear of seeing something I don't want to.

Finally, the blowing, chipping, and music stops and I hear the door to the bathroom across from me open. I ambush Komachi.

"Morning", I say tiredly, wanting to yawn. My door half open, Komachi tries to take a peek at me. I don't really want her to see me so...vulnerable. The only excusable time I'd let her see me like this is if I were sick. But as it happens, I feel like death.

"Good morning", she says, trying to look at me. I can see her confused face in the well lit hallway, wondering why I am acting like the phantom of the opera.

"Did you find me last night..." I whisper awkwardly.

"Find you?" Her confused face lingers

"You know, after what happened, or did mom and dad find me?" I almost completely shut my door.

Komachi laughed maniacally.

"Find you? Were you playing hide and seek?" she was still laughing.

"Onii-chan is so good at hiding that nobody can ever find him!"

Very accurate. But I'm not a secret agent. This isn't my clandestine operations center. I think about my role as a spy or a detective. With Totsuka as my loyal secretary and Komachi as my Watson, nothing will stand in my way!

In all seriousness, it doesn't seem like Komachi knows anything about the incident. She may be playing dumb to protect my pride or to try to diminish my embarrassment. But if that isn't the case, then what happened?

I was curious. But the memories I was bombarded with regarding the previous days upon my arrival in reality are more significant.

"I wasn't playing hide and seek", I groan. If nothing happened after all, then why do I feel like I'm in such bad shape? Something completely out of left field came to me. The thought: I fell asleep at the table. My parents came home and carried me upstairs to bed. I had a rough night's sleep.

It's a reasonable assumption for what happened. I test it. "Did I fall asleep at the table last night?"

Komachi waits before answering. "You should come out of your room to talk to me like a normal person. You're creeping me out".

 _I didn't realize I was the monster in your closet all this time_.

"Okay" I acquiesce. I step out of my room like a bear crawls out of it's cave after hibernation.

"I actually don't know. I did my homework and then I went to bed".

"Thanks anyway..." I say, exiting the conversation without any answers. No solid answers. I will have to do some secret agent work after all...

Komachi passes me a look that says she understands and turns around to go down the hallway. Before she goes downstairs, she looks back at me with her eyes in a feisty mood.

"You should get ready!"

"For what?" I say, playing stupid. To be fair, as my dear sister, she should already know I'm not going.

"For the prom tonight!" she runs down the stairs with many light thuds before I can retaliate with something witty.

 _Talking to her is always fun..._

I yawn. I can't believe she doesn't know anything about last night, beyond what I remember. It seems strange. This all feels strange. In some dimension, the green sock people of planet Meth are laughing at me.

I suppose I should be lucky. I felt like I was dying last night, but here I am in my house alive and well. And by that I mean I am only physically well. Mentally...I am still in turmoil. With any luck, the next time I pass out will clear out every memory I have.

 _Every memory we had._

The emptiness forces me back into my place in the darkness.

With Komachi gone, I re-enter the bedroom. The light from the window is more than enough to allow full sight of the room. It's a basic room, with the bed and the desk and a closet for all of my clothes. There's an acoustic guitar that I never play somewhere around here. The room is devoid of posters of pop idols and famous bands. I'm not a musical guy. I like it, but I'm not obsessed with it. The desk is littered with school books and homework, but it still pales in comparison to the mess that is Komachi's desk.

On the floor, there is that shirt. I remember sweating heavily as I collapsed to the floor. The thought brings back swift nausea as I recall what I'm almost one hundred percent sure happened. But...

I pick up the shirt. There isn't a single drop of sweat. It's still dry. But how was it taken off?

I must've had a really bad night.

The sheets are all but torn out off of the bed. I am overwhelmed.

I reflect on the emptiness, the confusion. This situation makes me anxious to another definition. I reach for my phone.

Wait...my phone is downstairs...right?

 _That's where I left it. A sudden telekinetic surge?_

It's here. It's peacefully resting- snug on the charger.

The time is 9:00.

* * *

I looked downstairs for any traces of my illness.

I found nothing. There was no vomit. There wasn't even a dish in the sink that would be a direct clue to the memory I thought happened. The flower, however, is still present and accounted for. I gave it a few teaspoons of water just a moment ago.

It sort of leaves it to me to try and tack down where reality cut off and and my dream began. Clearly, I was mistaken about the ailment.

Today is Saturday. Eventually today, I will hear about the prom. I will be hounded like a game fox and interrogated by Isshiki on why I never came. I don't like the idea of having to explain that my presence is not owed to her.

Eventually today, I will be expected to complete Yukinoshita's request. But now that the time to satisfy Yuigahama's wish has come, my thoughts really feel incomplete.

Awhile back, I swore off dating because I felt like there was no point. It seemed to me like everyone else had all of the problems.

But now...

 _But now..._

 _If I could, I would make an exception for one person._

I will wait to complete Yukinoshita's request. Because as it stands, I don't think I can approach Yuigahama with something like this. Even though I have little fear of rejection from her, I can't help but feel like I wouldn't be satisfied with Yukinoshita's gratitude.

At least, not any more, now that I've missed my chance.

And now that I've made up my mind on that matter, the rest of my day seems plain.

Almost as if fate is listening in on my thoughts, the phone in my hands flashes a familiar contact screen.

The phone buzzes with attitude. The screen threatens to shake out of my hands. The bright yellow and white of the screen is blinding compared to the dull colors of the subpar article on sea urchins I was reading.

 _Disengage! I repeat disengage!_

More seriously, I feel annoyed that the call is interrupting the one thing that's keeping me together at the moment.

I let the buzzing quiet and the contact call screen fade out. I go back to my article and have it finished in five minutes. Fascinating stuff.

After another half hour of mindless screen swiping, something else comes up, as if trying to force my hand.

The doorbell chimes once.

"Will you go ahead and get that?" Komachi requests, after a pause.

The doorbell chimes again. I really don't want to answer the door if it's who I think it is.

 _That better not be Yuigahama._

"Please onii-chan", Komachi yells up at the heavens, hoping that I can hear her. I'm pretty sure that she wants me to answer this because, despite her being directly adjacent to the door, there is a guest that she wants me to greet. I grit my teeth and put my phone down. I hope for the best. _Best being Totsuka, worst being Yuigahama._

I descend the stairs and get to the peephole. I see Komachi peeking at me beyond the sofa. _What is this..._

It's just one thing after the other.

Outside, on my porch is...mom? She's carrying a bag of food for Kamakura and still wearing her corporate monkey slave getup.

I look at Komachi once, with vengeance.

"Hey, I was hoping it would be Yukinon!" she says, her arms raised. She goes back to her manga. I open the door, not wanting to keep mom waiting.

"Hello", I bow a little. She doesn't reciprocate it. Instead, she walks past me with the bag of cat food and something else that I can't see. She goes straight into the kitchen after dropping her things on the nearest counter top. I watch mom rummage through the fridge. Wait!

"I would stay away from the teriyaki mix", I preemptively warn.

"What?" she says, her head still stuck in the fridge. Then, eventually, the pantry is hit too. She carnally tugs something out of each to assemble what appears to be a...

 _What the hell is that? A chip sandwich?_

She's showing all the tell tale signs of an overworked mother. I can't complain. I get clothes and food in exchange for all the double shifts my parents pull. Komachi and I are sometimes called in the middle of the day to make sure that when we come of age, we too will pull our share of responsibilities.

I shudder, just the thought of their foreshadowing calls makes me feel smaller.

She comes towards me after discarding the sandwich.

"Hachiman, I got the food for Kamakura and a suit for your prom, b-" I cut her off.

"A suit for what?" I say, bewildered.

"Your prom! Komachi told me yesterday". Of course. I really don't want to go, but now this extra pressure will make it harder to buckle down. However, if I ever need a reminder of why I won't go, I can just think about yesterday: the run in with Yukinoshita and the compromise in the club room. _Old news._

"But as I was saying, I didn't have the time to get detergent. Please, go get that while I'm at work".

She slips me her card and a small smile. "Thank you".

She steps out the door, then turns around. "Bye, Komachi!"

"Bye mom! Have a good day!"

"Oh, and Hachiman, that suit is a rental", she winks. Mom leaves just as quickly as she came. A midday weekend visit from a parent. A rare sight.

* * *

I take my bike to the mall, supervised by the forgiving sun.

Some jerk with a major sight disorder almost hits me as I cross the road. I know I'm hard to look at, but damn.

The mall is in its constant state of disarray, and I find myself once again resisting the current of the busy Saturday crowd. The young mom, shoveling her squalling brood along in and out of chain department stores. The austere business man at the tech store, inspecting the latest model of laptop. The teen couple, enjoying every second in the length of their rose-colored voyage.

Everywhere I look, there is something new to see. For a second, I thought I see Yukinoshita at a Pan-San merch stand in the center of the aisle. I was prepared to turn around and leave right then. I had to take a closer look in order to realize it wasn't her. _Wrong mall._

I pass the outlet internet provider store and stop in front of the home surplus store. Little do I suspect that buying detergent will be the easiest thing I do today.

There isn't a real store for just detergent. If there is, then it would be between the premium stamp store and the five dollar paperweight store. And across from those, one will find a store called "Help! My wife left me and I'm completely bankrupt."

I go inside the marketplace which resides at the crux of the mall. It's just as busy as the elongated shopping antechambers outside its borders. There is no direction available to get to the laundry supplies, so I am regrettably forced to ask an employee. The aloof college student in the cheap red polo points me to the correct section. I find the shelves decorated in detergent options- I am met with the dilemma of choosing which one. Whenever I do my laundry, I use the fifty ounce Tide. But to my surprise, I discover the store doesn't carry it.

I shrug it off. It's laundry detergent, after all. I just choose another fifty ounce with colors so lively, I feel blind all the way up to the cashier. I walk away with the detergent and a small headache. Why do they make boring things so damn colorful?

If this is what it's like to be an adult, then maybe I'm better off drinking the stupid stuff in my bag rather than using it.

 _Maybe it'll wash away all the rotten in me._

The people get less interesting in the food court.

There are professional musicians to my right, enjoying their ramen, but other than them there's nobody of note. I accept my tray of food from the vendor. The crowd of basic people make it hard to find a clean seat or a table without any grease puddles.

It's lucky that I don't find a suitable place to sit for lunch that can accommodate both myself and the detergent, because I find something else during my search. More like someone...

She's looking around like she'd seem me here before.

I duck behind a booth to get a covert look at the girl who looks like she's demon hunting. Isshiki Iroha.

She's probably here to buy stuff for prom. I can see a bag that looks just like mine. It even looks to be about the same size.

Wait!

 _Is that why there's no Tide? Did you steal my preferred detergent?_

Thanks to Isshiki, I realize just how passionate I am about my laundry needs.

She's still looking with one hand above her eyes, as if she's pretending to have a visor that will betray my position.

I know she's looking for me. She wouldn't appear this intense if she weren't. I wish Komachi had come. I would've used her as a distraction.

 _Or bait..._

The trick is to dodge without being seen. I have at least two-hundred meters till I can get to the door. But with a crowd this many, I assess that this risk has a good probability of success. I ignore my intuitions as I activate one of my many secret weapons...stealth Hikki.

Fast food and shopping in one of each hand, I begin my plan. I see Isshiki coming closer.

Its now or never!

I jump out of my hiding spot and go for the doors closest to me. I feel Isshiki's foxy gaze sweep the area. I try to put bundles of traffic between her and I without slowing down. It's going well!

Even though I never run, I scurry my way across the food court quickly, probably on account of all the energy I have in reserve. I thank myself for never exercising as the image of a confused fox gets harder and harder to see.

She doesn't seem to have seen me. I'd stop to sigh, but I don't want to take any chances.

I keep my legs pumping faster and faster. The swarms of people barely part way.

I break through them with some effort, until I realize I don't know why I'm making such an effort to avoid Isshiki. It's clear that I don't want to go to prom. I actually don't even want to think about it.

...

But, I feel like shutting Isshiki out too. I am running away from this with the same feral ignorance that I run from everything else. It's another illusion that only encourages this cycle. The cycle that I would break if I had more time.

The crowds are thinning and I begin to slow down.

With the doors so close...

I don't even realize what's happening when my head smashes into something I never expected.

 _Or someone?_

I am sprawled out on the mall floor.

Quickly, I check for blood or bruises. I'm unscathed, but maybe not for much longer. With a small kink in my neck, I look up to find a surprising face looking down at me. Attached to the person is an almost perfect smaller clone of my roadblock.

I look up some more. I catch something else with blurry eyes.

 _Black lace..._

* * *

 **Note:** So far, so good for my first fanfiction. I would love to keep getting feedback or discussion about what's going on here. I'll be working hard on the next chapter, where we begin by meeting someone new to this story. I again, I appreciate all readers!

Also, shout out to Anon for pointing out my goof on Hiratsuka's name.


	7. Chapter 7 - Hibernating

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them".

This quote was said by an old guy who never had to live with the disastrous aftermath of smashing into a female classmate. Whoever can say something like that doesn't know how it feels to collide with one hormonally afflicted girl after another in one day. Incidentally, one of those collisions was literally a catastrophic collision. It's enough to make a man believe that all the greatness goes somewhere else.

Not that I mind. I've said it before, but recently, and only after Yukinoshita changed my perception of myself. I've said that I am indeed nobody special. I'm rotten...

Lazy...

Broken...

A coward.

But I don't deserve this.

The girl with the misty blue hair hauled me up so roughly that I left my lunch on the floor of the mall. Not like I would've been able to eat it anyways.

Not after last night's dream...

She pins her fist against the hem of my grey jacket and yanks me hard out the door, Keika looking a mix between shocked and proud. Poor kid shouldn't have to see this.

I don't fight back. Not because I'm a nice guy, because again, I'm not. It's because I feel too tired after running away from Isshiki.

I feel like a toddler when I think that. After all, to any bystander watching it probably looked like I'd seen a ghost- an unholy apparition. _My kouhai..._

Of course, I know why I ran.

I wonder if Saki Kawasaki would believe me if I tell her, honestly, why I plowed into her like a runaway bulldozer. It would be a long shot.

I decide not to.

That was a mighty collision. Luckily, my lack of weight and mass allowed me to sweep to the floor in a completely defensive tactical move. Kawasaki was only spared because she had the responsibility of protecting her younger sister. Yes! That's exactly how it happened!

And now, I'm in the afternoon sun getting hoisted all the way to my execution for reasons only partly known to me. Black lace needs to chill out...

At least she's letting me keep a grip on the detergent. But oh, the humiliation.

 _I definitely don't deserve this._

At last, Kawasaki lets go of me. I correct myself; unwrinkle my shirt and loosen up my jacket. My posture, from lack of routine maintenance, is beyond repair.

"Explain yourself!" demands black lace.

"I was just shopping." I say

"If you were shopping, then why the hell would you crash into me like that?"

"Well..."

"Yeah?"

"I um..."

"Just say it!"

Keika is looking back and forth between us like she's watching two bickering parents. I wish she could understand how out of control with irritation and presumption 'mom' is. That hair of misty blue would suggest someone with a calmer demeanor...

I could laugh.

"I just have somewhere to be..." I murmur on purpose so that it would be inferred that I am, in fact, telling the truth.

Kawasaki looks thoughtful. She probably is busy too, like always.

If we ever meet on good terms we would probably talk about school or her siblings. I don't like all this direct attention.

"I don't buy it", she says simply, like that previous pause was out of pity.

 _Can she detect lies? I want her on my detective team!_

 _"_ You're a bad liar", she adds and then smiles for a second, smugly. _Oh...right..._

"Well whatever, I have somewhere to be". I can infer that Kawasaki is not only babysitting today, but shopping for a prom dress. Draped over her forearm like a prize deer pelt, is a dress that cleverly matches her modern, conservative fashion.

It's no surprise to me that in her bag there are also some instruments made to cater to the novice fashion designer. Kawasaki probably plans to improve the dress somehow. If I wanted to go to prom tonight, I would be a bit interested to see what alterations she's made.

She notices me peeking at her effects and looks back up at me from asking Keika something. Keika is nodding. Her flustered look makes her look like a maiden in love. Maybe she's a gold digger after my detergent. I hold my detergent super close to me...I worked way too hard to lose it now. Kawasaki shifts her weight ever so slightly, as if preparing to accost me against her will.

"Keika wants to know...", Kawasaki looks drifted...

I'm perplexed. I don't even know Keika very well. I guess what Kawasaki says next kind of spells doom for me.

"...if you could babysit her tonight, while I'm at prom". She ends her line with as much dignity as she can reclaim after asking me, Hachiman Hikigaya, to watch over her precious sibling.

I can't breath. I feel like laughing. _What are you thinking?_

Even before this week, I was in no state to nurture a child. Somehow, I draw breath and proceed to find something to say.

"Can't Taishi do it?" I groan.

"He has plans tonight." She says as firmly as always. She's probably prepared for every excuse.

"Don't you have another friend to help you out?" For some reason this hits her like a curveball. She even appears to stagger back. Kawasaki flashes me that dangerous predator look that is in stark contrast to the maiden in love look that just disappeared.

"Of-of course I do! You were just here...and all...", she says. I kind of want to stop questioning her. I don't really want to babysit, but I could use the money.

 _I could use a distraction..._

And...maybe this could count as house husband training. Wait a minute!

"How do you know I'm not going to prom tonight?"

She laughs lightly.

"Because, you're you..." says Kawasaki, not intending to be rude. But that comment...makes me feel ugly. I can almost feel that same remorse- that hatred again. I'm suddenly flooded with so much of that same anxiety and memories from the week that I feel like I'm below the surface, gasping for oxygen.

I never reply to that last thing. Instead, I give her my answer to her question.

"I'll watch her", I respond in a nearly whole-hearted answer, finally feeling a bit of that surface air hitting my lungs. I'll be busy tonight.

Kawasaki looks at me as if I just told her there's no such thing as life. She feels her temples with her pointer fingers on both hands. There's a bite in the wind that makes me zip my jacket up. After she mulls it over, she walks a little ways away into the shade to take out her phone.

 _Am I supposed to follow?_

Like an obedient serf, I follow her over. She never gives me so much as a small signal- a notion that she wants me to follow her.

I've come so far as a human just to let myself down now. I may as well bow to her when she approaches me at school and shave my head to symbolize my moral chastity. She is tapping her screen firmly.

 _Is there anything that black lace doesn't do firmly?_

Yikes, I cease that thought before I go where many fallen brothers have gone and never returned from. Maybe I really should shave my head, or suffer the fate of becoming a rotten air-leech like Zaimokuza.

I get a message on my phone. _What the heck?_

How in the name of privacy did black lace get my number?

And what's this?

 _Oh God...I know who did this. I know who's responsible for this._

The person who messaged me is named "Sake Saki Sama". It's complete with a few bright red hearts on the side. It's egregious.

I remember when the Service Club investigated Kawasaki's situation awhile ago, the memory of Yukinoshita in a dress sparking some hot truth in the pit of disparagement that is my mind.

"I sent you the address. You need to be there by six, no later than 6:05". Typical. Smart of her to, like everyone else, expect me to be late.

Yuigahama must've added her number to my list of contacts to aid us with our situation. After tonight, I'll delete Kawasaki's contact just like I did with Yukinoshita's. Now that it's crossed my mind, I may as well delete everyone's contact who isn't my parents or Komachi...or Totsuka. I'll never delete Totsuka's email, not even if I get held at gunpoint. Kawasaki comes by, still shaded and looking more and more bored. She clearly has things to do before tonight.

"Did you hear me?" she looks at me expecting me to hear a retort.

"Oh...yeah..." She's getting way too close. It'll botch this whole thing if she sees what she's filed under. Before she can get closer I flip my phone off and shovel it so far into my pocket, I can feel the heat of the tired battery against my thigh.

"Well don't be late. I'm counting on _you._ " Kawasaki says this like I'm no older than Keika, who by now has gotten bored and is playing around the advertisement bill board. All around us, the buzz of the Saturday mall noise is quieting down, under a sleepy afternoon sky.

Ahhh...if only I had romantic feelings for black lace...this would definitely be a moment to take note of.

I wouldn't actually take note of it. Seeing that much failure on a piece of paper would depress me even more.

"I won't..." I say. "I'll be there. But um..."

"What?"

"Like, what does Keika eat? What is her bed time? Does she need any Ritalin?" I say, giving away to Kawasaki that I am a complete idiot when it comes to babysitting. Keika even looks up at me with worry after hearing her name.

"You haven't babysat before, have you?" Kawasaki remarks. She seems almost perplexed as I was at the notion of her request for me to babysit. The manila folder in my brain for babysitting is empty and was very useless...until now. The only thing I have to draw from is the experience I have from the camp in Chiba and the irregular visits to my grandparents. My grandparents are good folks. Great people, all in all, but need heavy sedation sometimes.

 _So much Ritalin..._

 _So many high fiber meals..._

 _So many late night dramas..._

"I can make do. I can call you if I need anything, right?" Because apparently I have your phone number...for some reason.

The sun has turned to our backs by now. It's almost time for me to be making my way to Kawasaki's place. I almost suggest that I come with them, but I quickly dispatch that idea. It's bad enough that I'll probably ruin Keika's future by showing her the glory of my failure- the echoes of my flaws. She'll be my miserable successor. I mean, why be a stay at home dad when I can get money as a stay at home nanny.

Thinking things like that sometimes scares me.

"You may. But if you call me about anything else, I swear you'll never hear the end of it". At last, she turns and leaves me be with Keika helping lead the way out of the entrance area and into the parking zone. Some transit buses and municipal taxis circulate around. Eventually, Kawasaki and Little Kawasaki depart on one of the bright orange taxis and leave me here with almost less than an hour until I need to be at the Kawasaki residence.

Now what? Twiddle my thumbs? Go to the arcade? See a crummy movie by myself? Great...now I'm describing most of my weekends. I imagine the adonis Hayama Hayato doing laps around the airport or practicing MMA movies against the world's greatest champions. That's what's expected of him, right?

I have alot to compete with.

I think about Hayama and Yukinoshita, and their invisible ancient history. Artifacts of love? Maybe, but it makes me feel sick.

All at once, I get flashbacks of that horrible dream and the sinister heartache of the two people rekindling what perhaps once was. I feel sick.

The trash bin is only a few meters away. I go and check it out, just to make sure I won't lose any of yesterday's meals.

I step away from the trash can.

Funny how even though I'd eaten nothing all day, I still feel full. Funny and cruel. I could starve. What I would give for a nice tray of yakitori and a lukewarm MAX Coffee. What is a tray of fast food, probably still on the mall floor, compared to that?

Assured that I am not going to be as sick as I was in the dream, I make for my bike. The detergent is a bit heavy. As I pedal, I find myself compensating for one side of the bike.

I see the man who almost hit me when I first got here, before lunch. Nobody sees the impulsive side of me. Truth is, I let loose a little when I'm out on my own.

For example, I once took out a person's window with a stone after they told me that I wasn't allowed to see their daughter. Am I a felon? Maybe. But honestly, I was super young and that person's daughter definitely didn't want to see me anyway. Once I was caught, I spent the summer landscaping his ten acre property. As hellish as it was, I learned my lesson, but the impulsiveness only turned casual instead of stopping completely. Loners like me have to act out somehow.

Quickly, as I pass the man in the SUV on my bike, I offer a swift gesture. It's the ultimate vulgarity. It meets his eyes...

He looks pissed!

 _How can he look pissed?_

So he couldn't see me before, but he can see me now? Adults are sometimes like that, I lament.

Fortunately, my trip home was less interesting. Komachi had gone off somewhere, but left the TV running. Her supplies had covered every inch of the bathroom, which made showering almost similar to walking through a landmine. One wrong step, and my foot would've landed in some sort of face powder. Has Komachi been training to be an actress or something?

I need to have a talk with her soon about the dangers of vanity and why I choose to stand as far apart from the garish plebeians as I can. I'll tell her that Yukinoshita doesn't need this much to be the beautiful woman she is.

Before I let my heart run away with my emotions, I stock the detergent at last.

The day feels young, and yet I feel as though I've accomplished so little. I'm sure mom and dad would agree with me. I ignore the rental suit on the couch and take a seat next to it.

Only a few more minutes until I need to leave.

I can't tell if I need to feel anxious or nervous. Or even excited. Maybe it's a combination; an enigma of countless emotional routes.

Hey, it's something I'm used to.

And moreover, it's the truth. It's not fabricated. I'm feeling anxious and excited.

The truth. Simple and pure.

Something I am not used to.

* * *

I feel all the wiser after spending the rest of my time at the house looking up toddler care strategies. My bike and my back is weighed down with infant items from my youth, all meant to cater to Keika. I want to do well, to my surprise. I don't really see it as 'working' if my superior is less than a meter tall.

However, since Kawasaki and I never talked about my rate, I want to ensure my getting paid as much as possible. I think about calling her about it while I'm on my way.

My bike escalates up hills with fine precision. I feel like a silver bullet as I roll down scores of provincial hills and residential declines. The wind flips the hair off my forehead.

It's kind of a rush. This could be my new hobby. Sitting, sleeping, and video games are getting kind of old.

I wonder how competitive hill traversing is? Would I suck at this too?

 _Probably, nobody else would have to carry mom surplus on their backs while they ride._

The cross walk is vacant in the afternoon light. I can hear and see the prom guests and attendees gathering within the limits of the school. It seems just like the senseless calamity I had expected. Voices rose above the walls of the perimeter of Sobu High School. I can hear laughter...the joy of youthful follies in motion. I can hear the love between young couples. _How many more will show up?_ The crosswalk turns green. The bike is off again and I escape the snare made for weak-minded adolescents.

I pedal faster than I intend to, skipping the next two traffic lights without even meaning to.

I should be on time at any pace. 6:00 exactly.

The school seemed well decorated. Even from a distance, it looked extremely well prepared for this night. It's all Yukinoshita's doing. Isshiki helped, I have no doubt, but Yukinoshita masterminded the whole thing from the beginning.

It seems pointless to dwell on...but this is how she was able to make the request. This is all her fault. It looks so good, with the banners flowing along the parapets, ornate posters decorating the balconies, and opulent balloon displays making columns all the way up to the front doors, all with a matching color scheme. What was it? Blue and black?

 _Good colors. I would choose those colors. It's not even a dumb blue, it was a real deep sapphire. Darker than lapus._

Kawasaki's residence. I focus on the activity at hand, dodging potholes in the streets of an older part of town.

It should be around here. It's not likely to be decorated in black lace or anything.

My search is made more difficult by the fact that this is a suburban installation. Every house within four blocks is an unassuming, two story modular flat. They even make my house look like it has character. I look for the number.

213...

214...

5812? Oh wait, that's something else.

216...

Aha! I find it. 217. I can't remember being this excited about going to a girl's house. My thoughts are filled with Keika Kawasaki rather than her sister, as it happens. The police would come after me if they heard that last part. I instantly look around, just out of precaution. Obviously, nobody can hear my thoughts. If someone could hear my thoughts- every angsty statement- they would probably need to see a therapist afterwards.

Even so, I know for a fact that I can only go so fast on a bike. I've only ever tried to outrun Komachi.

Shoot...they don't even have a lawn where I can park my bike.

A bush? A thicket? I think about what would hide my precious transport better. How am I supposed to carry aliens around if someone steals this thing?

I go with a tree with a thick hull in the middle of Kawasaki's "lawn". It has some foliage around it too for added insurance. Here, my bike will be safe, even in a "lawn" as small as this. To be more precise, it's half lawn half sidewalk. Not everyone can afford a modern manor like me...I wonder if Kawasaki even cares.

No, of course not. Her parents are fine with spending all of their money on more children and black lace.

I don't want to go in there if everything is upholstered in black lace. I would literally have to sit in a black lace couch, recline in a black lace recliner, or even...no, I don't want to go there. It won't be that bad. It's just a normal family...versus me. The punishments and rewards for this endeavor seem way too unbalanced. For example: if i do well, I may or may not get paid. But if I do poorly, I will have to submit to a hoard of Kawasakis.

Nobody expects the Kawasaki inquisition.

The door opens unexpectedly. It's a trap! I want to run an hide behind the tree.

"Oh...Hikigaya...you're early." I should be offended. I grab the bag off my weakened dorsal side.

"Don't look so surprised". I notice Kawasaki is not yet in her dress. She probably plans to don it at school so she doesn't have to wear it all the way there.

"I am. It's just...when I first met you as a first year, I never expected you to be willing to do something like this".

 _What? Working? You mean working, don't you? Just say it!_

"It's not a big deal", I say.

"You can come in, just leave your shoes here", orders Kawasaki in a slightly unsure way. She points to a large pile of shoes of all sizes and styles. It's the Mount Fuji of shoes.

I'm crossing the great river- the Rubicon! Call me Julius Caesar! I step into the house and I'm instantly shocked. Kawasaki's parents are chasing young children who both look younger than black lace junior. The TV is turned up to a deafening level. There is something beeping in the kitchen I can't see yet. I feel immensely claustrophobic. This isn't the Rubicon! It's the Saleph river. Call me Fredrick I...

I'm past the point of no return. Kawasaki leads me through the mess of toys and trinkets like a cow to slaughter.

"My parents are taking the youngest two to some family north of here", Kawasaki says as she turns back to me. I feel relieved. I imagine the horrors that would come from watching the three youngest at once. They would try and play with me and my throes. Not much fun that would be.

"So um...what exactly are you think of paying me?" I finally ask. I should get a bonus for waiting this long. '

She wasn't much of a talker to begin with but...

Now she isn't saying anything at all. She locked me out! Now she and I are the only quiet things in this house.

The kitchen beeping stops. I see Kawasaki's mom reach into the oven and pull out a tray of gyoza. All in all, it smells good. I wouldn't mind taking some if it turns out that I'm not getting paid. The kids smell it too and go for it like a myriad of screaming piranhas. I see Keika take one too, although for her age she seems more mature than other kids I've seen.

"Help yourself". Kawasaki sees me looking at the scene.

"I'm not hungry". I reject, feeling I would be crossing a certain boundary too soon. It seems like a friendly offer.

It's a lie, and its a bit late. I feel like I'm starving at last.

Kawasaki's mom sees me. She has a similar face and a remarkable resemblance to her eldest daughter. If I were into older women, she would be a ten out of ten. She and miss Hiratsuka might have to fight each other for my affection. The only difference between the duo is that Kawasaki's mom has shorter hair.

Her eyes shimmer with motherly confidence and strength. I wonder if Saki Kawasaki will have those same eyes. I imagine having the same impression of Yuigahama if she were to have kids someday.

"You must be Hachiman. Welcome to our house!" she says with words like cherry blossoms. I'm made more comfortable when Kawasaki's dad rounds up the two youngest for their expedition. The noise in the house goes away as soon as the door closes behind them.

I ignore the urge to sigh with relief, out of fear I would offend Kawasaki or her mom.

"Thank you, ma'am", I say respectfully. I bow. "I will do my best".

She returns the bow. After she takes off the apron she had on, she begins to follow her husband out doors.

"Keika is a good little lady, she won't be too much trouble for someone as experienced as you!", Mrs. Kawasaki says while she gathers her travel gear.

I feel a lump in my throat. I look at Kawasaki with a question on my face.

 _What the hell did she just say? I'm experienced? What did you tell her?_

Kawasaki looks at me bashfully. Even if Mrs. Kawasaki is told that I'm the best babysitter in Japan, she shouldn't let me in her house after seeing my dead fish eyes.

"Saki, do you have everything you need for prom?"

Kawasaki, picking up a piece of gyoza, sighs as if she was just asked to pick her shoes off of the floor.

"Yes mom".

"Are you sure? Do you want a snack?" asks Mrs. Kawasaki, who is probably trying her best to embarrass her daughter like most parents do. Or, it could be that Mrs. Kawasaki's child management instincts are on 24/7.

"No mom!" answers Kawasaki. Why does this all seem familiar?

"Okay! If you say so!" Mrs. Kawasaki says, now near the door. "Have fun tonight hun!". We hear the door close at last, leaving Keika, Kawasaki, and I. I almost feel relieved on Kawasaki's behalf.

Kawasaki finishes off her piece of gyoza before wrapping up her bundle of dress. She looks excited and nervous. Two awfully dangerous feelings. The source is me.

The TV is turned off after Kawasaki gives me a quick remote rundown. They have almost as many remotes as they do children.

"If I hear that you have done anything stupid, I will be very unhappy. And remember to call me if anything serious happens, which better not happen."

"I will." I try and sound optimistic. Honestly, sounding optimistic is an almost impossible feat for me. Kawasaki looks distinguishably worried.

I am finally shown to the bathroom.

Kawasaki then abandons me with Keika soon after.

A night with Keika Kawasaki begins...

 _Still better than going to prom._

* * *

I take out the contents of my tote bag while Keika watches. There are pacifiers, old diapers, a kid's movie, a heap of kid's books, a coloring book, markers and crayons, another heap of toys...there is even some of my old kid stuff here. I would've brought the easy bake, but it wouldn't fit in the bag. I thought about putting in the play doctor kit Komachi never opened, but it was either that or the first aid kit. On the bottom of the bag were some medical resource books and a self-help book called " _When Brother Never Smiles- a guide to helping an challenged sibling"_ that Komachi probably bought for me along time ago.

The sad, distraught looking boy on the cover even looks like me.

 _Wait! Was I a cover model as a kid? Was I really the most miserable looking child in Japan?_

I laugh in irony. Now I'm just miserable.

I gesture to the items I'd set from my bag onto the dining room table. "Which one looks good to you" I say calmly to Keika.

She looks each thing over carefully. It's fascinating watching her almost process the risks and rewards that each kid-friendly parcel will bring.

"Go ahead and point to what you want to".

 _Please don't pick the diapers..._

 _Please don't pick the diapers..._

She's smiling, pleased with being given the authority to choose the activity.

Her hand overs over the coloring book, with a brightly colored unicorn on the cover.

She doesn't choose anything on the table. To my surprise, a little finger is pointed at me.

"Ha-chan", she says.

I infer that she means that she wants to play with me. Even spelled out, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I suppose...maybe...I can do what I'm best at. I am a monster of logic, after all. Surely I can be just a monster. Maybe I can play scary.

I stand up with a jolt. Keika looks surprised, but she seems to expect what I'm about to do. She smiles.

"Grrrrrr..." I say with my hands outstretched, trying to give the image of a hellish being. Keika stands up too, giggling a little.

"Grrrrr!" I say with more life. I move an inch closer.

I would be more embarrassed if Keika was anyone I know.

She giggles some more before running as fast as her short legs will let her. She takes off out of the kitchen and into another room, her hair making an almost iridescent trail of silver.

I pursue her all over the house; up the stairs, down the stairs, and up the stairs again. This goes on for about half an hour.

She seems to crash and we watch the movie I brought. It has a weak plot and distracting contrivances, but it takes my mind off of things. Keika has me pause it so she can color. Instead of using the coloring book, she uses blank stock. On several sheets she depicts her family in that typical kid way. On the last page, she draws herself and...is that really?

 _Me..._

It's a faithful drawing. My eyes are extra narrow. The tree the two of us are standing by in the picture is recognizable as the tree outside. But most of all...I'm smiling. I'm happy. It makes me smile too. Because in this picture...

I'm worry free.

I'm content.

I have no anxieties or regrets.

In the hands of a child, the crayons can depict my ideal life. For the second time this week, I feel like crying. I don't.

Instead, I tell Keika how great it looks. She looks at me with the same admiration a son would look at his father or a husband would look at his wife.

She points to me. "Ha-chan can take home".

I accept silently. Then we return to the movie, crayons and paper covering the floor where she had made her workshop. I help her up on the couch and one of her scrunchies falls off. Unfortunately, she falls asleep and I'm not blocked from looking for it.

 _I'll find it when she wakes up..._

* * *

I wake up to find Kawasaki shaking my shoulder lightly. Keika is half on and half off the couch, resting just as peacefully as I was just a second ago.

Kawasaki looks at us tiredly, her eyes dim and her face sunk, but she's smiling. A rare phenomenon.

"I see you did just fine." Kawasaki remarks. I immediately start to clean up.

"It's fine", Kawasaki laughs, "I can take care of it tomorrow". She taps on Keika's forehead. Keika looks confused. "Sa-chan!" says Keika. Kawasaki picks Keika up to embrace her for a moment.

I take this opportunity to get up and gather up the clutter still on the dining room table. I don't like the idea of going back to my house in the dark with this thing on my back again. Nevertheless, I pack everything up quietly.

"How was the dance?" asks Keika, still being held.

"It was fine. How was your night?"

"It was fun!", Keika says, taking advantage of a moment of energy. She yawns right afterwards. "Are you going to stay, Ha-chan?"

"Ha-chan has to go home now."

"Oh...can I see him again?"

Kawasaki looks at me before answering her sister.

"I really don't mind" I shrug after heaving the tote bag off of the table.

"He can come and visit again, Keika."

"Good!" Keika yawns again.

Kawasaki takes Keika up to her bedroom. I hear them say a brief goodnight. For the sake of continuing that example of brevity, I decide to leave. I have everything. I yawn as well.

Before I open up the door, I hear Kawasaki clear her throat. She's standing in a new change of clothes. Pajamas with white cats scattered in a strange pattern.

"Um...I just...I just want to say thanks". She blushes in the silent corridor.

"It's no problem..." I say, not one to take credit I know I don't deserve.

 _Some yen would be nice..._

"No, seriously, you really surprised me. Keika really likes you. You're a life saver". Now it's me who's blushing. I hope it's too dark for her to see.

"Thanks..."

"I see you're tired. You are dismissed, Hikigaya."

"Oh...yeah. Thanks..."

Kawasaki grins a little and I open the door, letting in the soft nighttime breeze. I feel like it could wrap me up like a blanket and carry me to bed through my window. Sometimes, I think I could really fall for that girl.

"See you at school", I say.

I mount my bike for the last time today and go home.

When I enter, my stomach rumbles fiercely. I restrain myself from eating those leftovers.

As I take off my jacket, I notice something fall out. I bend over and pick it up, feeling its spongy texture in the dark room. In the the dim light of the table lamp, I can tell it's Keika's missing scrunchie.

 _I guess I'll have to return it soon..._

I think about coming back and drawing with Keika again. The notion and the memory lightens my fluctuating mood. I take out the picture of Keika and I and take another good look before letting it rest next to the chrysanthemum. They make a good pair. The two sort of combine to make a sort of shrine. It brings me some kind of delayed peace. For a moment, I feel like kneeling at this shrine of hope.

If only I weren't so tired...

My heart rate slows to a beyond comfortable level.

My eyes close in the dining room.

I fall asleep with Keika's scrunchie in my palm.

* * *

 **Note:** I know this is a much longer chapter than anything else so far. I like the idea of Kawasaki seeing the growth in Hachiman at the end. I hope the Sakix8man shippers get something from this. I also hope it isn't too slow so far. I'm going in the direction I feel will make a promising and engaging story for Hachiman. Some really good stuff is coming up...

To add, I would like to say that this will be less of a story about Hachiman realizing the error of his ways and more about what he does with the realizations he's made since the beginning.

As always, thanks to the readers that make me feel a little bit more pressured to write better. Keep an eye out for chapter 8!


	8. Chapter 8 - Abnormal Reaction

Komachi is a good student most of the time. She does her homework quickly and carefully. It's no wonder that she is going to be a first year at Sobu High School. Even though sometimes she needs her older brother's help in figuring something out, she can remain safely autonomous. In this sense, Komachi feels in control and mature. To make the intensive analyzing and probing of literary documents or a page of multiple step equations easier to swallow, Komachi likes to listen to music.

Although...

Because she, like so many nights before, chose to listen to music while she worked...

Unfortunately...

She could not hear her incapacitated brother crying out her name from downstairs.

Komachi finishes the last sentence in an essay regarding a recently read chapter. She takes out her headphones, clicks off the monitor of her computer, and puts on her slippers to go downstairs. She hums happily, skipping and almost tripping her way down the steps that will lead her into the kitchen and dining room areas. Like hitting an invisible wall, she stops running.

She can see him before she gets to the final step. He's covered in food from a dish once on the table where he sat. She can smell the fear in his sweat, corroding the soft carpet below him. It's so shocking that, even as a mature young lady, Komachi cannot help but freeze instantly.

The only thing capable of waking her from her overwhelming, fearful paralysis- and the deepest fear she has- is the care she has for Hachiman. Komachi moves slowly towards him, almost as if she is making sure the same toxin he had most likely fallen victim to isn't in the air or something. She lifts up his head by the rim of his shirt. She can't tell if the warm, sticky liquid in the textile is his sweat or her tears, which now fall fast and free. She checks his pulse slowly, in an effort to calm her rapid shakes and quivers.

She's able to ensure that her brother is alive, but she needs help. As if to not let the fear of his accident govern her, she dashes to her phone madly. She accelerates like a cheetah with a jetpack up the stairs.

 _What happened? Oh god...I thought you were okay. I just..._

Komachi can't stop crying when she finds her phone.

 _You were just fine...and I was doing homework...I didn't see you!_

She shakes with every motion, even as she dials the hospital number.

 _How long were you like this!_

Her breathing is jarring and hoarse...she lets out an anguished scream while the phone dials, that way she can better manage the way she talks to the receiver.

Finally, someone picks up and her tears slow down. She needs to be mature. She knows that. She knows she needs to be clear and concise. She's his sister.

"Hello. Chiba Municipal Hospital"

"H-hi. My brother...he needs help", Komachi whispers with frail dignity. False control.

She feels inadequate at being unable to diagnose Hachiman's state of health. _An allergic reaction? A foodbourne virus?_

"Does he need a ride to the hospital?" the operator says with distinct calmness.

"Y-yes! Please come s-soon. I don't...I d-don't know how long he's been like this", Komachi says, frustrated, and frustrated that she doesn't have the reliable ease that the operator has. A few more scared tears slip out.

"What's your address?" the operator asks quickly. Komachi gives her the address.

"We'll be there soon. Stay calm and be ready to let the EMS team move in and take care of him".

"Okay..."

The responder ends the call. Komachi is left with the phone, gentle in her hand. She wanted to ask more questions...understand more...and get reassurance that her brother will be okay. Instead, full of inaccurate, imposing anxiety, Komachi practically falls down the stairs with her phone still in her grip. Her mind is so implacably foggy that the thought of calling her parents was only one of the things on her mind. The house is flippantly quiet. Komachi wants to scream.

There are sirens coming down the road and shortly, the ambulance arrives in the Hikigaya residence driveway. Komachi watches closely as the paramedics run from the house to the ambulance and then back again with a stretcher painted electric yellow. One they fit it beside Hachiman, they lift him up with time conscious care.

It takes them some time to fasten Hachiman's limp body into the stretcher and get out the door. A paramedic greets Komachi, who all this time had been watching her unstable brother with organic authority. She was prepared to carry him out herself if the paramedics weren't careful enough with him.

To Komachi, the stretcher seemed flimsy and unpredictable. She wanted to follow them out the door with Hachiman. Luckily, with the paramedic comes a question. He asks her if she wants to come along for the ride, since she's the only member of family around. She agrees.

It's much colder outside than Komachi expected it would be.

She knows it offers little protection, but she doesn't go back inside after closing the front door to change from her plain t-shirt into something thicker.

The dangers that could happen while they travel surpass the lowering temperatures.

Even though it's not logical, Komachi feels like her presence now and in the future will make up for all the time she wasn't with Hachiman during whatever happened- she has no clue.

Silent and small, she sits and listens to the older men with her in the ambulance toss around medical jargon. Terms and phrases like "bioelectric concentration" and "metaphysical stabilization" were alien to Komachi.

They were scary.

This wasn't in her homework.

The ride is short. She knows from experience that the ambulances from intercity hospitals always get the right of way. Thanks to good traffic communication in Japan, the ambulance is able to avoid too much congestion. This helps Komachi breathe a little for the first time since she came downstairs.

It's just what the doctor ordered.

She stops shaking. The ambulance comes to an almost perfect stop at the very forefront of the main emergency wing. The sirens stop, the doors crash open, and the paramedics pull out the stretcher like they're landing at Utah beach during Operation Overlord. A lone paramedic offers Komachi a hand out of the cabin of the ambulance.

The current situation lets Komachi be privy to otherwise locked off areas of the emergency wing. There are radiology labs and kiosks full of night shift nurses sipping on coffee mugs from their kids. There are some other operations in progress. Komachi feels meek compared to the scrubs clad nurses, busy surgeons, and beds with other patients inside them that rumble down the sanitized hallways. Komachi cares little for the celestial details of the formally integrated procedures of the modern hospital.

Hachiman is given a room.

The old doctor who inspects Hachiman steals the spotlight. He orders Hachiman stripped of his shirt and his socks and slippers, while several nurses offer Komachi a cup of coffee. She declines, not in the mood for anything to drink.

It's very late.

The ticking clock reminds Komachi to call her parents. It was a call she had been putting off, and not just because she didn't want her parents to react badly.

The phone dials Mrs. Hikigaya's number. Komachi is socially forced to exit the room while the doctor continues to evaluate Hachiman's condition.

Eventually, Komachi, so far gone to the emotional altercations of the evening, falls asleep in the chair outside of the hospital room. For the first time, she falls asleep feeling alone, unsure if even her parents will be there soon.

* * *

Komachi hears a distant voice. Her head feels like slowly draining sewage. This feeling makes her keep her eyes shut firmly, but she can hear her parent's voices. Her mom's words are like an angel's wings dancing in her ear. It's soothingness is overlapped with the sounds of superfluous medical of devices all around.

"Komachi's asleep...I don't want her to wake up" says Mrs. Hikigaya.

"I know but she should still be able to come in when the doctor is ready" Mr. Hikigaya says, in his thick, orderly voice. It reminds Komachi so much of Hachiman- if he were just as old.

"She needs her sleep. She's had a rough night".

Komachi opens her eyes only to be pierced by penetrating hospital ceiling lights.

"I can't even imagine what would've happened if Komachi hadn't done what she did..."

"If you think she'd really want to then you can w-", Mrs. Hikigaya sees that Komachi is waking up. Komachi, resting in a velvet red chair against the west wall, sees both of her parents in the same room for the first time in a long time. It's enough to make her cry again. But after getting in some rest, all she does is break her melancholic frown for a sliver of a smile.

The parents look just as worried as Komachi did. Both tall and rather gaunt, her mom and dad look more wan than usual. Even if it's a result of the robust collection of ceiling lights rather than their son's condition, it's still an outlandish pale.

 _Hachiman!_

Komachi bolts up in sudden terror. She gets to the window of the room where all she can see is a few lights in the small crevice between the privacy curtains. She feels a firm grip on her shoulder that only her father has.

"He'll be okay. He's fine", says Mr. Hikigaya.

"Can we go in yet?"

Mrs. Hachiman steps into the frame too, also wishing she could see her son through the window.

"We need to wait for the doctor to finish running some tests, I think?"

"He's been testing for awhile", Mr. Hikigaya says with mild irritation. Komachi can tell that her father, a man of emaciated tenacity, is worried too.

They look at the glass pane as if they can see through it.

Minutes slug by like molasses down a funnel. They went back to the set of chairs.

The sound of the door opening makes the Hikigayas almost jump. Komachi had fallen back asleep on her father's shoulder. The doctor was a grey-haired gentlemen who had a million stories and years of pain and joy written in the lines on his face. He carried a little clipboard with information so heavy it made it seem as though the doctor could barely hold it.

"I'd like to have a word with you really quick", the doctor says decisively. The moment of truth had come.

"Come on Komachi", Mrs. Hikigaya says quietly to the girl locked onto her father's shoulder.

She stirs for a moment before allowing Mr. Hikigaya to get up as her mom had.

They stretch before the cold chairs they were dormant in for what seemed like hours. One look at the impersonal office clock told them that it had only been half an hour. After stretching, the worried family follows the doctor, holding their breaths in what seemed like a billion slow steps.

The experienced doctor led the half-asleep pack to a small office, probably meant to be used for the delivering of both good and bad news. The Hikigayas are more united now in hoping for Hachiman than they have ever been as a family in recent years.

The doctor makes a loop around the room with the clipboard like it's a bad charm.

His pacing seems to be keeping him focused as he plans out how he wants to explain what happened.

He takes his time with a deep breath and loosening movement. This must be an abnormal night for him.

"Can you please tell us what's going on?" Mrs. Hikigaya says patiently, not one to waste time. She firmly believes everything will be okay. She would like to be out of the hospital with Hachiman and the instructions of how to care for him, much like her husband.

"Yes, absolutely", he stops pacing. For someone with as much experience as he, the doctor never stops having a hard time delivering a prognosis, no matter how severe.

Maybe it's something about the way families try to beg and bargain with him for the healing of their kin, despite options being limited. Maybe it's the quantity of the child's tears as they fail to understand what's going on with their guardian.

Such an unfortunately doomed dilemma.

Komachi stands as persevering and steely as her parents on either side of her.

"Your son seems to have developed an allergy to something he'd eaten today. We will know more later, but he is capable of resting without interference for the time being". The doctor taps his fingers loosely on the clipboard and his pocket protector.

"In your son's case tonight, he had a very rare but very extreme anaphylactic reaction. I assume that it had come on suddenly and much quicker than he could've anticipated, even for an allergic reaction."

This news is welcome. It's an explanation from the light to the darkness. The parents look at one another. It's not news that they want, as welcome as it is as mortal information. The look they gave each other is the look parents don't now how to do correctly. It's not a look to rehearse. To Komachi, who feels much the same, this room seems inadequate for such information. She just wants to go see Hachiman.

"Unfortunately, while he recovers with our help, he'll be in an induced stasis where he can rest in a form of deep and imaginative REM sleep. I expect this will be like many life-like back to back dreams involving real life situations."

The doctor finally puts down the clipboard, no longer needing his personal shield since it seems like the family had digested it well.

Mr. Hikigaya asks the usual question. The doctor is well prepared for it.

"You can sit with him. We will treat him tomorrow with probiotics and oxygen therapy. You're welcome to stay all weekend."

The parents almost smile. Komachi is already about to leave.

Mr. Hikigaya doesn't forget the second most important question he can ask in his role. The doctor doesn't shy away with the hard part over with.

"When he be able to come home?", Mr. Hikigaya asks like he's reading off of a script. The concern in his mature voice, however, is not an act.

"If he passes the required tests, he should be able to check out late tomorrow".

"Thank you..."

"Thanks"

"No problem".

The doctor looks almost serene, as if internally wishing this pleasant family luck. _Although_ , he thinks, _their son has some weird eyes..._

"Your son, make sure he's in good company when he wakes up again". Good company is the best first step on the sometimes overwhelming road to recovery.

The doctor wonders if they look familiar, now that they're leaving.

 _Drive by? No._

 _Kidney failure? No._

He thinks about which incident reminds him of them.

 _Crosswalk car accident involving a small dachshund and an elitist primadonna? Of course not, that's just stupid._

Komachi waves quietly, signalling the family taking their leave. They exit the miniature room- the dwarf office space. It feels even less constricting outside, to their enjoyment. This time, when they reach Hachiman's room, the curtains are opened.

The room is a simple hospital room, outfitted with various monitors and terminals that display both difficult to interpret information and obvious information.

The beeping shows Hachiman's restful heartbeat. Seeing this brings indescribable peace to everyone. They crowd around their favorite pessimist, suddenly finding himself in the hospital again. It's a situation they all sort of recall.

Komachi smiles at Hachiman.

 _I hope Yukinon isn't responsible for you this time._

The dark outside lies at bay, allowing them some space. Even the other doctors outside in the hallways seem to allow a sphere of personal privacy.

Hachiman's parents bring Komachi in close so that they can share their warmth with him. They know he's alive.

But...

What if the life in his mind is continuing to exist? Could it be that he is so far in his dreams, that this day feels less real to him than it does to them? It's an unconventional and struggled concept.

They accept it, no matter how many days, or years, he is enraptured in.

It seems almost spiritual. But what else could they do but wish him the best until he rejoins them in the reality they know he considers to be a void- a canyon of sadness. Even as distant working parents, they keep up with Hachiman's shadow thanks to the many succinct updates from Komachi.

As a family, they commune together. Altogether tired and hopeful- and as silent as Hachiman. The lamp has given the room a cathedral-like glow. Reds and yellows vague on the walls and machines like sun through a stain glass window. The priest is the missing element, but the religion is the saintly spark of trust and collective that Mr. and Mrs. Hikigaya hope Hachiman will understand someday.

It's ironic that Hachiman is unavailable the one and only time he may have finally understood- finally perceived what was once impossible to accept- something truly genuine.

And so, Hachiman's quest for exactly that leaves his family fast asleep on the hospital room sofa.

He couldn't say he loved them before.

He can't say he loves them now.

But he will when he wakes up.

* * *

 **Note:** Back to shorter chapters? Maybe. The plot that I've had faith in since the beginning should be clear now. Sorry if this seems too dramatic, I wanted to be realistic while advancing what should be an obvious mission for Hachiman. I sort of wanted to let Komachi feel responsible for the incident, but I don't feel like she's the type to blame herself. She takes after Hachiman like that. So really, his mission is declared more formally this chapter. Although how many proms he goes to until it gets across to him, I cannot say.

Thanks to reviewers and readers alike. Let me know your thoughts, opinions, or questions. Let them fuel me! And if they are all really mean, then I will stop updating (just kidding). One thing I will promise is a new chapter **every** **other** **day**. Even with school, I cannot help myself but keep adding new chapters.


	9. Chapter 9 - Enter Moonlight

When most people hear the word "midnight", what do you think they think? Where does your mind go to intrinsically- as the first reaction to the word? I suppose most people would perceive it symbolically as an intense depth of dark, the shadows between shadows.

Maybe, in a depressing way, midnight is the last of the good. Maybe it's the cry of the vulture as it eats away strands of crestfallen vitality. The calm head and stocky shoulders of a young man, brilliant and free, decay and sag until another life is taken for a ride on the train of infinity. Defeat. Agony. Suffocation. All lead...all concur, as one...all are tantamount to the brilliant divinity of that which is the darkest time of day. When the sun has bowed so low that the only heat source one will feel will come from the burning hatred in us all.

That...or the crematorium furnace. Ha!

Midnight is the pinnacle, the zenith, the capitol law regarding night. The fantasy ends at midnight. The spell wears off. The illusion of happiness- of youth. It suddenly collapses like ashes in your hands when there is no sun to see one's failures and the failures of the world. The ruin of it all replaces the delusion. And suddenly; the mean coworkers and the doubting voices become dust in the wind. These emotions and struggles are superlative lies created in order to hide the truth. These liars...should realize...that the midnight hour...

happens to occur before...

I open my eyes.

 _Flashes of memory, brief and compact._

 _They fly like shades around Umbrian crypts._

 _They soar erratically, nothing more than afterimages._

 _There are elements,_

 _traces,_

 _beacons,_

 _A busy mom? And..._

 _Shopping?_

 _A child?_

 _Nothing more substantial can be extrapolated, other than every thought, opinion, and emotion somehow possibly associated with these things._

A headache. I close my eyes.

Midnight continues during the day for those of us who understand life as the vanilla product it is. The fallacy of luck is no more real than monsters in my closet. Every self-aware being knows all the real monsters are in our heads. The liars just sit there, keeping it withheld. Instead of taxes, adults evade the dogma of midnight.

It's just sick. These so called rolemodels. But...

If they're all liars, then what does that make me?

 _What even am I?_

I don't want to get existential. I'd fail to explain it.

 _Midnight..._

It's just a word. If I'm being honest, all it signifies is the time of night between eleven and twelve. If I'm being truly accurate, with metaphors and connotations aside. Although, this heavy a soliloquy brings to mind something akin to the saying "two sides of the same coin". In other words...

While midnight symbolizes the ending of something good and the beginning of something bad, it can also be reversed. It's Newton's third law of motion. Midnight signifies a change from something bad to something good just as much as it signifies a change from something good to something bad. What midnight represents, I suppose, depends on a person's point of view. And who am I to judge how they act and think from the first minute after midnight to dusk of the same day.

As for me, I'm usually always asleep.

But the feeling that a new day had begun...

When I finally reawaken...

 _Par for the course._

...means nothing. Absolutely nothing.

There will never be a midnight I reflect on with desperation or hope.

While I may be a liar now, there may come a time when I don't even think about it anymore. I will be so far immersed in layer upon layer of monotone color.

I almost worry that I someday won't be able to see any color besides the black of midnight.

There may come a time when I finally act my age. I probably won't have time to sleep in like this, or think about the things I want to think about without the daily crisis. _Adulthood. Just another word that means the onset of high grade anxiety._

 _At least I'll be able to drink._

I toss and turn a little bit before I finally sit up in bed.

I feel fired up but my thoughts are quieting down like a fire underneath activated sprinklers.

The time is much later than I expect. It's almost midday.

I listen to the sound of the wind against the window. Other than that lonely howl nothing else comes adrift over a single channel. I guess Komachi is already downstairs. I can picture her, warm in her pajamas, watching whatever's on this weekend and texting her friends.

 _Onii-chan! Look at me! I have friends!_

Such obvious insolence will not be tolerated. She knows damn well I have a friend.

 _He just goes to a different school._

The room which usually shelters me from my sister or the cold, among other things, feels stuffy. I get up and look for some clean clothes.

The closet is stuffed with one too many colorless jackets and shirts. I identify the shirt I wore to the Chiba camp and the shirt I wore to the school festival. Those memories sour the milk. These shirts I keep in mind to toss out when I get the chance. It'll be an expeditionary move.

I choose something different...

I want to look how I feel, but at the same time, I want to look how I want to make other people feel.

I think about how the girls flock to Hayama with his well kept image and his trademark bolo tie. I think about trying on a plain colored polo. It's clean and it will probably go well with some dark denim jeans. This is not to say that I want girls to flock to me. I happen to know that they plan to sell Hikigerm spray next year, as a matter of national security. I may have to buy some myself in case cloning technology also becomes available next year.

I'm in the mood for some tea.

I quickly change into the selected pairing of clothes and go to the bathroom. In response to my restless morning, I groan in the mirror. I see myself and my features; the strands of dark hair, the intense jaw line paired with my dead fish eyes. I have nothing clever to say to myself with regards to the way I feel when I look in the mirror. I know it's not going to be a good day.

I keep my eyes focused on the ground while I brush my teeth.

The only trouble I have is finding the toothpaste in the mess Komachi had made. The floor is reasonably clean, but every countertop is home to a plethora of female beauty products and whatsitwhosits.

I set the brush down after rinsing it. The towels are all spent from previous use. I think I see something white smeared on one of them.

"Onii-chan! Good morning! Did you take too long looking at yourself in the mirror in despair?" Komachi yells.

She seems to be fueled by the midday sunshine.

I set my phone down on the kitchen isle and prepared some tea. I find myself performing the procedure with perfect authenticity to the way Yukinoshita used to do it. I even still have the quaint cup I was given by her and Yuigahama. The Pan-San character graphic on the cup stares at me with heartbreaking viscosity. I close the cupboard after selecting a plain white tea cup.

"Hey, you know I can't do that or else I'd break it", I finally retort. I should feel ashamed at some of the things I say.

"Well you will always be handsome to your sister."

 _Don't say it...this doesn't count._

She giggles from the dining room. "I give myself alot of Komachi points!"

 _What kind of scoring system is that? Can you trade in Komachi points for a prize? Is it exchangeable for Costco loyalty points?_

"Making tea? What puts you in the tea mood?" Komachi asks, approaching the kitchen but not leaving the dining room. She may be trying to talk to me while staying in the sun from the window.

"Tea mood? Do I look like Ramona Flowers to you?"

"I hope you aren't planning on seducing me...if that's what you're thinking. Creepy".

"You don't even play the bass..."

"That is NOT the issue here, Creepygaya".

"Doesn't that make you creepy too?"

Maybe she's right and I'm the mad hatter.

The tea is done. Komachi quits teasing me and sits down with a bowl of cereal. I bet she misses that bacon.

I move to join her, but I select a seat I feel remarkably and inexplicably scared of.

My tea is safe in the cup, but I feel an inner tremble as I look at the window. The tempo of my resting heart rate speeds up prolifically. Instead of looking at the window or out of it to the busy streets outside, I'm looking at the two items on the window's rampart. The first is an almost fully grown chrysanthemum and the other item is a small black scrunchie.

Komachi sees me staring, but doesn't say anything with her mouth full of cereal. I take a single, careful sip of tea. It's too hot.

The chrysanthemum...

Traces of denial...

Exiting desires...vain hopes...but the possible recovery therein.

Thin and tenuous are the ties to the bona fide principles I seek...

But ties are easily formed, with time and truth.

And the silent outrage on Yukinoshita's face. The disappointment that I remember.

And the scrunchie...

A symbol or youth...

Renewal...

A bond that feels...right? No, bonds.

A template...

A template for which to accrue and assemble, or should I say reassemble.

One relationship comes to mind when even more of those flashes of memory I had earlier come again. I blow on my tea until it reaches a tepid temperature.

The desire to change comes with them...

* * *

All around me, the palette indigenous to this country flies by and contorts like I'm riding through a three dimensional kaleidoscope.

My trusty bike doesn't give me the opportunity to stop and admire all of the greens and browns of nature that honestly bore me.

I think Bob Ross would have to beat the devil out of me for saying that.

I don't hold back on the pedals, flooring it to the mall past family owned restaurants and appliance stores stuck into two story homes. I bet the people who own those places live on the top floor. Stuff like that creeps me out. Am I buying a shovel to bury my rivals at a hardware store or someone's living room?

The mall is in view. Sun glints off the concentration of cars, blinding me momentarily as I pass the last row of businesses.

Still partially blinded by the mass manufactured automobiles, I barely have time to notice a giant black SUV heading my way. At this rate, we will most likely intersect. I will be blinded by cars and then hit by one.

Who knew my death would be at the hands of the wheeled vehicle? And what's more is that I've been hit by a car before.

 _I don't think I can take another hit._

Before the decline of the hill continues to speed me towards my destined death, I press the brakes and keep my heel on the street pavement. The SUV monstrosity carries on its way into the mall parking lot to join the other members of its genus.

The mall is crowded. I look around for exactly...wait! What did Komachi say?

 _"Mom came by while you were still wasting away in your room. She wants you to grab some [memory failure]. She left her card for you and a special present!"_

I saw that "special present". I was not impressed. I don't even think I can fit into a tux like that. As for the other thing, I can't think of what Komachi said, but I'm certain it will come back to me. However...

I look pretty damn dashing in this polo.

That...or I look like a goth going through a quarter life crisis. Maybe I'll go skydiving without a lesson or go hit on young waitresses. Then again, I wouldn't do those things even if mid-life crisis exists.

I walk through the entrance alone, as per the norm, my eyes guiding me to wherever the -stuff- is. Nothing comes back to me still.

I walk through the huddling people with their enlarged shopping bags. It's like wading through acid. I feel a curious child touch me by accident and I repulse with the sudden impertinence of a jack-in-the-box. I feel sorry for the mom who shovels up her multiple adventurous kids like she'd just hit the jackpot in poker. Although, her poker face must be really misleading. It might be more apt to compare her to a homeless man gathering up his personal effects after being released from jail.

 _Get off those drugs ma'am. Look at me, I look like a mutant and I don't even do any._

As if the kids aren't bad enough, there are plenty of teenagers around too. They do what most bored teenagers do at the mall on a Saturday: loiter.

It's not so bad an idea, if only it didn't add to the mounds of human refuse clogging and clotting- making difficult the already frustrating task of shopping.

I am starting to get the idea that mom really had plenty of time to go shopping.

 _"I have another hour free, so I should go buy [something not at all important enough to remember] before I need to go back. But it'll probably be super busy and I have a lazy couch potato for a son..."_ She probably thought.

Teenagers seem to be the only people paying attention to me. Usually it's just sales people and animals. It would be a step in the right direction if only I never see them giggling when they think I'm not looking.

Am I really that funny to look at?

I don't even need to swivel my head like an owl to tell what they do. I'm that experienced with this old kind of thing.

I bet they would think I'm a kidnapper if I ever walk through these halls with a living person.

Something tells me I may not be alone for much longer...

Past the archway that leads to the sporting goods store and the row of escalators is a multi-color haired girl with the face of a caring sister and the craftiness of a fox. She is gently swinging a sack by her side as she enters the food court. I can see her looking at the vendors hungrily. And before I look away, the other people prevail in blocking the trajectory of my vision. This is just as well.

I'm on a mission.

I need to find...something.

Maybe Isshiki can help? No, she can't help me when the only things on her mind is prom and the challenge of getting me to go.

I swing around. Crap...I can't see the see the sign with the directions. The people that surround me make it hard to get my bearings.

I would make a bad navigator. _Beam me out, Scotty._

With just a glance to my rear, I see her. Isshiki sees me. It would be totally romantic if I hadn't spoiled it by fleeing like a runner being hunted by the diabolical sandmen on last day. People like dominoes, I end up putting a fair bit of distance between this embittered loner and his pursuing kouhai.

Is she pursuing me? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Maybe she just thought she saw me and wanted to check before she eats lunch.

She's wading through the peoplescape like an expert. Her head flounders around as if robotically confirming where I am not. It would be interesting to investigate, but Isshiki doesn't stop. She's getting close.

Too close!

Suddenly, the crowd of people seem like impotent protection. Her womanly knowledge of the mall and of direction must have nullified the effect of the people that had caused me such confusion. Instead of ducking and staying still like you do with unhappy poltergeists, I back up into a store that I hope will keep me safe. Truly, I must've miscalculated. I feel my masculinity diminish as I am overloaded with the smell of perfumes and female products. Komachi's paradise.

I know she's back at the house, but I wonder if she's around here somewhere...

I slowly turn around like I'm the first victim in a horror movie. The first feeling of relief that I had at being undetectable by Isshiki's keen fox senses is destroyed in return of something hellish. I'm in a woman's apparel store. And it's not shirts or shoes...

It's lace and stiletto heels...

Dresses and underwear...

No joke. I even catch Kawasaki in the corner with a dress, _probably for prom tonight_ , checking out this hell's apparently very diverse collection of black lace.

Black lace stares at the black lace before deciding she doesn't need any.

 _Have enough already, do you?_

She checks out the dress and gets it boxed carefully, while I keep low behind the bras.

I wonder if my mom wanted me to get anything here?

I wish I could remember what Komachi said. I was lost in thought while Komachi was relaying mom's message; thinking about the chrysanthemum and the scrunchie and the fragments of vision (and recollection) painted in small strokes with the idea of each item. It still makes me think. If I try really hard, I can even remember the subliminal feeling of deja vu I had just by riding my bike here.

It made no difference in this situation, though.

I feel a tap on the shoulder, still squatting behind the rainbow of bras.

It takes me by surprise, and I jump half an inch. I even hope that this person is actually Isshiki, who had finally found me. It's not...

The female employee looks at me with apprehension, as she should. From her perspective, it would look as if I were spying on Kawasaki from the bra section. She should call the police before I do anything else stupid.

"Can I help you?" she says in an irritated way.

 _Could you keep it down? I'm trying to play hide and seek!_

Kawasaki is still on her way out the entrance.

"No...I'm just...looking..." I ad-lib, making sure that she knows I wasn't peeping on my female classmate by pointing at a hot pink lace bra.

Almost understandably, she moves to thwart me and ruin my already unspeakable reputation.

"You're looking at these **bras**?" she says with sudden vigor.

 _How much are they paying you to do this. Who sent you? Tell me. Was it Haruno?_

Kawasaki and everyone else in the whole store definitely hears the attentive employee. Most of them, including black lace turns to find me on my knees within smelling distance of the rack. It's a going to be a bad day.

Kawasaki looks disgusted and walks out in a huff.

 _"That's so like you..."_

I wince as her widely shared opinion of me echoes in my brain. Although, this time, I feel like running after her and apologizing...

I don't. She wouldn't want to talk to me, give me a chance.

My life as Hachiman Hikigaya may be over, but once I get out of this store I will create a new alias as something much cooler. I will be Maximus Starwatcher. He will be liked by everyone and have normal eyes! And he most certainly won't look at bras. I stop fantasizing lest I follow too closely in Zaimokuza's fat footsteps. The employee is still staring at me with both hands on her hips.

"I was just looking at some for my sister..." I say, flustered and embarrassed. I immediately wish I could take it back.

The employee's face goes red with fury and outrage.

She literally kicks me out.

One would think that I'd be used to this kind of treatment by now, but I'm not. And thus, I will no longer be allowed in any "Victoria's Treasure" branch. Maybe they'll blacklist Komachi as well, since we are family.

 _Good luck getting any lingerie for Taishi Kawasaki here! You're brother is watching you, for your protection._

At least I don't have to smell all that perfume at point blank...

I still can't remember what I actually need to buy. My stomach growls with a boisterous cry. I should get something to eat. After all, mom did give me her card...

The Vietnamese kiosk in the center of the food court serves some decent pho soup.

I accept my bowl with a bottle of water after I pay. Once I'm at a lone table, I sip on the hot ginger broth. Something must be in that soup that makes you remember stuff.

 _Detergent! That's what Komachi said._

I'll look for it after this. It feels nice to put something warm in me. That tea was way too hot, but this soup is just right. Without anything bothering for once, I sit back in my half-way clean seat and enjoy the break.

It's short lived.

Of course...I had forgotten about a certain someone who has to be in possession of a Hikki radar.

"Seeeeeeeennnnnnnn..."

The soup is bitter now and,

"nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..."

it's terribly cold and,

"ppppppaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiii!"

I hate it. I've lost my appetite. I feel the weight of her small hands on the back of my back. Either that, or this soup is just as toxic as that platter of leftovers and I'm just imagining her there.

No...I don't think I could even think up this much irritation.

* * *

She mentions the prom almost immediately after she sits down with her tray of processed fast food. I've already pushed away the only sustenance I've had today. Isshiki, you need to let me eat in peace before you bombard me with more questions than the Americans have bombarded Iraq.

I don't want to be Iraq. I don't even look like Saddam Hussein.

 _Did he have dead fish eyes?_

The mall seems to be getting less traffic. I can now tell Isshiki to stop bothering me without any more misinterpretations.

 _"Leave me alone, I'm shopping?"_

 _"You like bunnies hopping?"_

 _"No. I'm saying leave me alone"._

 _"You want to buy a new phone?"_

 _"Go away..."_

 _"I think I should stay too!"_

Dumb kouhai probably wasn't seriously mishearing me, even though I wouldn't have put it past her with all the people still around before she got her late lunch. Now's shes back.

"So you are going to prom, right?", she asks with shallow hopefulness,

"I never said I would definitely be going", I say. I think about the suit my mom had gotten for me.

"But that's not a no!", she replies with obnoxious perseverance. She'll make a good manager someday. Of course, she'll probably only become manager after outfoxing her rivals and cleverly climbing her way to the top.

I'm already proud.

I wonder if she is still considering what she had overheard me say in the clubroom that one day. I remember the firework-lit confession at Destiny Land, and her stoic perseverance regarding the rejection by her crush afterwards.

And just like that, I am taken back in time to that day. I see Yuigahama at the table as an ad hoc mediator, but Yukinoshita with those stormy eyes looking as if she's seeing me in a different light at that moment lingers like a malignant tumor in my mind's eye. That moment, rich with confusion and...something more sinister? Haruno's instigating words come to mind.

I wonder if I'll ever see Yukinoshita in that room- in that position where she can listen to what I have to say with an open mind- ever again. Her face is still beautifully haunting. I don't need to see her again to picture her in my mind perfectly, ever since the first day I saw her. But now that the day of prom has come, I can't even see her shimmering smile beyond the grey memories she's present in.

I'd look though my phone to see if I have a picture of her, but there is an impatient fox digging into her triple stack cheeseburger waiting for me to reply.

"I really don't know" I say, suddenly feeling less hesitation. Maybe the thought of forgetting her image is scary enough to make me stop the questions long enough to hear Isshiki's pitch.

"Well it shouldn't be too crowded!"

"Really?" I say, surprised.

"No...not really. I can't lie to my senpai's face", she replies squeamishly. She maintains her cute facade, even as she shovels and unexpected amount of fries into her mouth.

"I thought so..."

"But! The music isn't too mainstream!", she retorts.

"How would you hold a dance without mainstream music?", I observe. I can't imagine the teens of Japan slow dancing to Strawbs or King Crimson.

"Well...but I'll be there! And, you need to take responsibility!"

 _I'm not going to help you win a dance with Hayama. The only way you'll get a dance with him is with a contract with the devil. Don't do it! That's how I lost my handsome, adonis-like pecs in exchange for lifetime enlightenment._

"I don't see what I'd get from that", I say while she finishes her tray. She gets up quickly to throw it away and comes back to the shared table without having to contend with the earlier mob.

"Well..." she thinks, or at least acts like she's thinking. "... _she'll_ be there."

 _How sly._

She says that with emphasis. If she means Yukinoshita like the emphasis indicates, then it would make little sense, seeing as she has to be there as the coordinator of the whole thing.

 _But still, it connects some dots..._

 _Filling that template..._

I yawn. It must be early evening or something, if my internal clock is functioning normally. It's turning mild orange outside, putting my theory to rest.

"I'm going to get a refill!", Isshiki announces before getting up again.

While she's gone, I check my phone for any trace of Yukinoshita. I feel like I'm worked up in a cold-sweat, checking the phone like I'm making sure she was once in my life. To no one's surprise, I have no pictures of her.

I want to ignore it, but I can feel my heart sinking.

Isshiki gets back, carrying her extra large soda in one hand. I stand up. I'm still doubting, but if history tells us anything, it's learn from your mistakes. If this is a mistake, then I will have to regret it tomorrow...

"Oh! Senpai! How gentlemanly of y-"

I cut her off, not wanting her to waste her breath.

"-I'll go." I whisper.

I'm going to see her. What else I'll do...I don't know. I don't know anything except that I cannot fulfill Yukinoshita's request. I can't even let her be right. I need to prove her wrong like I failed to do in the clubroom where she told me those words...

 _"Let's put an end to this"._

Isshiki recovers from the shock of my sudden declaration. I'm certain she was prepared to argue, beg, and present her reasons as to why I should go. There's no point, especially if it's already so late. Maybe that detergent will have to wait another day.

I am stolen with idea of making things right. I am full of the contemplation and concentration of putting all of my effort into breaking the glass mirror. The final foe. What I'll say to her, I have no clue. I just need her to hear me like she did that afternoon, when I'd requested something genuine. That's why, as long as I go and she hears me, even if I get knocked back into the tumultuous void, I'll have felt the purity of being genuine.

I'll let her see the real me...

* * *

Isshiki accompanies me to the prom. We meet up with each other outside the gate, where I can see the decorations flitting about in the sweet, clean breeze. Just a look with my dead fish eyes gives off the impression that Yukinoshita has spent more man hours on this project than anyone expected. I bet Haruno will have a thing to say about this, especially since Haruno has never directed a prom before (at least, not one of this magnitude). The school courtyard looks otherworldly, looking almost like an appealing place to be.

Props to the student council too...

Isshiki blushes. "Senpai, you look so mature!", noticing my obvious transformation from boy to man. Even without the accolade of manhood, I felt more comfortable in my black polo.

"Oh...thanks". I'm not amused.

Isshiki twirls a little, showing off her dress. It's a nice dress, with a medium length bottom that only grazes the ground. It matches the color of the sunset to our flank, with bits of silver sequined in. Overall, she looks very comfortable in it. It matches her petite figure just the same.

"So?...", she says.

"So what?", I say meekly with my hands deep in my pockets. I really do feel out of my comfort zone in this thing.

Isshiki rolls her dolled up eyes.

"What do you think, senpai?"

 _This is a trap! Don't answer her, you know what she'll say!_

But it does look nice...I have to give her some credit. Besides, I need to practice being honest before prom begins.

Some couples and lone wanderers walk between us and go through the gate to find their friends.

I focus on Isshiki's question before I terrify myself with the thought of confronting Yukinoshita and ignoring Yuigahama's wish. Even a calm night such as this has no problem with letting me suffer in the prison of my mind. The dress...

"I think it looks good on you", I say. I went for nonchalant sweetness. Even so, I did not expect her reply. Really, she didn't have much of any reply prepared. No usual line about me hitting on her or a look of indignancy at my misunderstood compliment with her chest crossed and protected by her thin arms. Maybe it was because I said it in such a passive way that she does nothing by remain frozen with the blush of a true hearted princess, the dusk sun basking her and I.

I feel like the rom-com gods have the wrong ship here...

 _"I said I'll cue the sunset when I'm with Yukinoshita!"_

I can sense the rom-com gods laughing as she looks to the ground awkwardly.

"I'm going in", I say, officially devoted to the plan I have set in motion. I begin walking in. The sun is still out, but I can tell the moon and its waking light apart from the dimming sky, high in the opposite quadrant. And if that's not enough, I can feel midnight fast approaching. It's the eleventh hour in my pursuit for something genuine. If I can't talk to her honestly, then I deserve for it all to end.

I can hear Isshiki's light footsteps on the concrete behind me.

People on all sides seem to notice me. Maybe it's because I'm walking with more purpose than I usually would. Maybe it's just the stupid suit.

Isshiki seems to get farther away with every stride. I know she has probably caught on to me already and is intentionally walking slower. I subconsciously offer her the best of luck in having a moment with Hayama Hayato. I get the feeling she's offering me the exact same sentiment, but with Yukino Yukinoshita.

I don't look back as I enter the building.

Begin Act III, Scene 1.

Enter moonlight.

* * *

 **Note:** Another decently sized chapter to my noble readers. I want to stress that I understand that this plot can seem boring, but the catch is in the events of each day during Hachiman's incapacitation and the fact that this isn't a dream to him. Although, since every review is taken into consideration, I will do my best to spice this bitch up beyond the hijinks and drama I already have meticulously planned out.

Feel free to ask any questions, offer suggestions, or call me a gaylord with no talent, I appreciate them all. Tell your friends! (The ones who won't ex-communicate you for being a weeb).

Hachiman will be at prom for chapter 10. There will be some f*****g around with characters who haven't made an appearance yet, a big drama talk with Yukino, and maybe possibly a big thing with a spotlight on Yui. Obviously, the outcome of everything here will ultimately affect Hachiman (dreaming or not). This chapter and next chapter are meant to showcase what growth has been happening since the beginning of the story, even though it should be pretty obvious. See you all again on the 27th.


	10. Chapter 10 - The Wish

_Thanks, clock._

Thanks to an inaccurate, somehow warped analog clock which used to be reliable, I am early to prom.

I clear out of the main lobby so that it won't be awkward when Isshiki follows me in. I pass the lockers and the huge balloon displays majestically arranged all the way down the hallway to the gymnasium. The balloons wobble as small groups of students pass, some looking nervous and some looking entertained. I think I would qualify as a student in the former category. It's so early that there is barely a line.

The students are few during this early stage of the night, for which I am thankful. I express my gratitude by avoiding them all and going a separate, lone direction. I feel like I have some free time to sit and actually diagnose how, if at all, I will succeed in repairing this...offering myself genuinely. I will need to analyze every possible reply Yukinoshita can give me, so that I might win her back sliver by sliver- piece by piece. Even though, pardon my inability to express it, I don't know what winning would mean for me.

I reach my special spot just in time to catch the sun resisting its inevitable, fantastic doom. The sky is sending cascades of every bright color on the spectrum of visible color and then some. It would be a picture perfect moment.

Alas, I sit here as I always have, overthinking with technical and profound precision with nothing but the strong oaks to keep me company. I feel those sails leaving to a different sunset. A different shoreline.

This is, without an objection, something I can't forget.

I shiver, the nightly cold washing me like a baptism before a funeral.

Somewhere, behind the trees that watch me ever closely, the sun is still colliding with the horizon. It comforts me that it will be back to me even if I don't win tonight.

Winning. I've always been a loser.

I'm used to losing. I wrote the book on it, which ironically, would be terrible and long winded even if it existed.

But If I'm so used to it then why is it that, tonight of all nights, I can't feel the surge of painful loss recalled to my hippocampus and amygdala.

I don't want to portray myself as some fearless demi-god. I don't deserve that kind of credit. I don't deserve any credit at all. I suppose even demi-gods have weaknesses born from the love for a companion, their sentimentality for a possession, or their loyalty to a group of people.

The wind coming through the trees makes enough noise to alter the way I reflect.

Unlike the wind, I have remained stubbornly steadfast and unbreakably dogmatic in the most stagnant, pseudo-religious form. I may as well believe in god with how much I'd reminded myself of how evil youth is. Youth is isn't even a concern now. Looking back, I feel childish for all the things I had concentrated on with such narrow sight (except the things that were and still are true). I feel childish for a recent thought; the idea that I had learned to fly when I am barely able to run.

Fly like the wind soars through the healthy trees.

All I can really do is sit at my special spot and imagine myself chasing the wind all the back to the moments before I became the monster of repetitive self-delusion- of constantly perpetuated cycles- I am now. Suffice it to say, not much has changed.

Except one thing, which will remain in my mind no matter how many times I wake up feeling like something imperative is missing.

This thing...is that I realize much of this now. I am declaring a new meta of self-actualization and philosophy. I am declaring something more...

The accommodating of a template for strong relationships. At least one strong relationship, so that I may be rewarded after I finally discover what it means to be completely genuine. I wouldn't be surprised if nothing more comes from this than what I deserve.

I realize how restful I am just sitting here amidst the non-judgmental nature.

My phone buzzes.

I have a few messages and a missed call.

Scratch that. I have many messages from Komachi and one missed call from Yuigahama.

The mention of Yuigahama reminds me of my decision to renounce, and in a non-mean spirited way, trample on Yuigahama's wish which I was asked to complete as Yukinoshita's final words.

I remain convinced that I am pursuing the correct path. Genuine.

I smile as I read Komachi's messages:

 _"Onii-chan...no detergent...?"_

 _"Have fun at prom! Make sure you dance with a pretty young lady who reminds you of me! Make plenty of unforgettable memories!"_

 _"Oh, and tell Yukinon I say yahello. Make sure you do that for me!"_

I do not smile at the last message.

 _"Wish me luck! I'm going to the movies with Taishi Kawasaki!"_

I'm going to choke slam him for going out with my sister, the bastard.

Before I forget, I make a memo to warn Komachi about what happens when guys get older. I don't want to see her innocent heart get broken by someone who probably likes to wear black lace to bed.

The time reads 6:48.

I stand and stretch for a second.

Even without a major light source to assist me in getting up from the steps and going back into the building, I still know by phantom memory where to put my hand to balance myself and how many steps I need to take to get to the door.

It's the magic of my special spot. My head is slightly less cluttered and somehow...lighter.

This doesn't mean that I want to go charging into the gym where I'm sure I'll find Yukinoshita at the cusp of her moment as a true, proud Yukinoshita.

In fact, through the lonely hallway, which is clearly lacking the decorations which adorn the other parts of the school, I walk just as slow as always.

I feel like this slow pace helps me collect myself whether disturbers of my sacred personal bubble are present or not.

My steps echo out the only sound in the midsection of the school. I relish in this moment of peace, even if I can't sit outside in my special spot.

My heartbeats become more and more excessive the closer I get to the noise...the motley of well dressed youth all prepared for a night of blossoming love and requited romance. As I round the corner, I'm brought to the hub of operation. There is a thick line of hopeful romantics and excited students all queued up to purchase their admittance. Stop laughing Tobe, not everyone is so lucky to have already had their heart broken.

So many young faces, not one of them hers...

I face unexpected trouble before I even get a chance to procure a place in the vast line which extends to the stair well and is continuing to grow. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her approaching me like a jet fighter on my six. She's just as deadly as such.

I groan silently like a thief getting caught in the act. So...she's here.

The mary-sue of the altogether invincible Yukinoshitas.

The Empress.

The Belle of yonder ball.

This woman makes me antsy. And now that I'm already uncomfortable at a social event that would've scared me to think about going to long ago, wearing what I believe is actually a tux once size too small, I feel pressured by just her look.

"Look at this cool guy over here..."

She can't be referring to me. I'm only 'cool' when the temperature is beneath 30 degrees Fahrenheit. Reflectively, I'm only 'hot' if it's...well the point is, I'm not cool.

"Sis sure knows how to choose 'em", she eyes me like a cat would observe a kitchen mouse. She looks me up and down, trying not to be too quick to trace her finger over the fabric of my tie.

 _Please don't eat me. I have a serious bug that will give you dead fish eyes and a lack of basic social cognition._

"She and I don't talk now."

"Ara! And why is that? Did my sister's man make a dark discovery?", she mock gasps, holding a well manicured hand to her mouth.

 _Sister's man? Did Yukinoshita claim dominance over her preferred mate?_

It's so spartan, I would actually believe it if Yukinoshita were anything were like her older sister.

The line continues to grow. At this rate, I may never make it to the threshold of the gymnasium before 8. I'll have to dance by myself just outside...

" _Ara._ Think again".

"How dare you insult a lady like that! I just gave you a compliment", she rotates her ornate dress a bit too flittingly. It's not a bad dress, it's the wearer who needs a new look. She smiles with excitement at my signature off-putting comment.

"I'm surprised you expect so much of me", I say, still looking at the expanding line as if it were a python with limited space.

Haruno sees this. I'm almost scared to express what I think she's thinking. She comes closer to me, smashing my personal space bubble- my sacred space! My clean air is made putrid with the smell of saccharine and fleeting affluence. And, at the same time, I get the feeling Haruno's taste in perfume is far inferior to Yukino Yukinoshita's.

Closer still, I can feel one of her hands resting gently on my back and another nipping my arm, both steering me in the direction of the ticket box.

"I can tell how eager you are to talk to her! I didn't want you to wait any longer", she smiles with a cheeky grin.

I don't mind the help, but I was also relying on my wait in line to put off going in there sooner. I can hear a smooth jazz ballad radiating from the gym. It's complex chords and big band sound translating traditional dance to the modern age. I imagine many of my classmates and even closer acquaintances already in there, mingling and having what I imagine to be a good time.

Haruno guides me up to a tired looking male student council member in a nice vest. He notices us before handing out two tickets to a couple in matching colors. I'm almost remorseful for the overworked boy seeing as he's about to encounter the witch of Sobu High School.

"Excuse me!", she says, jumping in line.

"I will take two tickets!", Haruno exclaims. Or more aptly put, demands. She slides her pale hands on the table and then removes them, leaving behind enough yen for two tickets.

"Excuse _you_. If you want tickets, get to the back of the line", the exhausted clerk says, trying to make a compromise with the uncompromising.

I can only stand like a puppet on the sidelines while I wait for our inevitable entrance.

 _Just say yes...it will make this so much easier._

"Do you even know who I am? I happen to be very important around here". Haruno gestures to herself like a reciting madrigal.

The boy yawns, bored of this exchange. "No, I don't. So please...get in line so I can do my job".

This guy looks like he's going to be stubborn. I can tell Haruno is thinking the same thing with the look she spins at me.

"That's unfortunate...", she says, smiling like a cat with a trapped, defenseless mouse about to become a meal. Another cat analogy...damn, aren't there any other animals that remind me of this woman?

Not really. She's as conniving as she is bewitching, so in other words: a cat.

I have to wonder why she and her sister don't get along more often if that's the case. Maybe I'm not being creative enough with my analogies?

"I have to ask agai-", the boy stops, seeing Haruno retrieve her phone and dial with haste.

"-who are you calling?"

The boy now looks tired and intrigued. I imagine I don't look much different.

Haruno takes the phone away from her ear to reply. "I'm just calling my sister to let her know you aren't letting me and her boyfriend in".

The trap is sprung. Watching this is like watching a nature documentary where you hope the peaceful zebras notice the lions closing in on the watering hole. Wait! Did she say boyfriend?

"Who's your sister?"

"You may have heard of her! Her name is... Yukino Yukinoshita", Haruno explains with a complacent tone of voice. Immediately, the poor boy hands over two tickets without accepting the yen on the table, which Haruno swiftly collects.

His face pale, he lets us through apologetically. "Please have a great time!", he says quickly.

Yukinoshita, I see you are still maintaining a ruthless name for yourself. That boys shocked face had Ice Queen written all over it.

The music gets uncomfortably louder, step by step. The beat with the swung quarter notes matches my heart rate until my heart out-paces it. The rat race is over. I feel as though I've entered the twilight zone; a place I would normally never go. But still, this has to be the right decision. After all...

I can hardly think about anything without my thoughts bringing me back to her.

She's still the white light in my dreams that makes me feel somehow changed when I wake up.

She's the elegant, evocative vision in my reveries.

And now...she's the girl standing at the center of the immense hall.

* * *

I enter the room, paying close attention to Yukinoshita and Yuigahama, who are talking with each other. Surrounding them are rows of dancers. The population of dancers increase the closer to the stage you get, and all around the perimeter of the hall are ashen looking guys hunching in seats. They sit like heartbroken strangers masked in part by singles and friends chatting cordially about the usual stuff.

If I didn't have the experiences I do, I would've assumed they were simply waiting for someone.

 _People let you down, they reject you and send you away politely. But it hurts the most when you realize that you aren't good enough and you disappoint yourself._

I can envision my younger self preparing to make a confession or make an otherwise unauthorized move.

I get PTSD flashbacks of that Hachiman being rejected and torn down by his crushes. It was such a frequent occurrence that I didn't bother going to a dance alone. This feeling that I recall now allocates permanent butterflies to my stomach.

I head towards the punch table, where finger foods and party parcels sit in a complex array. I'm not ready, even though I've talked it through and I know that what I'm doing the right thing. I'm just imagining an end when I am unsure that I've the means. I will never be _ready_.

Even though I am implementing the template that will change everything, I can't just make a bee-line to Yukinoshita.

Instead, I make a detour to taste test the punch. It's good stuff, I don't know why more people aren't up here. Maybe they see me...

I realize just how vulnerable and uncamouflaged I am in this position. If there weren't pairs of tiny dancers between us, Yukinoshita would've seen me. That would've been untimely. I scoop another ladle of punch into my glass after I finish downing my first helping.

"So I hear you're going to share a dance with Tobe tonight?

I hear the school fujoshi behind me.

"Who did you hear that from?", I say without turning around. I can tell it's Ebina by the quivering excitement in her voice.

 _Tobe and I? What an unholy pairing._

Someone would have to be really sick to picture such a thing. Still better than Saika Totsuka and...anyone else. Nobody can defile him.

"That's not important! What is important is that he's available and you two are wearing matching ties!"

I turn around to see she is in a pleasant green dress. It's enough to make her pass for someone normal with normal proclivities. Unfortunately, her spastic smile just imagining her biggest fantasies gives her away.

 _Don't get carried away Ebina, I don't think Yukinoshita prepared a reserve of tissues..._

"I don't think that's going to happen", I say and take another sip. Seriously, this is some good punch. I look at my burgundy tie. Tobe has a good sense of style. Maybe he's smarter than I give him credit for. At some point, I'll rue those words of praise. _He can't even get my last name right._

The room is more crowded now. I see Yukinoshita standing in the middle, still chatting. I better get a move on this.

I can't put this off; I've already taken way too long. At reflection, this overdriven hesitation may be the reason I'm in this situation.

Ebina, responding to my glare like Haruno had when I looked at the line, speaks up.

"Maybe I should go?"

I catch on. "Hey..."

"What?"

"I think I see Zaimokuza confessing to Totsuka over there", I point to a random corner near the stage.

I grimace at the pairing. How dare I?

Even hypothetical, I hate the idea of Totsuka being pursued by a rotten, pubescent chuuni like Zaimokuza. I imagine Zaimokuza's hypothetical rejection.

I take a few steps away from the table while Ebina is momentarily distracted.

Hayama, Tobe, and the others of the ruling crowd come to the spread table I thought I would've departed by now.

"Yo!"

"Hey, Ebina, have you seen Yui?" asks Miura in a fire red gown. Hayama, on her right, is staring at something else. He looks tidy as always.

"I haven't, but we can go look!" Ebina replies. She looks at me as I'm sneaking away with some understanding. A look that says _go on._ It's strangely helpful. I feel almost ready.

The group of well established praetors move on after rejoining with Ebina, presumably to look for Yuigahama. With the entirety of the line from outside now in this portion of the building, it's no wonder I can't find Yukinoshita. The rafter lights cast down eccentric beams of laser blues and spotlight whites. With such chaotic lighting, the search for Yukinoshita is made harder. Everyone is coated in the soapy light.

I walk around to where she stood, at the heart of the hall, trying to get a vantage point. I can't get a vantage point until I'm up on stage.

I get a fascinating idea. Although, maybe fascinating isn't the right word. I can probably find her quicker if...

My path to the stage is blocked only by rows of couples encircling me like I'm Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn. I break through them and get on stage.

Thanks to the poor stage lighting, I'm certain that no one but the rhythm section section can see me peek out of stage right. The drummer keeps the time while giving me a look full of confusion. _Don't look at me, I was never here._

From the stage, I can make out heads and a few faces, but it's an overall improvement over the cat and mouse game I was playing on the overpopulated dance floor.

In a shimmering, elaborate dress of deep royal blue stands the Ice Queen, appearing formal and stalwart.

She is speaking amicably with Haruno. It will be a short-lived conversation.

On the other side of the gym stands Yuigahama, surrounded by her clan.

The butterflies return like a swarm of bees to pollen. I get off the stage before I have a panic attack and the band is forced to escort me backstage.

I reach the ground floor.

Haruno sees me take a step from there. She waves blatantly, trying to get Yukinoshita to look at me. It works.

Yukinoshita looks at me, her hair done up and her eyes in a glaze of near-perfect eye makeup. It's enchanting.

It's so enchanting that my heart leaps when her eyes connect with mine in what I hate to describe as a cliched juncture. She gives me an almost challenging look, not even realizing that Haruno is no longer there. I only half realize the voice coming from behind me.

"Hello? Izuko? Hello!"

Yukinoshita looks down, only to swivel on her heel and head another direction. _Who does she think I am?_

"Hey! Izuko."

I need a Yukinoshita detector like Isshiki's me detector. She disappears into the mess of students, who are no longer dancing. A few are scattered in the middle. Maybe it's half-time. Do dances have a half-time?

Wait, has the music stopped?

I notice a guy with a headset, dressed in black, tapping my shoulder.

"Izuko, where have you been? Ogami said you would be here".

 _What is this? Yet another wrong place wrong time kind of ordeal?_

That's exactly what I'm sensing.

He takes me by the arm like I'm a kid at the zoo. We go to where I was peeking out just a moment ago. There, he hands me an electric bass and a tuner.

"You're on!" He gives me a little tap. Baffled as I am, I notice the upright bass player sitting against the wall, looking a pit...green. _I see..._

This is going to go horribly. I have to let him know...

"What's your deal? Are you sick too?"

"Uh..."

"Go on, you got this". He whispers this encouragement in the awkward silence hanging in the gym. He pushes me slightly harder, not giving me a chance to say anything before I am spotlighted on my stage. "Umm...wait!"

It's almost my worst nightmare.

I think about the old guitar at home. This bass can't be much different, right?

Even with such optimism, I am no doubt sweating like an ox.

I can't see the crowd. I can hear a few voices while people probably wait for the music to start again- waiting for me.

I pray that Yukinoshita's attention is elsewhere. I slowly back into my seat, almost running into the stand where I assume the next standard is waiting for me.

 _Blues for Alice. Key of F major. What the hell is this chart?_

It's swung eighths and even has a bass solo.

"Are you okay?" asks a boy next to me, holding a guitar in his lap.

"I was wondering what you were doing, Izuko". This voice comes from the drummer.

I only nod.

The bass hums affectionately as it's plugged in. The drummer pauses, eyeing me closely before counting off the tempo.

After a few firm clicks, I am thrust into the ensemble.

I try to nail the changes but I start to get lost around bar 55.

When the song ends, I get up. The drummer and guitarist look almost relieved, just like me. I don't have time for this. Unassured contemplation has gone to explosive exigency. I hand the bass back to someone else.

You'll have to manage without me.

"Wha-where are you going?", asks the boy with the headset.

"I feel sick", I say, not looking back as I run down the steps. The band starts up again, missing a bass player. But if I had a better ear, I would say that it actually sounds better without me. I was sidetracked for a few minutes, but thanks to my position, I believe that I had Yukinoshita found.

 _Somewhere past these people?_

Again, I'm poor with directions. It doesn't help that people have immigrated back to the main floor again.

I finally see her for a third time. It's been annoying, but at least I know that Tobe has good fashion sense (as if I have any room to speak), Yukinoshita is way too good at blending in with a crowd, and I can play bass.

I won't back down. If I know anything, it's that I've been cowering behind a web of lies born from the embers of my former turmoil. This immaturity- this relapsing has kept me from realizing the only thing capable of bringing me to prom. The only thing that, for so long, I had kept hidden from even myself. This feeling, which matches the cruel fate of every man, has me cornered. But now that I am no longer struggling to allow myself to indulge in a want of my own, I don't need to feel cornered. I feel liberated.

Even if the day ends with failure and rejection, I will know that I had acted authentically. A rose in bloom, and flower in the snow.

This winter cold, I have begun and will continue to shed like an old skin.

I feel liberated enough to say it. To say the thing that I had suddenly alluded to, as late as it is. This thing would be: my wish. This wish, which I believe will conform to this template, is probably the same as Yukinoshita's, as she had said about Yuigahama's. This wish will change me and her, but I hope...

If she doesn't go away.

If she listens to me while I fail and put together awkward words, while I offer the rawest piece of me I can.

 _Words that will be an almost incomprehensible dialect to me._

That we will change together.

* * *

 **Note:** Another chapter. It's going exactly at the pace I planned, and I think things are coming together. I can't just do the prom in one chapter, that would be a bit too rushed (imo). I finally get Haruno and Ebina into the ring. Hachiman playing bass was kind of a funny idea and some other stuff I threw in for added padding. Other than these comments, I realize I could've shoehorned in the confession to Yukino, but I think that needs some more...muscle (like, story clout).

This chapter will be just one important moment in many as Hachiman figures things out. Should be fun to get more followers and questions.

Check out some of the other talented writers for this fandom! As always, thank you for reading. I'll be back on Tuesday the 29th with the sequel chapter to this one.

 **Another Note:** I had some realizations of my own: the first chapter lacks the necessary context needed to fuel the story...and so I added the incident (let me know if it makes a difference any). This incident is my own take and is sweet and succinct, it is **not** verbatim volume 13 chapter 8. I also changed the summary to be more accurate.


	11. Chapter 11 - She Loves You Too

The running that day tired them out.

For her, the fragility of her physical condition meant an unplanned rest.

For him, the completion of the investigation of Hayama Hayato had ended in a knee scrape.

For her, the end of the race was over. She looked for the other two service club members.

As the others celebrated the marathon and Hayama's victory, she saw her Hikki walk across with a minor abrasion. It was because she knew him that she held herself back from going to him.

Eventually, she would have to tell them about Miura's party.

...But she was too used to him walking alone. She figured that giving him the space not offered by even Yukino Yukinoshita, it would bring her close to him somehow.

The fear in her rises like a natural geyser the more steps she takes; the more stairs she climbs bring her closer to the only place a student could go to relieve a bruise or scrape.

Voices. Two young voices come null from a closed door. Neither of them seem to belong to a discernible gender, but she knows.

 _Hikki..._

She breathes warm, recycled air like another noiseless wish.

She's so selfless she wants to cry.

 _Hikki, please..._

Did he forget about their plans? Does he remember the pastry she brought to him at the school festival?

Did he forget the way he saved her dog, and the way she joined the Service Club like an old friend. It felt to her like the only thing he remembers is the friendship he loaned to her with every doubt a person can leave attached. She can't think of anything much more than that either.

But in her dreams...she and Hikki had so much more.

In some, Yukinoshita isn't there completely. But in most, they are all together and happy. So happy, that it could never possibly come to pass.

Why couldn't this have been a dream too?

Yui Yuigahama wanted to burst in with faux delight.

 _"Yahello!"_

She could've thrown in a smile and some giggles, because she is a selfish girl. She'll grab their attention like cops at a drug deal gone wrong.

Red handed.

 _"I guess I must be interrupting..."_ More smiling, until they all part ways.

Instead, she watched them like fish in an aquarium habitat. Yukino, with eyes full of resolve, fear, and...love. Hachiman, with his eyes full of those things and more, like a child on Christmas day- too in awe to speak.

This goes on for long enough to make tea. She kept her ear to the door, listening to them speak with such affability. It's the closeness she could have if she only never did what would make her, in Hachiman's eyes, a nice girl.

Too little too late?

It's wrapped up in her so tightly that she forgot to listen in.

The door is cast open in a tempest.

Hachiman jumped out of shock, but Yuigahama didn't have that luxury. She propped herself up like a styrofoam cut-out poster.

"Hikki-"

"Oh, it's Yuigahama", Hachiman said, probably back to Yukino.

"I just got here", she reasoned. It's not untrue. Her hurry to say a detail like that would add to the suspiciousness of Yui's sudden being there. The thought of how long they were in there before her arrival worries her.

Before telling her friends about the party, she took a long to just look at the two of them.

"Is this the way it is? It this the destined ending?" Yui thought, her speculations like shards to her heart.

Hachiman looks obviously flustered. But the look on Yukino's face was one that Yui can't forget.

A warning...

A sign of pity...

Regret.

At that moment, Yui Yuigahama met the midnight of her mind for the first time.

* * *

Yuigahama is on the wing in a spiffy pink dress that covers most of her body, save for some extra additions. She looks about ready to pounce from her position with her friends over to me. Sometimes the way she acts so excitable and endearing is a grievance as much as a blessing.

I can't decide if her company when I talk to Yukinoshita will make me uneasy or tense.

Probably tense.

I can't imagine anyone taking something like this any worse than Yuigahama. She's too nice. I felt too much like a bad guy by just making this decision.

Yukinoshita is no longer in a position to run anywhere else. Technically, she could just walk away, but where could she go to find a reason to be? This is a secluded corner. And, farther away from the stage, most of the sound is denied by acoustics at this far point.

Yukinoshita looks at me dead in the eyes, unafraid to send me away. After all, she's been avoiding me this whole time.

It's now or never.

I suck in a shrill breath and try to settle by haywire nerves which tell me at every synapse that what I'm doing is the absolute wrong thing to do to survive. Is this Darwinism? Will I fail to adapt to my environment? No...I've already adapted. I'm spreading my wings.

"Hey", I say, the social butterfly in me making it's annual appearance. Or maybe it had escaped from it's clan in my gut.

She looks stunned, realizing that maybe my intentions aren't at all as perverted or creepy as she used to think.

"Hello...", she says. The whisper of her unforgettable voice is like a time-capsule. To it, I unlock all of the treasures of our memories, even the ones of loneliness and solitude. They remind me of the times I shed my innocence to announce my request, and the reason I'm here tonight.

I almost forget that I'm in a tux.

"What is it".

Her gaze is undivided now. It's like standing in the sunlight if it were a frozen orb that has your heart chained to it.

"I need to...to say something. I think it should explain why I followed you from place to place..." I say, realizing what a stalker I must seem.

A bit of color flairs her cheeks.

"Oh, well I hope so, or else I'd need to call the exterminators, or the police", she jests with light amusement. This is probably just a ploy to seem pleasant despite our circumstances.

I feel caught up in the sway of the dancing motion in my peripheral vision. Should I...

I think maybe that should wait.

"I don't think the police respond to calls from little girls". I say this cheerily, wanting to follow in her footsteps.

"What about my father? What would he think if he heard I was assaulted by creepy, dead-fish-eyed street vermin?"

"He would have to look really hard. I blend in to the walls pretty well".

"That's because nobody ever looks for you", she laughs.

"Did Komachi tell you that? Did she tell you about..."

"About what? Your hide-and-seek victory streak? Even if I had as many defeats as you, I would still be embarrassed about that". Just cold...I put a lot of effort into fitting into the washer! What right does this woman have to tell me my many accolades aren't worthy of acknowledgement.

"Maybe you'd be more humble if you had more defeats", I say smiling a little. I hope this goes on forever. I feel wrapped up in this simulation like a warm blanket by the fireplace. If this were anything more than virtual, I would be unspeakably content. But...

It's not. This is a synthetic replica.

It's fools gold.

I need to make this genuine enough to smile at with her rather than at her.

I'm getting closer to the fire.

"You look...good", I wave a palm at her dress while the other hand is safely stowed in my pocket.

"Oh...thanks..."

"Yeah...

"That's not really what you wanted to tell me".

I sit and wait, maybe for too long.

I've missed chance after chance. My blade is only getting sharper- nearly to the limits. Even if it takes more than this.

"Well-"

"Hikigaya, I have something to ask too".

"Of course. Go ahead, I can wait", I say with a frosty exhale. The music speeds up in tempo. Dancers look tiredly at each other. Things are starting to slow down for the night as some of the previously energetic couplets take a seat, grab some food, or divide to go talk to friends. Even so...

"YAHELLO!"

Yuigahama's homing device is always activated.

"Hikki! Yukinon! You guys look totally cool! I mean...um...", she begins to grow swirling red galaxies on her cheeks.

Yuigahama interjects but chooses to stand next to Yukinoshita.

"Please, Yuigahama, I was saying something..." Yukinoshita says, as annoyed as I feel.

"Awww...that's so mean! I was just wondering if we all had any plans after the dance!", she leaps in the air like a kid full of candy.

"We can talk about it soon". I stay quiet.

"Okay, but I just happen to have three tickets to a movie airing later tonight!", Yuigahama says, adjusting her top and patting her satchel. This is getting out of control...I need to do something.

"Yukinoshita", I say, louder than I intended to, but it grabs her attention away from Yuigahama. I look around at the few dancers still on the floor. The song that had just been playing finally ended.

 _This will have to work._

I look from Yukinoshita to Yuigahama, fully aware of everything.

 _This is for you, Yuigahama. I owe you this much..._

"Will you dance with me?", I ask.

She looks at me with glossy eyes, clearly baffled.

"But...but...I don't think...it wouldn't make..." the excuses she thinks of on the spot are many, but none of them can apply to this.

She looks at Yuigahama and suddenly understands the pros of taking our conversation away from Yuigahama, as I had foreseen.

She nods lightly, with more reasons for agreeing than she lets show.

Yuigahama is quiet as we walk away, closer together than we have been for what feels like a long time.

It's announced that there will be only one more song...

"Don't worry, we'll be back very soon", Yukinoshita promises Yuigahama. Yuigahama smiles crookedly, like a broken machine. As I enter the domain of young love with Yukinoshita, I look back with some regret. I'm certain that Yukinoshita does too. I look a second time, partly out of nerves as I am about to have my first dance...with _her_.

Yuigahama isn't there both times.

 _I wouldn't want to see this too, if I were in her shoes._

Nervously, I place my hand in Yukinoshita's. I feel the spark that immediately numbs my body at her warmth. It circulates through me.

I look at her, who also appears flushed and clammy, and not too sure of herself. We begin to move, slow and stiff.

This is not the dance I expected to have with this girl.

"Hikigaya," she looks about. "We shouldn't be-"

"Yukinoshita, about that day, I want to say something about your request".

She knows what I mean, but she lacks the words.

...

I can feel her shiver in my palm. I'd rather not dance now that Yuigahama has most likely vacated, but I don't want to seem rude by breaking it off.

"Could you please refresh my memory?" she asks strenuously.

"We ended things, and you told me about Yuigahama's wish".

I want to say it before I get too complacent again. She's listening. We are dancing into the chorus of a swinging ballad. It sounds pretty enough to cultivate a romantic mood around us.

A quick nod.

"Yes, I'm glad you remember"

 _How foolish of you Yukinoshita. How could I not remember? The scars from that still won't heal._

"My request..."

She stiffens even more, as if it were possible.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I didn't have the chance these last few days...obviously, I've been predisposed". She rotates her head to show off her crowning prom. Indeed.

We are making circles slower than everyone else. Eventually, this song is going to end just like the sunset in the clubroom the last time I choked out a scrap of fidelity.

"It looks good." Yukinoshita blushes as I say it.

"Huh?"

My hand, slightly sweaty and in need of fresh air parts with hers to wave around us.

"This. It's very...you".

Now that I think about it, the whole event is extremely well organized. The turn out alone probably translates to hours of work and corporate level leadership. If I were ever a corporate monkey slave, I would Yukinoshita to be the one asking me to work overtime. Maybe she can entice me with a shared cubicle and we can make some tea. Totsuka will be, in natural order, my loyal secretary.

It is very her. She couldn't care less about her appearance. That's why, though it's commonplace courtesy, I recognized her event over her dress, as astounding as they both are.

"Oh...Hikigaya...thank you. It was alot of hard work. I even thought about calling you once or twice".

"You can't just dump the work on me again. This isn't the festival. I'm much brighter now".

"You're alot of things..."

I don't register this as an insult.

"What do you mean?" I ask, looking for a more fulfilling analysis. _What does Yukinoshita make of this?_

"Well, you're here. You're here at prom. You even chased after me", she notes with a shadow of a smirk.

That all should be obvious...I decide not to push it.

"What did you want to say?" I say, in a hurry to confront her before the song ends. I feel like it would be too awkward trying to chase her down while she's overseeing the aftermath of the prom.

 _"_ I want to ask you if you have spoken to Yuigahama yet, about that request?"

I hoped that this would be the last thing on her mind. But now I know I should've realized she would push it forward.

Haven't I learned anything?

Yukinoshita is a smart girl. Selfless...

That's why I'm dancing with her.

That's why she's asking about Yuigahama's wish.

 _I really would rather be having some tea alone in the clubroom._

With this fair question, without hesitation I see this as an opportunity to say something in counter. As bad as I feel about Yuigahama and what I decided I would (or would not) do, I can't push it under the rug as yet another excuse. I'm the worst at this...

I have a lot to learn. So does she, but at least she can work her way into a position like this. Someone powerful dancing with someone so powerless to her, and to himself. I sense the weight of love pressing into her tiny hand.

"I haven't".

She looks curious. "You haven't? Do you need help?"

"No...I...I don't- I can't fulfill your request". Vicious angst is thrown into my heart like a high-voltage torrent.

What will she say? What will she do?

For a second, I notice her eyes shift and her rhythm slow off count.

"I gave you that request..." She pauses, thinking about how commanding she should be to her excommunicated colleague. "I gave that to you because I 'won' our competition, did I not?"

"Yes. This is my answer", I say non-provocatively.

She grits her teeth. I watch as her jaw tightens with some annoyance. I force our sway, taking the lead and drifting from measure to measure.

We grind like salt to mortar under the frenzied lights and airy jazz of Yukinoshita's design.

"You agreed..."

Then, like a frozen sea, she stops all movement. I try to keep a hold of her hand.

"I trusted you to see this through. Because I, for so long, have known you to be the only person here I can depend on".

She doesn't want to keep moving, even with some song left.

"You said you wanted something genuine..." she looks at me with hurt eyes, like the kind from my worst dreams. She looks betrayed. "And when I tried to help you, you wouldn't change until recently, for us".

This dance is over.

"And you're dancing with me like you want to have something to do with me again. I can't believe this..." she shakes her head gently, despite her firm and direct voice. I can't stay dormant now...I need to wake up- grow up.

"I want..." I croak, doubting myself like never before.

Doubting myself like I'm meant to suffer a cruel fate.

 _Just say it._

"You're not my friend. Not anymore. You're not the Hachiman Hikigaya I fell in l-"

She stops herself out of ear's reach.

"Yukinoshita, I'm trying. I want to be genuine", I fumble. I'm not sure she's listening. She's wrapped up in confusion and dismay, much like myself. We are the shells of victims of broken hearts. Even the song ends with an extra long fermata.

"I don't know anymore. I wanted to know you better but now..."

She looks back to say this with nothing in her eyes. Seeing her like this for the first time scares me. It hurts me to think that she's wiping her mind clear of the memories we had as if I'm just a desktop file. The vacant look doesn't match any vision or memory I have of Yukinoshita, the girl I also wanted to know better. It's almost like Yukinoshita is performing perfectly the greatest tactic I've ever forgotten...

A complete relationship delete.

"Now...you're a liar".

What's worse is that she's right. I failed her. In many ways, I'd failed her long before tonight. And as she walks away, I know that I'll remember this dance with her for a long time. I'll remember the way her hands fit so perfectly into mine and the way our bodies shifted and corresponded with capable serenity. The dancers and prom goers all pack up their things and gather with their friends. Before when I saw their faces, I felt hopeful. But now that I watch them leave, I feel as wounded as I did after my many historical rejections.

I didn't even get the chance to put myself on the line, even as she danced with me.

The last students exit the gym. The prom lights are turning off and are replaced with the bare minimum lighting. The band has packed up and are preparing to leave as well. Every remnant of prom festivities leaves and abandons me to stand alone, with my hate and my fear.

I pick up a piece of paper. I want to discard it, but it feels heavy in my palm when I think about who could've dropped it. I put it in my pocket and become the last person to leave the school building.

* * *

It's raining.

I'm full of inner anger, directed at myself.

If I were any more gloomy, I would be dressed in all back and have eye-liner on as thick as possible.

This sparks some energy that would be scarier if I hadn't already been to hell and back. It brings with it some radical focus, or should I say a lack of.

But anyways...

 _Something's creeping there behind the rows_

 _And it's waiting outside for the someone in you_

 _With the will to forgive_

 _Then it kills to live_

Finally, I find some last, bitter strength inside me, brought on by the duress of the evening. What to do with it? She's already lost...

I hear something faint in the rainy patter.

It sounds like weeping, sad and pure. I pray it's not Totsuka. I walk over from the school entrance and look in the rain for the crying's source.

I see the perimeter of a thin frame sitting uncomfortably against the stair railing. She had distinctive short hair and a pink dress. She is letting flow the emotionful tap under a blanket of rain that reminds me closely of how I feel. I wish I had brought an umbrella...

"Yuigahama?", I question loud enough to hear over the rain.

 _Of course it's raining. It always has to rain._

She looks up with oceanic eyes, big and surprised. She has an unexpected reaction to my visit. Instead of straightening herself out a bit and standing up to offer me her trademarked optimism, she slides her head back into it's place between her knees.

"Are you okay?"

What a dumb question. Should I also ask if she's female as well, just out of worry she may not be?

I can see her shake her head slightly, under her forearm. Her jacket is almost soaked through, as is my suit. I would like to get going but...

With all that unexposed energy- the adrenaline of hateful regret...

What else can I do but...

...

Fulfill Yukinoshita's request at once. And finally put an end to this like she wanted all along.

"Yuigahama...I was wondering something..."

"What", she shrugs off in between gasps and whimpers. It feels rich knowing that I'm the cause of this horrible state she's in. She's supposed to be my friend, which are rarities nowadays...and I've hurt her in an accidental way. Go figure.

What comes around goes around.

"I was hoping you still had a spare ticket to that movie you mentioned".

"Oh...I gave those to Isshiki..."

She burrows again like a shy rabbit, defending itself from the elements.

I realize the predicament and decide it's more than worth resolving, costs to me included.

"If you wanted to...I could pay", I say this uncharacteristically. It's strange to hear myself say it. It's like something you say when you don't know if it's the right answer, so you disguise it as a question.

She looks up and wipes something out of her eye.

"Really..."

"I mean it."

She stands up, shaking off the loose raindrops on her and faces me with more severity on her face than I've seen on anybody before.

"No. I'm serious. Do you mean it or..."

"I do". I could almost laugh. Seeing her so constituted and grounded is just that off-putting.

"You're being genuine?"

 _Not even a little bit._

 _But..._

"Yes. We should go now and get out of the rain". I open my hand to help her up. She accepts it sweetly.

 _She'll never know._

We walk off together, awkwardly close. The gate of Sobu High School becoming a landmark of final rest for my dreams and my wish. I watch it closely as we walk farther away. The rain and the mist in the haunting evening air cloud our vision, which seems to be already faulty. The awkwardness pursues us around every corner and down every sidewalk we take. I don't want to talk to Yuigahama; I already feel removed from this reality. No need to complicate it with mindless talk.

"We'll take my car. It's in a parking lot somewhere around here...", she says divinely but quietly, with syllables of old cheer returning to her.

I don't question that she has a car to drive. It's probably her parents' car, or her family car. They might have loaned it to her to get to and from prom. At least I know she's a better driver than me. Then again, nothing beats a good bike...

She and I manage to find the car. It's a compact two-seater and it looks like the kind of thing you'd expect Yuigahama to drive.

"Ready?", she asks, brimming with an excited, larger-than-life smile. No longer are their tear streaks or make-up blemishes. At least I can do this much for her.

 _I've restored at least one person's trust._

I get in to the passenger side as she starts the small carriage with a barely audible hum.

She puts on some radio to fill in the missing sentences in our lack of conversation. Maybe we'll be the kind of couple that rarely speaks to one another.

I feel the light page in my pocket. It's not soaked through, thankfully. It makes me consider...that in Yuigahama's car I'm still more comfortable dancing with Yukino Yukinoshita.

We take off like nightriders, leaving behind a trail of vast uncertainty and nonalignment between each other.

We head towards a destination that I can wholly assume is not genuine.

* * *

 **Note:** Salutations. I hope this chapter is fairly decent and not too rushed. There is more to come, but the schedule of update times can no longer be upheld due to school reasons and other things we've all heard before. I'm still dedicated to this fic, even though I'm less sure about its pacing and beat placement (among other things). Some things of note would be an updated, more accurate summary for the fic and a context patch in chapter 1. The summary is better worded and a fair increment more eye-catching. Although, with the irregular amount of visitors this fic receives, I almost find myself contradicting my last summary and its results. Maybe I should change it back and only keep the continuity changes?

The context slab I added is mentioned in the last A/N but isn't really dissected. It's not a long bit of context and story beef because it is meant to be a personalized, customized, and slightly facsimiled version of Volume 13's Chapter 8. I realized only too late that something like that was required to give any reader a reason to read this fic beyond the angsty adventures of our favorite MC. So basically- a less successful summary and an abridged ending of that last chapter from volume 13.

I'm excited about next chapter and how it will fit into this one. The chapter proceeding the next one will also be very neat to dig into and get started on.

Anyways, I'll shoot to just keep updating at somewhat regular intervals. Thank you for readers, follows, and critics. It's been fun so far!


	12. Chapter 12 - Something Immoral

Some things turn out differently from how you expect them to turn out. That's just a fact of life. There's nothing a person can do to reverse the wheel of time and change the things that might force a better finale. All we can do when the cruel clock hits midnight is wait and see how things play out, all based on the mistakes and oversights from the days before. That's the story of my high school life.

It was never normal. But after everything, I realize that I should be grateful for it's ever reliable SNAFU.

Having gotten almost nowhere till the very end, my present, I don't think I'll ever find something genuine, which is most defeating since high school is always the right time to figure things out. It's a playground of emotions and opportunities to unlock the key to that sweet, temporary immortality.

And not least of all, college life will not allow time for such frivolity.

The only thing genuine in my life will be staring at me from a pile on the desk and labelled "Global Economics: Volume 1".

We hit a bump along the narrow bi-street. My listless gaze at the slowing rain is disrupted. It brings me back to Yuigahama, who is humming obnoxiously to a pop song. She's pretty good with pitch, but she needs better taste in music.

What a bitter situation I'm in.

I should be excited for my first date of many. After all, this is Yuigahama's wish. But I'm not doing anything for Yuigahama.

It's almost like I feel less complete without anyone to save. The few things that people would've said made me special are mostly lost, since I'm not friends with Yukinoshita and I'm not in the Service Club anymore.

No matter. That's history, no matter how recent. I've always been incomplete.

Now I'll just stay that way, dawn or twilight.

"This is such a cool song!" Yuigahama turns up the radio. It blocks out the sound of soft droplets of rain hitting the window. She mimics the bass line like she's having a small seizure. It would be cuter if the music wasn't making my ears bleed...

"Bummmm bum bum badum bum bubububum!"

 _Keep your hands on the wheel, Yuigahama._

"Bam bam bum bum boooom!"

I hold on for dear life, hoping we don't hit someone trying to rescue an airhead's dog. This is how accidents happen, right? Air bass and loud music?

"By the way Hikki, that was really cool!"

She looks at me with an imploding smile.

Hikki...I guess she had my pet name picked out since day one. At least I won't have to worry about coming up with one for her.

 _Gahama?_

 _Gahara?_

 _Yuigi?_

"Oh...they just told me too...so".

"Well it was a shock to see you on a stage like that! You usually do your best to avoid stages".

She seems like she's in a bouncy mood.

"Whatever you say. I was just trying to do my own things".

"You never told me you even played!", she pokes me in the shoulder. It was like a friendly prod, but the energy from it is the kind to be expected from a nervous date. And, I'm pretty sure I'd told her before.

"It's not a big deal. I barely play the guitar at home. I just know a few songs from some old song book".

"You're lucky! I only have my voice...but maybe I can sing with you sometime?" she says wistfully, a total shot in the dark. This whole thing must be like a dream come true to her.

If I were her...I know I would be doing everything I could to keep things working.

"I hope you don't expect me to sing".

"Hikki! I meant that you would play guitar! Baka!", she says and sticks her tongue out at me. How obscene!

"I don't know any songs you would know..."

"It's okay! I can teach them to you", she says reassuringly. Gee, thanks. I'm not even sure I remember how to tune that thing. That will be my excuse if it comes down to it.

She continues bobbing her head to the music, which has been turned down to a less harmful level thankfully.

The street lights turn on and the rain stops officially, letting us admire the thin light trails from street lamps resonating around us and making this arbitrary tunnel of love. We should be getting closer to the most local theater, if the increase in traffic means anything. I half expect to see some people we know there. Maybe Hayama and Miura will be there to take Yuigahama off of my hands. At least they will until the movie starts.

We pull into the expanse of the parking lot, which reminds me of a more compact mall parking lot.

The usual people are going in and coming out, like a constantly fueled machine.

"Are you ready, Yikki?" I ask before getting out of my seat.

...

 _That's definitely not a good pet name, but at least now I know. Maybe she didn't hear it?_

"Yes!", she stands up and grabs her heavy satchel. She and I close our doors and begin to walk into the cinema, passing strangers as strangers.

In the aftermath of the rain, there is a calming, pure smell wafting in the air.

Yuigahama, still in her dress, lacks the make-up she once had on. Tears really have a bad effect on girls' make-up...

Even so, she looks mature and almost womanly. It's an attractive image. She has her strangely colored hair done up in a fashionable way, and everything from her jewelry to her heels match her style. It's creative as it is opulent. I can't help but remember how beautiful Yukinoshita looked...

"You look nice", I remark almost uncontrollably. _If only she were Yukinoshita..._

Yuigahama stops to look at me with a gasp.

"Ah..ha-ha...you really think so?", she says shyly like she's really saying "I worked really hard so that you would think so".

I nod, nothing else to add.

"Aha...ha..." Yuigahama is probably still blushing when we walk up to the building and go inside. I'm forced to be the nice guy and hold both doors open for her, lest I get mean stares from the mother of two and the work friends enjoying some leisure time.

The ticket counter looks at us suspiciously.

 _I promise I did not kidnap this one. She came willingly, honest!_

"Just you two?" he asks. What a frage. I step up and lay down enough cash for two tickets.

I feel a jolt when Yuigahama taps me rapidly.

"Umm...Hikki?" she whispers into my ear with the hand and everything. "What movie did you want to see?"

I want to shrug it off. I was honestly never in the mood to see a movie today. But if I have to choose, it would have to be the one with the spy and that drug ring... _what's it called?_

Anyways, I don't think Yuigahama would be interested in seeing that. So, as a guy, I use the guy tactic that guys use to make sure they cannot be blamed for anything.

"I don't know...you pick."

The employee stares at his phone intently, obviously caring deeply about his clients.

"Let's do that one!", she says. She points to the one with sparkles all over it on the wall. It's a teen romance musical. It's the type where the main couple has a fight halfway through and then they make up with each other after some grandiose number.

It's a sappy wreck. At least, that's what Komachi told me after she went to see it.

And now, I am pushing forward my money after agreeing to see it with Yuigahama.

The doors crashed flamboyantly, letting in an unexpected pair.

Hayama? Miura? What kind of circus is this. Not to say that Hayama can't go out with who he pleases.

Maybe I'm missing something? As guesses go, I would say that Miura is either extremely lucky tonight or has somehow coerced Hayama into this. Hayama doesn't seem like the type to let possible blackmail evidence go undestroyed. He comes from a family of tycoons, right?

Hayama looks around but doesn't seem to notice me or Yuigahama. They head straight for the line at the snack bar, as if having done this before loads of times.

Nary a fox follows, as far as I can tell. Maybe she's somewhere here, waiting in the wing to catch him red handed. I imagine the warranties on her Hachiman and Hayama detectors causing quite the expense. Who am I kidding, Hachiman detectors are probably like free hotel chaff around here.

I assume they want to stay inconspicuous, so I leave the counter with Yuigahama as soon as we're handed the tickets.

We walk past the bustling snack bar without making contact with the strange blonde couple.

"Hey Hikki,-" Yuigahama says hushed, "Did you see-"

"Yeah...that was something".

I'm nonchalant about it but it is pretty alarming. Did you have a change of heart, Hayama? Or actually, when did you have a change of heart?

Maybe my legendary words of wisdom have finally influenced someone other than myself.

"Poor Isshiki. I hope she takes it well when she hears about it".

"Maybe it depends on whether she hears about it or not..."

"Or maybe, Hikki, it depends on who she hears it from!" Yuigahama nudges me playful. I stumble a little in the hall on the way to the theater room.

 _I hope you don't mean me. I've never given a girl news like this...I'll be skinned alive._

"You have terrible balance. I think some yoga and a little bit of calisthenics could go a long way", Yuigahama teases.

"I'm not a ninja, even though I'm as cool as one".

"You must be thinking of a different ninja!", Yuigahama laughs. It's actually a cute laugh. "I'm kidding! You are pretty cool".

I feel my heart freeze up at that. Did she just call me cool? The only time that happens is between 11 pm and 8 am.

"I don't know what you mean".

"Well...you're pretty cool to show up to prom. And the way you played on stage! And then you talked to..."

She thinks, and as she does her face contorts to an out-of-character appearance that is tantamount to what I'd witnessed earlier- the girl crying in the rain.

Before I can blink, she's smiling again and light on her feet. Seasons change quickly in the mind of Yui Yuigahama.

 _I know she wants to ask about it._ _I don't know what I would say._

 _What could I say to such an obvious rebound?_

My mind feels flayed with the reminder of Yukinoshita and everything she said. I could lie to Yuigahama, I know. I am a liar after all. Her hand leaving mine told me everything I need to know about where we stand. That's how I know the seasons change slowly in the mind of Hachiman Hikigaya. _Speaking of seasons,_ _it still winter?_

"Hikki, are you okay?"

"Yeah..."

Yuigahama looks doubtful, and with that concerned look I feel a bit bad. I've helped dry the tears, but am I giving her a reason to smile?

I lightly elbow her on the bicep closest to me. She lets out a small gasp and nearly collapses to the floor from being knocked off balance. Me? Needing pilates?

As she falls towards the wall, I reach out with both arms and catch her like we're locked in a dance dip. She and I even have the right attire. With wide eyes she looks up at me and I'm caught in them for what seems like way too long. I feel my hand cradling her back, smooth and warm. My heart could burst, even as empty and black as I'm told it is.

 _Could Yukinoshita's skin be just as similar to silk? Could her back be just as temperate?_

Yuigahama's eyes are so close to mine that I can't really see the rest of her face or body. I can imagine I'm holding anyone else.

I release her when she's upright and stable. I let out a sigh and clear my throat.

"Hikki...thank you".

"Oh...you're welcome. Sorry if I pushed you too hard".

"It's fine...I guess I'm not used to wearing this kind of thing!"

After that, Yuigahama remains silent all the way to the room and through the movie. Although, her firework face and cheerful grin says it all.

She just had one piece of her wish fulfilled.

As has mine, even if it's not Yukinoshita I saved.

* * *

The movie ends.

It was a trite and boring affair. The main character was way too flat to be interesting, and the who plot is just a rehash of earlier movies. It's so banal that even western teens would find it to be a step in the wrong direction.

To think we saw this when _The Revenant_ is making it's debut this weekend...

In the theater were countless couples. They came in pairs of exactly one happy girl and exactly one disinterested guy playing on his phone. It's as if they were packaged together and sent straight out of the factory. Among them were a few Yuigahama recognized.

As we left, some other movie-goers had movies end at the same time as ours, making a human chute all the way to the foyer. I notice Miura and Hayama leaving at the same time. They are holding hands normally.

They are holding hands?

 _Way to go, Yumiko._

I almost expect Miura to be assassinated at that same moment. Can foxes use sniper rifles?

The scene gives me the encapsulation of what a proper, complete date should look like. No strings attached, no plethora of emotional misunderstandings. Just two people holding hands while time flies by.

Yuigahama and I make it to the disorderly lobby. People carry buckets of popcorn and 32 ounce drinks to their movies, moms just carry their noisy kids. I carry Yuigahama's satchel like its treasure while she's in the bathroom. The bathroom area has by far the most traffic of anywhere here. I feel threatened every time a guy throws open the abused bathroom door and dashes out. And then shortly after that come the women in six packs.

Every time another pack comes out of the women's wing I silently pray Yuigahama is among them.

In the interim, I spend my time people watching. It's still a circus. Even though it's not that late, people bound around like a breeding farm. Weekends, huh. Of the circus, one clown stands out like a gay polity member.

Komachi?

And...

 _Where's my dagger?_

Just then, Komachi and Taishi approach the doors at the front to say their goodbyes.

 _You'd better not, you little bastard. My sister hates kisses! So don't do it!_

I can't see them pretty well. People that come out of the bathroom always pass in front of the bench I'm sitting at.

I see Taishi leaning in! And...

A woman the size of Hokkaido wobbles along like melting ice cream.

When she's out of the way, Komachi and Taishi are walking away from each other. Why didn't she tell me she was going to a movie with _him_? I would've stopped it from happening. I would've used any and all means necessary to prevent such a horrible activity. To think my sister, my flesh and blood, would betray me like this?

Maybe I should be happy that she's grown up a bit. It's like she's trying to tell me that it's possible that she knows some things I don't. _Good for her?_

Good for Miura.

Good for Yuigahama.

Good for everyone! Except the people going to see _Entourage_. I hope they have shrinks on speed dial.

"Hey Hikki! I'm ready to go!"

With that, we make our way out the door.

"Hey Hikki?" Yuigahama says while looking at me like a scared child.

"Yeah?"

"Did you have fun?"

Of course, I didn't have a bad time. It was a bad movie, but seeing it with Yuigahama made it...bearable. However, I don't imagine Yuigahama accepting this answer.

I nod, making she sees it.

"Hikki..."

We stop just at the curb. Car lights reflect off of shallow water puddles. Starlight too, flakes down from the heavens in a cascade. Even with all of the people going to and fro, it's a serene environment.

"...was this a date or..." she looks undecided like usual.

It takes me by surprise though.

"No. Was this a date?" she says, looking at me with sudden accusation. The way she's speaking has a two-sided sound. It's cute and threatening at the same time.

Was this a date? I wouldn't know since I've never been on a date before. We saw a movie...but have we forgotten something? I can't do this wrong. Not after failing her repeatedly.

I vowed to make something of Yukinoshita's request in the afterlife...even if the idea of an honest play no longer disgusts me. Honesty?

Honestly...I'm tired and a bit hungry.

Yuigahama looks comfortable while I think. Something stupid comes to me. A thought? No, a question.

What would I be doing if Yukinoshita were in Yuigahama's place?

I approach Yuigahama, a girl with two hands locked in front of her carefully and still waiting for my answer. I conjecture...

She looks up with widening eyes.

My footsteps on the curb cement echo, my shoes scraping the ground. I reach out and take one of her hands in mine. It's ice cold.

I stand adjacent to her, facing the massive parking lot, holding her hand. It's my first time, but there's not as much too it as I'd imagined. It's just like my dance with Yukinoshita. Only now...

Now...

I feel more afraid. More...discouraged.

...

Yuigahama is speechless.

"Hi..Hikki..." she sighs like someone would at the end of a long and difficult week.

"Now. Now it's a date".

 _There Yukinoshita, it's official...it's done. I've more work to do, but the hurdle is behind me._

But the hand in mine feels real. The way it quivers with adrenaline and the way it feels like fresh rose pedals. It's not something to sneer at.

We walk to her car after that, unsure of what's to come.

Her hand stays with me until we separate.

* * *

Instead of blaring music, Yuigahama goes into a lengthy diatribe about the movie. She talks on without much care for my input. Clearly my play had another effect on her and now she's just rambling to spend some of that energy. It's like she's powered directly but something giving her several kilowatts to many.

 _Be careful Yuigahama. You might overload the prefecture power grid and become a superhero._

That would be pretty cool though. She could fly off and shoot sparks out of her hands. Her catchphrase will be..."Pretty shocking, huh?"

 _Yikes...Hachiman, you really need to think things through more often._ Yuigahama is practically bouncing in the driver's seat. I don't know how much this little car can take.

If just a bit of hand holding causes such a...sparking reaction in her, then what would happen after a kiss? I can't even fathom it. All I know is that I won't be finding out soon. The safety of the earth lies in my hands...

Yuigahama is driving normally, but her voice sounds reckless.

"What do you want to do now? We can go to the pier and watch the sea! Or we can try that new Italian place that just opened up?" she addresses me like she's a stream of bubbly cool-aide.

"I kind of expected to just go home...", I say.

Yuigahama looks like I'd just killed her buzz. I've seen that face on a lot of people before. Am I that bad at conversation? Do I need to make a graveyard for all of the future conversations I'll have to bury? No...I can just have Zaimokuza do it for free labor. I'll be the executioner.

"Oh...but there's so much to do on the weekend! There are so many parks we could go to!"

 _I'm sorry that parks at night don't excite me the way they do for you._

"Won't it be pretty busy anywhere popular or interesting? Besides, we just saw a movie", I say, trying to reason with her.

"Hikki! We only saw one movie! And the night is still young...", Yuigahama concludes. I can't win when she's this energetic. I feel her hand grasp my forearm in a gentle way. It's the fever dreams of my much younger self.

I sigh like an elderly man being told that he can't read the paper and watch Matlock all day.

"Fine...we can do whatever you want to do?"

"Are you sure?"

I don't know, you were the one spitting out all of these ideas!

"Yes, as long as it's not the mall", I say. I feel like I've been to the mall more than usual recently.

"What's wrong with the mall?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure it closes soon anyways", I reflect. It's close to 10 now, which is when the mall closes. I'd follow her as she window shops for ten minutes before we'd be shoved out.

I shudder having to tell her why we can't go into the Victoria's Treasure.

She appears to think momentarily. Then, as if on a whim she changes direction. She switches lanes like she's avoiding the phantom bus. Suddenly, I'm lost to her focused steering. I just hope she knows what she's doing. I want to be in bed before 12...

"Where are we going?" I ask as she speeds up and crosses a bridge. In the distance, I see harbor lights and freighter operations underway. Is she taking me to be deported? I don't even have my luggage...

Something tells me that's not the case.

She blushes. "It's a surprise...", she slows down to allow me a swift view of something I recognize.

She's being unnervingly quiet and shady. This kind of surprise is more unwanted than the usual old surprise. It's that late night surprise that you can't see coming. And I literally don't see it coming because it's so late.

It is late. I loosen my tie from it's professional vice and undo a bit of my outfit by stripping out of my coat. Yuigahama pretends not to notice.

By now, the music has been turned off. It would be sweet relief if my nerves weren't so on end about our mystery journey.

Over into the wild black yonder I can make out a large circular shape with support beams jutting from the inner ring to the outer ring like tire spokes. At a closer glance I'm granted with once we slow down to park, I realize that this is the same ferris wheel we rode on together not long ago. Memories of that day come back with harmful nostalgia like a double edged sword. There, I had received more information than I could do with.

Such trifles eluded me then and still elude me. I can remember making a big deal over what and what isn't genuine.

Looking back on that part, the only feeling I remember is the want I had for Yukinoshita to be at ease with following her own pursuits. I wish I would've taken my own advice. But, the days since couldn't have been less helpful. Now that I realize my mistakes, I can't take them back, not even if I were granted more time by god.

"Surprise!" Yuigahama stretches out to the sky ecstatically.

"It's not that much of a surprise, actually". It really isn't. She wanted to practically live on this huge thing.

In the dark, it looks so much bigger. More vague.

Yuigahama locks her doors when I step out to admire the monstrous ride. She bounds about from one part of the ground to another while waiting for me to stumble over to where she is.

"Wait. Don't we need someone to activate it for us?" I say, taking in the complete lack of people. It's sublime but eerie silence at the same time. The grounds are deserted. We're alone.

"Well, we didn't need someone last time we rode this, right? Don't you remember?"

I might've been distracted...

We move to it quickly, not having to play pinball with other humans for the first time tonight.

"I hope it will work for us, even if it's so late", Yuigahama says, maintaining her somewhat flushed demeanor. I can't say I say the same.

Something about this feels off.

"There shouldn't really be an issue", I conclude, handing her the keys so to say.

I let her input the cash since I paid for the movie tickets. There's no way I'm paying for this entire...date. And I was lucky to get out of buying a prom ticket.

"Let's go!", Yuigahama says.

The ferris wheel lights up in a blinding arc.

It begins to lurch with abrupt power, prepared to take on a new couple. We climb on it like a jungle gym and buckle in carefully in the rocking carriage. Yuigahama is careful with her dress. She sits with me a bit too close for comfort on one side of the cart.

Her saccharine perfume hits me like waves on a beach. It carries me to a loftier state of mind. It smells like expensive stuff...

It breaks my heart thinking about her spending a months worth of allowance or savings on her perfume, her earrings...or anything else.

 _All the make-up just to be washed away with a river of tears._

 _Drops of unfallen rain._

 _No rainbows._

 _Yuigahama, did you really spend this much on yourself just to..._

The whole machine moves with robotic impel. We lurch forward uncontrollably. I shouldn't be surprised: she grasps my bicep with her slender arms. They too smell like flowery incense. Together they say; _Don't go...I finally have you. I'm not letting go. I've already slipped enough._ With that message, we are elevated well above our blacked out community, save for some traffic lights and street lamps.

The air gets a fair bit colder the higher we're transported. I wish I had kept my coat on. Yuigahama snuggles close after the first rotation, seemingly unaware of my discomfort, even if as it provides me with healthy body heat.

The wheel goes around again, and again. It's slow speed is like a lullaby, in marriage with the soothing air currents that stay with us no matter the altitude. Our cart sways like a cherry blossom tree branch. I feel the urge to say something, even though Yuigahama acts content with our laconic understanding. I'm glad for this, but I need something to keep my mind off of her touch, her perfume- her unrequited affection.

"This is a nice night huh, Yuigahama?" I say, sounding like a dope when I don't mean to be.

My voice piques her, and she sits up.

"It is. It would be nicer if we had a blanket or something..." She shivers on cue. I wouldn't mind a blanket either...

"I don't think we need one if the ride only lasts so long".

"Yeah...you're right. It doesn't last long".

Things get quiet. Yuigahama lets her hand tangle with mine, halfway inside my pocket, like it'll disappear when the ride slows to a halt and she has to take me home.

"Hikki? Do you think this is right?..."

"What do you mean?" I want to be honest with her all at once, just to undermine everything I've done and reset the status quo.

 _Ridiculous..._

 _I'm like a cockroach when it comes to circumstances such as these...that's why I let Miss Hiratsuka coax me into the Service Club in the beginning._

She stays silent and afraid, reading our little prison on the ferris wheel like she reads rooms.

I sigh. "This is right".

"This is...but, somehow, after everything you said I don't think this is actually...genuine".

She sighs to match mine. Very romantic...our first date and we have this talk. Most couples don't have this talk until after their 50th date. Or...until one or the other finds proof of infidelity.

Either way, I have to submit to either Yuigahama or my emotional limbo.

"So I guess my question should be...is this what you want?"

This question makes me go cold. It's such a horrible, assertive question. It's like a trap where I'm damned if I say yes and damned if I say no. I don't have time to think about it. All I can think about is what I can do to avoid it.

I've already hesitated enough.

This kind of indecisive suffering is like ridicule straight from the rom-com gods.

"It feels like it's slowing down a bit..." she says, acting defeated but not lost of cause. The ferris wheel sends metallic grinds into space with its final breath.

The cart doors open to allow me to escape. I get up before Yuigahama so as to clear the hulking wheel and literally dodge the question.

"Hey!" she calls after me.

I feel her question sinking into me again. I turn around to see Yuigahama with a practical, steely face that would make Yukinoshita proud. The antics of the old, bubbly Yuigahama are over and seem to be being replaced with the tests of a Yuigahama brimming with conviction.

It demands my attention.

"You didn't answer me...Hikki. I want to know".

This time, there's no escape. Unless life is just one big ferris wheel where the only exit off is death, there is no way to flake this kind of inquisition.

Without thinking, I move towards her.

Little by little, my shaky legs, altered by the motion of the air cab, take me to her without anything planned.

The quietness of our surroundings make it harder to leave this question unanswered.

"I...I think that...Yuigahama, I..."

Yuigahama stands strong. I almost feel insecure about her influence on me. The way she persists with that question from her own heart annihilates the answer that will surely end things with not just Yukinoshita, but with this girl as well.

Instead of succumbing to Yuigahama, I instead make up something casual and non-concerning.

"I don't know how I feel about this, or about you...although, I'm not saying I didn't like this."

I add-lib that last part to match how I see it performed in movies.

"You don't know..." she whispers. She takes a step forward.

She smiles a bit. She knows that she has still won here, and that I'm still her prize. Her smile is like the kind of smile adults try on in order to assure themselves about something indefinite. But thankfully, she doesn't hate my answer.

"I guess that makes sense. You're not the type of guy to throw himself into a situation with full colors."

You're right about that...

"But," she continues "that doesn't mean you are sure that this isn't genuine".

 _You're lack of peripheral, macro thought scares me sometimes._

I think she's doing well to make this into a situation she can control, a situation that will turn me into a very resentful husband. And after years of stressful request abiding, I'll be a workaholic father just like my parents.

"Hikki. What would you allow?" Yuigahama snaps me out of my terrifying reverie. I thought reveries were supposed to be altogether good?

"What do you mean?"

Yuigahama puts her hands over mine and closes in on me with scary fluidity. She presses into me like a hammer to an anvil. Her aroma besieges my senses, and my thoughts become strained on Yuigahama and her neighboring proximity.

She repeats herself.

"What would you allow? Since we are dating". _You asked me out. So, what are you going to do about it?_

Her expression is confident and compelling. But I feel invaded. She sucks me in after a grip of her hands around mine, tightening like a python around her own private firework collection. I sense something weird. An emotion I have absolutely no experience in dealing with overrides my higher thinking. I feel excited and weightless. Tingles erupt from my heart to my head. I close my eyes with barely a moment to spare.

Something softer than the silk of Yukinoshita's hands, gentler than her voice in the club room, and warmer than the tea from my personalized cup meets my lips.

I dare not open up my eyes. It's dreamlike and airless.

It's satin in a seaside resort. Clouds overcasting a moonlit sky. Is this a kiss?

I don't feel like myself when I accept her mouth, graciously holding fast.

I don't feel like I am who I say I am when our lips touch again, that addictive flush of pheromones coursing rabidly through us.

I feel normal as I keep my eyes shut, just imagining the girl I am kissing is not...

I imagine deeply, like the well of something I don't deserve to feel is acting on impulse. That something sinister is sickeningly enslaving.

These lips, full and lovely...aren't Yukinoshita's...

But... _they are until I open my eyes..._

Until I open them up to find my failure staring back at me with a loving smile.

Instantly, she moves in again for a third kiss. It's harsh and forceful, like her hands on my arm and side. It's just a kinetic transfer from her sorry soul to my heart, empty and full of room for more. Instead of allowing me a chance to breathe, she pushes in deeper.

Surveilled by the stars, they aid little as she takes my hand and puts it somewhere behind her back.

It's shockingly cold. My hand jolts when it makes contact with this part of her.

The numbness of my mind combines with my lack of foresight and I'm helpless as she kisses me again- her head leaning in with full effort. It's like she's kissing me until I finally feel what she's always felt. She's forcing me to accept her cookies all over again.

"Yuigahama-" I finally gasp. I repulse back for some respite.

"Call me Yui, please", she says, starstruck and stark pale. This is so unlike her...this is unlike me. She's kissed away our differences until all that's left is hollow passion. But the thrill I got from the first contact is gone.

If I were kissing Yuigahama- just once- I don't think I would be this nervous. But I'm not...

I'm kissing Yui, someone I've just met. I'm sure it's shocking her too.

She recaptures my hand and holds it to the warmth of her upper chest, by her elegant necklace. Her rich perfume is more intoxicating than exhilarating.

A fifth kiss, more callous and hard than the last.

 _She's doing this for me..._

 _Because I can't be genuine, even now._

 _But I said...I said that I don't know..._

She squeezed some part of me. I feel locked behind some invisible wall.

Is she...really trying to make me know?

"Yuigahama!"

Her eyes flash open at me. Intermittent heartbreak.

"I-um...mean Yui. What are you do-"

She raises a hand to nearly touch my neck. I can tell she was going to, but thought against it. There's proof that the Yuigahama I know is still present.

"-I'm a selfish girl, remember?"

She kisses me for the last time.

I can't stand it. I hate it. The coward in me had once again prevailed. It's as if I can't speak for myself as I'd once been able to do without any struggle.

I can't tell Yukinoshita that I...that I love her.

I can't tell Yuigahama that I don't love her.

That's why this has to end. It's wrong. Even if Yukinoshita is gone, it's still wrong. Even if this is her final request, her staying with me in spirit, I can't do it. It's the overwritten, falsification of my emotions. I won't allow myself to settle for this.

I won't settle for something that feels so awful- so immoral.

If Yukinoshita has taught me anything...

It's that I need to stop hurting myself for others.

 _And the people who care about me._

It's about time I realize the purpose of her request. It wasn't to conquest Yuigahama's wish. It was to fulfill my own. This whole time, I'd been acting like this request was about Yuigahama or Yukinoshita. I think it was about me.

Maybe I had a few steps mixed up...

But now I see. She was killing two birds with one stone. Yuigahama may be satisfied while in the process I recognize something important- important enough to bring me back to her...

 _I wonder if it's too late. She won't want to see me. She won't. If I strike out for Yukinoshita, I'll lose Yuigahama._

I don't know what to do. But I know it's not this.

"I have to get back. I have some homework to take care of before Monday". I turn away, diffusing the sauna-like tension.

"But, I thought that we could come back with me". Good luck with that. "My mom's probably in bed", Yuigahama says, making an effortless Isshiki impression. She even has the foxy expression, rife with excitement like a cat in heat. I'd probably pass out if I weren't battle hardened to resist such a poorly disguised artifice. Although, some would argue that there's nothing wrong with a girl and a boy sharing the same bed.

"I don't think that would be okay with Komachi...", I say. Thank you Komachi, you always make the best excuse fodder.

"You can't just call her and make sure?"

"I don't know if she's still available, she could be in bed".

Yuigahama looks truly peeved. I'd just flipped the switch off. I think I should be better at letting antsy girls down if this kind of thing is going to be a regular occurrence.

She looks like she's about to scream. I can sense the primal indignance rising up in her like molten magma in a volcano. Her face goes from bewitching and enticing to thoughtful and brooding.

A small nod. "Okay."

* * *

The trip back to my domicile was the most awkward experience I've ever had the misfortune of suffering through. I tried to make a few off hand comments to lighten the mood, but for the first time that I've noticed, Yuigahama has shut down. She looks understandably crushed, for lack of a better word. Maybe dissatisfied? Either way, she's not her usual self.

The car barely peeks its way into the driveway.

"Thanks for the ride", I nod and get out.

"Thanks for the date", she smiles, eyes like fireworks. And then gone, like misty starlight.

She doesn't make any remarks, comments, or jests before I get out, only reminding me of all the missed opportunities I could've taken. I guess this is the end for us. What an ephemeral trist.

I walk away from Yuigahama and her compact car. I breathe in the normal, unaltered air without having to worry about accidentally taking in a whole perfume store.

I walk through the living room and into the dining room, too tired to answer Komachi's question about prom.

I toss the piece of paper from my humid pocket haphazardly onto the table. It lands in the center, close to the window. I'll take a look at it tomorrow...

The climb upstairs is haunting. I let thoughts from the events of today pass through like wind through a window. My window has its curtains open. I close them, being the angsty recluse I am. Once I'm sure that everything is in order, I leave my suit pieces on the floor and climb in bed.

For once, I feel too expended to give a long speech about something I feel is out of place or some other commentary about the way things are. That's what happens when you get older. Things start to speed up and eventually you forget to simply process information. Your ambitions and dreams are carried away on the wings of time before you even get a choice.

That's why I feel lucky to not have any ambitions or dreams.

I pity the people who do. These people live their lives conquering one goal after another until they die in the dirt, to be recycled like humans are. We're like vile insects and bacteria to the earth. It does well to knock us down to size, but the real kicker will come eventually.

The trees at my special spot will still be alive long after I'm gone. At least, I hope so. I might not have my facts right.

I wonder what I will do with the time I have.

I fall asleep thinking about Yukinoshita and those trees. Anything I decide to act on will have to wait till tomorrow.

* * *

 **Note:** Sorry for the length of this chapter. A lot of stuff goes down and the story goes on...I really don't have much to say. I hope to keep things interesting and relevant in future chapters. As always, I love to get feedback and critiques so that I might deliver. Thanks to all readers! Until next time, check out other fics that are much better than this one.


	13. Chapter 13 - Someone Like You

It's early in the morning. The student council meeting room had been converted into a war assembly chamber, full of charts and papers that outline the areas dedicated to the prom space. The previous night saw the election of student delegates put in charge of certain aspects like food and ticket management. They were told to dance to the tune of Yukino Yukinoshita and Iroha Isshiki respectively. Some things had been overseen and decided before the day of the prom, but some things were yet to be put in place.

This is Yukino's job today.

She looks at the list on her radiant tablet as she chokes down cereal. There's some light rain soaking her windows, making a spring time ambiance in the living room of her bachelorette pad.

She's keeping close her cup of coffee, decorated in Pan-San decals and staying warm between her pallid, cold hands. Around her is a simple silk robe and a small, light blanket on her back. To a visitor, she would resemble a turtle in its safest habitat.

The alarm on her phone chimes redundantly, making sure that its owner is awake, even though she already is. It's only 6:00.

Being the uppity, easily stressed work horse Yukino is, there is no such thing as too early to begin a day long project. Actually, it would be safer to call it a week long project. The banners had to be hung yesterday evening, and the flyers had to be distributed since Monday.

The amount of socializing that is required to pull something of this status is exhausting to Yukino, who would typically like to stay reserved.

Yet, this challenge is something she always has appreciated, especially now that she can do it on her own.

And being Yukino, she has her own way of handling things.

For starters, she's up front with the student council about the needs and goals for prom. Since the beginning, Yukino has managed to keep her word count to a minimum of a few thousand, which is an impressive feat when you are the figure head of the biggest private event in the district. This was accomplished by outlining everything in the first half hour of meeting time.

Such an extravagant event requires a big team.

Isshiki is being the social butterfly she was meant to be. She outfoxed the whole of the tennis team into providing some prefect protection and sentry. And thanks to her, Yukino has not had to speak directly to the student council almost all week.

Yui is helping with the props and decoration to be set up in the courtyard, where they had decided the prom would be held. Not only that, but she helped Yukino pick out her dress by finding Yukino all of the options she _didn't_ want. Yui even volunteered to sing with the indie band they had booked since Wednesday, but Yukino decided just one singer would be enough.

Haruno, unfortunately, also has a part to play. Because of her, state of the art lighting was purchased for the courtyard. Yukino had a kink in her neck for an hour after Haruno endowed her with the gift of light.

Even Tamanawa, from Kaihin Sougou High School brought his restless hands and his enthusiastic posse to a meeting one night, to "offer suggestions".

Yukino, already tired from that day dismissed his idea for "implementing a cultural facilitation apparatus to promote safe relationships in concordant student bodies", or whatever that's supposed to mean.

Even with all of this help, it feels to her like she could use the helping hands of someone she knew.

Yukino's phone barely distracts her focused gaze away from her tablet. The buzzing on the couch is enough to vibrate her awake.

Since Yukino doesn't set ring tones to contacts like some people do, she has to manually check who it is. _Iroha_ _Isshiki ._

She uses the last few seconds of buzzing to let out a swift, kitten-like yawn.

"Hello, Isshiki". Too bad the yawns keep coming.

 _What is she doing up this early?,_ Yukino thinks.

"Hello... _yaaawwwwnnn!"._ Iroha is not impervious to the effects of an early rise. "Look what you made me do, Yukino..."

"I hope you aren't calling me this early on a Saturday because you want to accuse me of making you tired". Yukino scratches the back of her neck and leaves her hand there to let it fawn in the rainy shadow from the window.

"I hope you don't expect me to believe that you were just asleep", says Iroha with an ounce of attitude. "...I want to talk to you about something else".

 _She's not a morning person, huh._

"Just give me a second please". Yukino rises from the couch. The drizzling rain has stopped. Yukino crosses the polished wood floor in cat socks to open the window a crack to allow some high rise air in, in hopes it will wake her up more. "Sure... _yyyaaawwwnn_."

 _...I doubt she's gotten out of bed._

Yukino places the empty cup into the sink to mingle with the other unwashed dishes. It's unusually messy in the kitchen sink, with coffee cups aplenty soaking in ramen bowls and brine.

"I'm here", Yukino says, hoping Iroha hasn't passed out over the phone.

"Good. Okay, so you know Yumiko? She's in your class, right?" Iroha asks, more awake. Yukino thinks about the fire queen and the many ugly bouts they'd been involved in since they crossed paths.

 _Isshiki shouldn't have to be aware of that bad blood. She has already had to worry about so much._

"I know her", Yukino says through ferocious teeth and a tight jaw. "Yes...Miura Yumiko. I know her". _This better not be about that stupid cover band she wanted to play..._

"I just wanted to let you know that it feels like she's been putting off a large portion of her assigned job", Iroha says worriedly. To Yukino, this isn't a big shock.

"Remind me again what her job is?", Yukino puts a warm hand to her hot temple. The phone tucked in the pocket between her neck and her shoulder, she goes into her closet to find something to wear.

"She was supposed to make an official event network on the Facebook page on Tuesday, and she was rumored to have been in charge of going around to local business, but I don't think that's official".

"You mean you don't know about that second thing?"

Yukino picks out a pair of leather boots and a thin jacket.

"I know what she was supposed to do".

"So she hasn't made the event..."

Yukino throws on a shirt and then the jacket. She finds a pair of clean denim jeans in the dresser.

 _I'm running out of people to help with this... I can probably find some time to talk to Yumiko about this today, even if it's a bit too late to make an event._

"She said that she has just been busy...in a rude way, too!"

This is also not a shock.

"But...maybe I shouldn't have called her before I called you", Iroha says. _How long have you been calling people? How expensive is your phone bill this month?_

"Whatever her excuse is, I can handle it". _It'll be like training a dog._

"I know, I just wanted to let you know!"

"I appreciate it, president", Yukino says gratefully. She is awake, showered, and dressed, and it's not even an hour till operations begin. Yukino falls back into her queen sized mattress, letting her limbs go limp.

"Also...there's one more thing I think I should talk to you about", says Iroha with well kept excitement.

"What is it?"

"You know, I happen to be in cahoots with a certain introvert who, coincidentally, doesn't have any plans today".

At the mention of Hachiman Hikigaya, Yukino closes up. She feels that enchanting sensation rising up in her, from stomach to throat. That still-framed fondness.

Even though Yukino knows she's alone, she tries not to blush, letting her poker face rest secured.

"I have know clue who you're talking about".

"I think you do..."

"Isshiki, I hope you know that I won't allow homeless people to participate in our engagements today". Yukino pounces up from the cradle of her double sized bed. She gives herself a close examination in the bathroom mirror for a second time.

"Well, think of him as a last ditch supplement. You know, extra help, just in case there's too much for you to do".

 _I don't need his help._

 _I don't need a savior._

"Thanks. I'll keep that in mind", Yukino says politely. "I better get going, thank you for the message". She moves back to the couch and her tablet. She carefully picks it up to add in another order of business: _Talk to Yumiko about the event post._ And another. _Get more help._

Yukino sighs and rethinks that last bullet point.

 _Get more he_

Fingers warped and tight on the screen.

 _Get m_

Like thin icicles, they type in new words.

 _Tell Yumiko to go to hell._

 _Much better now,_ Yukino nods, realizing the power of digital valor.

Iroha ends the call with a quick goodbye and the assurance that she'll meet Yukino in the student council board room.

Yukino doesn't bother putting her used cereal bowl in the sink, to avoid a catastrophe. It would be like a less fun version of Tetris.

For the next hour, Yukino watches the weather, a weird game show where adults seem to impersonate Mickey Mouse, and then right back to the weather again. She chooses to ignore her list and her phone and relax before a day of turbulent ardor and impossible expectations.

And unabashed, incorrigible luridness.

Since that day, one lurid expectation has been on Yukino's mind and won't disappear.

In fact, this expectation has almost moved to the forefront of her priorities today, even as hectically confident as she is.

It almost makes her want to make some excuses of her own.

* * *

Iroha and her followers finish the meeting with a gleeful cheer.

"One! Two! Three! GO TEAM!" say the students of the student council in unison.

Yukino, ignoring the bid for a morale boost, stacks her papers with a firm shuffle. For her, it's weird being at school on a Saturday, where everyone she knows in their casual wear.

"Are you ready to get started, Yukino?" asks Iroha, walking over to Yukino who is still preparing to leave. Yukino grabs the rest of her things and her school bag, ready to make sure everything is in order as the day goes on.

"Are you?", Yukino asks in reflection. It should be clear to Iroha that Yukino has been ready for awhile.

The morning is still young.

Haruno is nowhere to be found.

Yukino is in a good mood.

"Eh...I kind of wish I could nominate a secretary or something. Hehe", Iroha wields a weighty portfolio of prom material. There's even a three ring binder stuck in the tower of parchment. It's the grimoire of prom secrets, including stuff written by past prom planners.

"If you need someone to help you, there's always a certain...oh Isshiki, how did you put it?" Yukino retorts.

Iroha, pouting, steps away from Yukino and begins to walk to the door. They're the last two still in the room. "You're lucky I'm so busy with all of this!" she points her chin at her burden.

"Besides, I'm leaving him for you. I can find someone else to help me!" Iroha's face makes big eyes and a cute smile as if to say that she's guaranteed to find a secretary. In fact, with a face like that, she would probably get a whole line of possible candidates.

"Good luck", Yukino says with a small smile, stepping out the door after Iroha.

"Good luck, senpai!"

They split ways at the hallway juncture, letting window light into the now empty room.

Yukino, head high and shoulders broad marches down the hallway with a manifest destiny. She descends the stairs with wave like grace, drawing to her the eyes of her peers- the attention of the masses. She continues to walk like royalty down various hallways where classrooms are eerily silent and dead. Yukino pokes her head out the front door before heading to the gymnasium, where the more crafty stuff is in assembly.

Everything seems fine outside. The team for the main dance space is performing their duties right off the bat. They have some major cleaning to do before even bringing decorations out. Luckily for the outdoor team, most of the decorations are still in the process of being amassed.

The administration of this requires a calm personality that only Yukino Yukinoshita can bring in a bounty.

And all for an event where the adults of tomorrow can dance their fears away.

The gym is dank and stuffy with the amount of working students. They toil on and haul away centerpieces, banners, festive frill, and all manner of ornamentation. Students in the art club paint elaborate murals on banners for the school barbican while others make maps of possible guest routes or take inventory of the ammo.

There are some laborers off on one end Yukino recognizes. One of them in particular, the reason Yukino's first stop is the gym, looks up with flamed nostrils like a dragon's.

Miura looks disturbed at Yukino's arrival. She has a territorial look on her face that makes Yukino feel like a mean babysitter.

Hayato sees this exchange and what it represents.

You can almost hear the voices hush at their polarizing eye contact- like ice water to lava.

Hayato gets up from where he is airing up balloons between Tobe and Miura.

"Hayato! Where are you going?" Miura puts a sheltering hand on Hayato's shoulder. Her brushes her off with a confident look.

"I'll be right back. Go ahead and keep working", he smiles with that devilish charm.

Miura seems okay with this, but that doesn't stop her from straining herself trying to listen in. She's well aware that Hayato has some kind of unspoken history with Yukino.

Hayato meets Yukino halfway, both looking a bit awkward at first. Yukino, unusually flustered at Hayato's sudden advance. And Yukino, being the only girl to make Hayato Hayama feel weakened with just a look. The look that reminds him of his past failures. The look that reminds him of the deafening similarity he shares with Hachiman Hikigaya.

She looks at him like that, quickly going back to her professional level.

"Hello, Yukino-shita", Hayato quickly amends. He chuckles like it was a bad joke.

"Hello. I see you decided to help with decoration assembly". Yukino talks as if she could be doing something else on her list. But she is respectful, as always.

Although, she shows her haste with a biting look at her phone.

She know Hayato will pick up on it.

Any time you want to let someone wealthy or of noble lineage know that their time is unimportant to you, simply check the time. Bonus points for a huffy sigh.

"I have something I want to talk about", Hayato spits out.

This attracts Miura's attention even more.

The severity in Hayato's voice is chilling to even the Ice Queen.

"Can we speak in private?"

Hayato shakes his head. For some reason, he wants to make a statement by being up front with Yukino.

"I don't think that's necessary. This isn't really a big deal..."

"Then I suppose you could say what you need to. But I have a lot to do", Yukino says, putting Hayato in his place as her subordinate and classmate.

Hayato looks about shyly. It's worrisome to see such a prince charming character at such odds.

After a few words, it's clear what gave Hayato such perilous hesitation. This is clearly something more deadly than Hayato is used to.

For once, he's in a position that conflicts him in that penultimate way.

It's the conflict that most people like him rarely get the opportunity to explore. Fortunately for him, this is the perfect opportunity. In a room as noisy and as busy as this, the only ears he has to worry about hearing his words are Yukino's.

The conflict begins with people and their expectations of Hayato.

The conflict is brought to full flammability, because he has chosen to act on his wants and his expectations for once. _Especially now that Hikigaya is out of the picture..._

"I was wondering if you would like to be my date to the prom", Hayato says, without the dashing smile or the confident voice.

...

Yukino, confused and unable to speak, doesn't know what to think of this.

In her mind's eye, this is a ruse. This is a mean-spirited trick engineered by someone like Miura or Yukino's old rivals. After all, this is coming from the guy who failed to protect her from those same old rivals.

It doesn't add up to Yukino, who stares powerlessly into the eyes of boy with something more to offer than what you would expect.

Gone are the tricks of his sort- the pearly whites and enough talent to take home gold in any Olympic event. In place of his faux, mediator-like attitude is the attitude of a loner.

His hands are trembling at his sides, both about to flee to his jean pockets. His eyes can barely meet hers.

The whole image is so raw that she has no choice to believe him. She can't ignore that his offer has a sort of real warmth, real reliability- real authenticity- that Yukino had been delicately groomed to crave by Hachiman Hikigaya. And she had chased him in her own way. Her feelings for him may as well be...

Genuine.

As genuine as Hayato's question.

But Hachiman is gone.

 _Maybe it's time to up the stakes, huh Hikigaya?_ Yukino wonders.

"I...I don't know. Are you serious?" she feels compelled to ask. "I just don't know".

Hayato laughs nervously.

"I know this is unexpected. I just want to...actually, I don't know either", he chuckles lightly. Little by little, his usual ambassadorial technique comes back to him.

"Yes, this is not what I expected..."

Yukino sighs. Suddenly, the weight of coordinating prom has become so much lighter than before.

"So...what do you say?" Hayato looks up, at his most vulnerable. Yukino is just as propelled to reject him and take the train of loneliness as she is propelled to act on her last instinct. The burning realization. The wasted potential in Hayato Hayama is unearthed.

His last question sounds like: how about we give us another shot?

The echoes of Hachiman's vast library of proverbs fill her head and her mind to an excruciating degree.

Hayato steps a bit closer, looking eager but unsure.

The room is so loud that, combined with Hachiman's monotone voice in her head, causes a near painful cacophony for Yukino. His voice is like honey to her, as it has been since that day in the infirmary. But she doesn't need to hear it now.

It's so much and so little all at once. She just has to speak, and the feeling of claustrophobia will decrease. Grudgingly, she nods like a rusty, poorly lubricated valve.

Giving in and taking away.

Yukino says one word, like a gentle breath.

"Okay".

* * *

After the encounter with Hayato, of which Yukino is still contemplative over, things proceeded with great care.

Most of the decorations are made but not in place. The student council has prepared distinctive uniforms for the tennis club now that the courtyard space has been spruced up.

Yukino has a quick check on her list. So far, only a few things remain. It's very early afternoon; just a few minutes after lunch break.

The day had gone by quickly for everyone. But for Yukino, as infirm as she is, the day has already taken its toll.

Bento boxes and sacks of locally purchased food sit unattended on the ground in the lobby, where the majority of team members went for lunch. Yukino is still managing the last few peices of sushi on her platter. A few people come by, delivering news or asking questions, but Yukino stays in the dark for the most part.

The bench is hard and uncompromising. Yukino finishes early and tosses the platter into the bin with a light hand.

After another look at the list, she stands up and stretches like an aging cat.

She can picture three agenda items. First, she would need to make sure that the visiting band has cables for the stage area. Secondly, the lighting system needs installing, probably somewhere on the second floor balcony, above the stairs. And finally, a certain blonde with a fiery personality will have to be chastised. Yukino appreciates the task of scolding an underling who has dropped the symbolic ball.

Yukino marches outside to where most of the action is.

Iroha, in the middle directs her associates while they nod eagerly, like Napoleon's commanders. Iroha sees Yukino trotting from the doors.

"Yukinon!" Iroha waves before bounding over to the practicing business woman.

"Isshiki...is there anything pressing you need to tell me before it's too late", says Yukino, balancing on her thin legs like she's afraid she'll pass out, her stomach full and her energy spent.

"Too late? Not really. I sent Takanawa to go search for the lock box for the ticket booth"

"Anything else?", Yukino speculates.

"No...", Iroha says with less confidence. She wonders what has Yukino so stressed out. Although, with just a look she can make a safe guess, even without the knowledge of Hayato's unexpected proposal. "Do you need help with anything? I have a few minutes!"

A hush scours the courtyard. A black limo pulls up to the school with a tight squeak, taking everybody by surprise. Especially Yukino Yukinoshita.

Mother.

The big kahuna. The Queen of the Yukinoshitas. Crown Empress of the most influential family in the area.

A regular Catherine the Great, if she'd worn ornate kimonos.

Yukino walks around Iroha. "Yukino? Is there anything..." Iroha questions.

Yukino is like a drone as she walks to meet her mother. Her legs suddenly strong and pipe-like, making robotic steps towards the midnight carriage.

Normally, any help would be greatly appreciated, but the current circumstances enthrall Yukino to the twilight zone. She can't bring herself to stop and look back at Iroha, who is kind enough to offer her the help she'd desired.

When it comes to speaking to mother, it's better to simply turn off those human proclivities that remind her of Hachiman's ways. It's better just to get it over with.

Yukino's mother, in a dark, blood red kimono of silk and satin, is let out of her carriage by a dangerous looking man in a sharp tux.

Yukino stands at attention.

"Hello Yukino".

"Hello".

Things seem to go back to normal around them, but between these two, things are the usual pedigree awkward. They bow low with respect and tradition in mind.

"I wanted to stop by and have a quick look around. It seems to be..."

She looks around from wall to wall. A slightly confused look appears on her shrewd face.

Yukino tries to avoid spinning around to follow where her mother is looking.

"It seems to be going alright", Yukino's mother says dryly. She begins to walk forward, no doubt queuing for Yukino to follow her. Yukino's mother begins her inspection. She speaks as she looks intently at decorations going up on the stair railing.

"I bet this is more than you expected it to be. It's certainly good for you...maybe now you see what it means to be mature".

Yukino frowns sullenly, keeping her head down. She can read between the lines here. What her mother really means is: "At last you understand what being independent means".

Ill-tempered, Yukino replies.

"It's something..." she whispers, having been brought from a leader of a large scale operation to an inept daughter of an overbearing tycoon matriarch.

"What was that dear?" Yukino's mother asks, stopping for a second and turning around to head back towards to the entrance.

"Nothing..."

"Nothing who?" Yukino's mother frowns.

"Nothing, ma'am", Yukino lashes out like a wolf with its back to the wall.

"That's more like it", she says, with small, thin lips recreating another smile.

"Anyways, in light of these...subpar arrangements, I think this opportunity has presented a challenging enough opportunity for you".

Yukino grimaces and shifts her weight from one foot to another as she looks around, knowing there is more to do while she continues to waste her time with her mother.

"I agree. This has been a fruitful opportunity".

Yukino's mother laughs in a mature way, with a hand covering her mouth. _There's more to her visit than just a helpful inspection, there has to be._

"I may have embellished my reason for being here a bit". They stop at the main gate, where the car is still parked like just another sign of her dominion.

"What do you mean?" Yukino is almost scared to know.

"I was wondering if perhaps you would consider reconciling with Hayato Hayama".

Yukino feels a pit in her stomach. The words from him to her return, seeking attention. Yukino decides to forego telling her mother about her promise to be Hayato's date to the prom, for her sake and his.

"I know you two got off on the wrong foot, but I think that it would be structurally beneficial to bridge the gap between you two- for your family and his".

 _Structurally beneficial...the words of a tyrant. What happens if this has nothing to do with structure._

"I'll consider it", Yukino says, looking around impatiently.

"Well, I guess that will have to do. I have to get going now...but don't worry, Haruno will be here soon to assist you".

Yukino rolls her eyes mentally.

 _If I need help, then I need help, not a babysitter._

Yukino maintains the subtly summoned smile, fashioned for her mother's benefit. Her mother sits down in the coach and closes the door. Before giving the driver the command to move off the curb, the heavily tinted window lowers.

"About Hayato, he's growing to be good man. He will make a good husband for you when the time comes. So...I heavily recommend you get to know him now". And with that, the car rolls off, leaving behind exhaust and a feeling of terrible doom in the Yukino's chest.

Suddenly, Hayato's request doesn't feel like a random incident anymore. It doesn't seem out of character either, if it means what she thinks it means.

 _A marriage to Hayato Hayama. How dubious._

Fraught with speculation and mortal terror, Yukino walks hunched all the way back to the building, ignoring the others still toiling around her.

* * *

Her troubles grow in size once she's in the safety of the school building. Even fewer students crowd around the lockers and lobby, where finally preparations are in place.

It won't be long until prom begins and students arrive.

So far, the main worry stays at the forefront, while minor nuisances like Haruno feel like a trifling inconvenience.

From the other side of the large room stands Hayato, speaking to the fire queen in what seems like a comforting way. He puts a shy hand on her shoulder, which hunches with effort. Yukino can't see her face, but Hayato looks gloomy- almost downtrodden. He looks towards Yukino for a moment while continuing to offer Miura what sounds to Yukino like some sort of commiserations.

The sight makes Yukino's blood go cold.

 _So, even the fire queen has her turn to fall._

What seems like something out of a dream is probably like a nightmare for Miura. Even so, Yukino can't detect any proof of tears.

Unlike Iroha, Miura seems to take this with dignity. Yukino can see Hayato mouth the words. And Hayato continues to spare Yukino some warning looks. Yukino can't move. Her fate is unraveling before her eyes.

Louder than Hayato, Miura interjects.

"Who cares! I don't want to go to the stupid prom anyways!", she says like a child throwing a tantrum. Although upset, Miura's voice is full of strength and valor.

The scene attracts alot of unintended attention. Most of all; Yukino, who is still standing stiff and in awe. Hayato looks almost warped with embarrassment.

"Yumiko, wait a second!" Hayato yells as Miura juts her chest out and struts away, eyes fixed ahead. She walks towards Yukino.

"Yumiko..." Hayato says, defeated.

Miura stops dead, inches in front of Yukino. Yukino doesn't know what to say. Miura, finally away from Hayato, has infant tears stocked in her eyes. She looks like she'd just seen hell. It's off-putting for Yukino to see such a powerful socialite in such a vulnerable state.

Before Miura continues to rush out, she opens her mouth.

It quivers for a second. Miura's face is full of malice and white hot frustration. She musters the last bit of stability not already used on Hayato.

"I...I see..."

The fire queen makes direct eye contact, her eyes burning like red carnations.

She rushes out like gust of wind, leaving behind Hayato, Yukino, and a few mystified students.

Yukino, pale and cold, feels swallowed with irresolution. She watches as Hayato, her date and soon to be husband, comes toward her in a gesture to try and explain. But Yukino, unlike Miura, can't bear to speak.

Yukino simply shakes her head.

"Yukino...", he says with a safe measure of affection.

 _Sickening._

She turns around and runs up to the only place she knows she will be safe. The only place in the whole building where she won't have to focus on the anxieties of the impending event or her responsibilities as an independent Yukinoshita. The only place where she can make an urn of tea in peace.

The Service Club room is empty. It's in a state of perfect rest. The window is propped partly open, letting in a breeze.

Yukino walks through the room, at her behest, lacking the hope that she had of setting the final stage. Instead, she had discovered her own destiny, and watched it come to actualization.

She slams herself into the seat by the window, ignoring the tea set.

Her eyes closed, Yukino clears her mind.

 _This is too much. I knew I needed help, but I didn't think things would turn out like this._

Faces flash. A torrent of agony.

The prom is just a fantasy- a realm for Yukino to perfect, forge and in turn, to distract her from the real pain. The northern pain.

 _I need a friend. I need that guidance, not as a princess in need of a prince, but as a person in need of someone..._

 _Someone like you..._

Under such duress, like a fine blade being tempered, a clear teardrop finds its way to the palm of her hand. And yet...

The thought of him makes Yukino smile.

 _Please...find yourself somehow, Hikigaya. I know the truth, I've felt this way since..._

Since there came a sunset like that. The window reveals something lovely; the beginnings of what could be a pearl and ruby sunset.

She wills his journey on, keeping her teardrop clutched in her grip and held against her rising and falling chest. This is what he'd done to her.

Like a firework in the middle of the night, Yukino's phone buzzes and rings, breaking her out of her hopeful trance. Yukino doesn't want to answer it, but she takes it in her free hand anyways. Something had to find her.

It's Yui.

"Hello Yui". Yukino greets, happy that her caller is someone she feels affectionately towards rather than...someone else.

"Yukino!" Yui shouts through the phone in extreme distress.

 _Yukino? What's going on?_

"I'm so glad you answered! I thought you would be busy", Yui explains.

"I'm not. What is it? Is something upsetting you?", Yukino says, attempting to calm Yui down.

"Komachi just called me...It's about Hikki!"

Yukino's heart deflates, like a ship slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean. This news- she can tell it's nothing good. Still, she wills Yui to continue, prepared to take any action necessary.

The scene outside becomes nothing but a distant empire. One which, because she's an independent Yukinoshita, will have to be managed completely alone, no matter what Yui's report may be.

Only a handful of hours left until prom begins.

* * *

 **Note:** Sorry for the wait. I hope this chapter brings some interesting information forward, featuring some new characters to this story and what not. God I suck at author's notes. Lots of errors and things, so I apologize for the land mine of mistakes. Hopefully they won't be too distracting until I can get around to editing some more. I just wanted to finally put out a decent chapter. I know I promised a chapter every OTHER day, but now I see how unrealistic a schedule that is. Uni is a bit time consuming.

Anyways, don't be afraid to discuss and leave your thoughts. I appreciate criticisms and compliments alike, as always! Thanks for reading.


	14. Chapter 14 - The Last Dream

In the end, Yukino Yukinoshita did not leave her post. The shock of the news, that Hachiman had been hospitalized, had taken an unexpected effect. Instead of abandoning her teams and her teammates to finish the event to go see him, she dug into the mess of work head first. She ran downstairs, taking weighted steps to shake the tragedy from the top of head. She romped from place to place, the damage well done.

This is not to say that she had no reaction to this. It was like a firm backhand over the phone. Yui had mentioned that she would visit him this afternoon, just to check on his condition. Yui had assured her friend that he would be okay and that she would let her know if anything changed.

This was enough to set her loose.

But in the halls, this backwards procedure, and the lonely feeling Yukino carried like a grey cloud reminded her of impending failure. Out of it all...

Her mother and sister...Hayama Hayato...the success or failure of the prom...

The thought of losing him scares her so much more.

There's enough dark energy in her heart to make stars fall. Yukino understands only one thing has to go wrong. But if she keeps dancing around like this, then maybe she'll survive long enough to make one person happy.

She pauses, after escorting Isshiki from one part of the yard to another, to stare at the romantic afternoon sky. She allows herself this moment to scream inside, wonder what will happen, and turn to scalding anxiety before moving on.

It wouldn't do much good to go catatonic in the middle of the school grounds.

* * *

(Hachiman's POV)

We all have just one live. What we make of it is up to ourselves. If that's the case, then wouldn't it be true that we rely on ourselves to forge in it a sense of purpose and satisfaction. Could it also be okay to say that really, external locus of control aside, we are the only real deciders of our fate. That way, instead of pushing blame on someone else, or being upset over something out of our control, we only have ourselves to blame.

Even going to the mall on a Saturday could lead to a destiny in which I am somehow crowned king of France.

Mom really knows how to get me some exercise. Doesn't she know how dangerous riding a bike is with all of these people out and about?

I pass corner stores and cafes; a few are similar to the one Isshiki, her weird friend, and I visited not too long ago. They don't appear to be very busy. I stop in one quiet, non-provocative cafe for a MAX Coffee to lift my spirits. After all, I'm going to need all of my wits about me if I'm going into the lion's den- the pit of social refuse.

Something about destiny has always challenged me. It's the kind of thing where you feel the need to check your window for some guy in a bunny costume named Frank. To this day, I still don't know what lies before me. At least, I don't know exactly what lies before me.

Will I be promoted to corporal in the JSDF and be shot in the leg the next day on the shooting range?

Will the sun die out before my eyes, all because I didn't finish the cereal Komachi had put before me this morning?

The most likely assumption would be probably the least romanticized.

For example, after my MAX Coffee I'll go to the mall. And after I'm finished shopping for detergent, I'll leave and go back to the house, where I will remain alone- until I don the rental suit mom brought home with her and go to prom. As for the rest...when I see Yukinoshita...I have no clue. But other than that...

That is my destiny.

In a nutshell: loneliness.

And all I have is myself to thank for it.

But on the other hand, if my theory is fit to hold up under reasonable scrutiny, then I must also have the ability to change that.

The MAX Coffee seemed to have had an adverse effect. Instead of lifting my spirits, it made me feel drowsy and depressed.

Depression is just a word people use to siphon sympathy from the hearts of the general population. Attention addicts like to use it to seem troubled and crestfallen when really they had only suffered a minor break-up or something also of a small caliber heart wound. Seriously, I get it, rejection sucks. Or...at least...that's what all my friends tell me...

I only use that word in a descriptive sense. There's no way I'm depressed. Don't say you're a depressed mess until you have been told by a doctor you are. Don't waste anyone else's time. Honestly, if we all claimed to be depressed after a pet passes away or a friend moves to another city, then no one would be depressed. It's the "if everybody's abnormal, then everybody IS normal" paradox.

The wind runs though my hair, helping me to focus on the task at hand. Focus. Focus focus. Focus.

It's not helping.

What is there to focus on anyways? It's not like I'm doing quadratics, or watching some meaningless hipster garbage short film which may or may not have something incredibly mind-blowing to say.

I'm riding my bike to one of the worst places on the planet.

The stores are mainly behind me, and apart from the sidewalk denizens, I'm freely cruising. The mall is straight ahead, after a bit of a downhill glide that takes the shape of a snaked river and ends at the parking lot.

So tired...

The bike does most of the work for me once I clear the ridge- before the road which takes it's small turns through the few shops and houses to the mall.

I want to raise my arms and say "weee". I'm feeling so sleep depraved that I could fall asleep all the way down.

My eyes feel so heavy...

It's funny. I don't remember getting a lot of sleep, but I don't remember NOT getting a lot of sleep either. I can't remember going to bed, but at the same time, I can imagine exactly what happened. Yesterday was Friday, right? I saw Yukinoshita...or more like, I saw Yukinoshita and then I ran away. Yeah, I remember now.

But...why does such a strong and painful memory feel so distant. It's been only one night since, shouldn't I feel more...upended...disarranged?

What ever the case may be, it wouldn't hurt to just close my eyes for a little while, just to reset myself. It wouldn't do to go into the hellscape of busybodies half awake.

Maybe someone drugged my MAX Coffee? Maybe it was a defective clone- from one bad batch out of a million.

I would know. I went to their canning plant for one of my birthdays. It's one of my favorite days. I had fun, despite my parents working that day. And, Komachi being Komachi, walked off down the street to go window shopping before the tour even began. She missed out...

I slowly lower my eyelids, keeping a good grip on my bike handles and remember the trajectory. It's such a simple thing...

Yet so, so stupid.

I don't hear any cars, and I don't remember seeing any cars. But I should've known how things go for people like me. And also, I should've remembered how busy things get at the mall on a Saturday.

The squeak of the brakes hit my ears before I feel the car make contact with me.

My eyes stay closed as I'm taken off of my bike and thrown violently into the air. In fact, I shut them tighter, as if to protect myself from the crushing impact.

The car had hit a part of my leg; but because of the shock value, I cannot ascertain which part. Maybe it's not a necessary part?

I land on the curb ledge, feeling the cement hitting my head like a hammer against an anvil.

I feel a part of the leg that was hit, but I don't feel any blood or bone. The incident caused a ringing deep in my ears. I shake my head slowly, as to throw aside the suppressive shock that makes my skull feel inflated.

I hear the car door close with a sudden thud.

A silhouette in grey and blue comes over to me by the curb.

I shake my ahead again and my vision dials itself in. I'm able to see a concerned looking gentleman in a black suit and dark blue tie. His SUV is pulled over to the side of the road, in a cozy alcove, where it's mostly out of the way of other cars.

Slowly, I pick up some words.

"Are you okay?"

I look around some more. The man is practically unraveling at the seams, his face a frenetic red and pale mix. He looks like a primitivist painting to me.

More clearly, I hear his words of worry.

"Are you okay?!", he says, crouching down to where our faces meet.

"Here, let me call you an ambulance!"

I'm snapped out of my trance after this. An ambulance? I have all of my limbs and what-have-you. It's not big deal, like it was last time. Now I realize. They say that sometimes history repeats itself. I guess this just proves that theory.

 _Not again! At least my leg's not broken._

"It's okay...I-I'm fine", I croak. I put up a calming hand. The curb helps me stand up to meet my assailant. Not like he's completely at fault...

Nothing's broken. The only thing beyond repair here is my bike, which is bent at several important junctures. I must remember to give this bike a proper burial and write a tear-jerking eulogy for my fallen friend. I shed a noble tear.

"Are you sure? Here! It'll just be to make sure you don't have a concussion or anything!", the man says. He pulls out a cell phone.

Before he can dial the simple three digit number, I impose my wishes again.

"I'm sure. I can...walk this off", I say, realizing the fact that I'll have to walk all the way back home. Uphill. With detergent. Honestly, can't I catch a break? It must be an unspoken rule that if someone sees me crossing the road on my bike, they have to do their best to hit me. There would be some validity in that if it weren't for the fact that I was the cause of the last car-to-leg interaction.

The man straightens out his back after being hunched over me like a grazing horse.

"I don't think so..." he says.

By now, I am sure I'm fine. Wait? Two cars?

 _Am I invincible? Only one way to find out. I'll just ask him to hit me again..._

I straighten my back and brush crumbs of gravel off of my knees. "I promise, I'll be fine".

 _Seriously, this isn't any concern of his._

The man is short, with thick glasses and the fresh suit and tie. Next to me, he is barely taller than Komachi. He has the figure of some kind of panda- an overweight panda, with a huge potbelly and thick arms and stumpy legs.

"Well...I just want to make sure you're okay. Hey! I'm on my way home from work for some lunch. I can get my wife to make you whatever you'd like!"

I eyes me, adding a goofy smile. His posture represents something welcoming. He seems legit.

 _Wait? Isn't this stranger danger? How do I know he has a wife?_

I would like to see with Mrs. Panda looks like...but I need to get going if I want to get ready for prom.

"I'm sorry, but I have to get going. Thanks for the offer though", I say, beginning to walk away back up the hill. Bikeless, this will be a sapping trek.

"Oh! Do you have far to go? I can take you there after we get some lunch in you!" This man is persistent. I'd hate to imagine how good he'd be as a car salesman.

I don't care much for anything to eat, but a ride would be helpful. Maybe I can just get a ride...

I feel chubby fingers grab part of my jacket and I am suddenly hoisted towards Mr. Panda's SUV, tethered by a stocky arm. "Come on! Come with me! You won't be sorry!"

I feel assaulted, like the Lithuanians at Pilenai.

The man shoves me lightly into the neighboring seat to the driver's area. Am I a hostage? Will he keep me in his basement and continue to feed me until he's sure I'm unharmed? Mr. Panda either has a strong conscious or I'm in for a bad time.

I can see it now...

 _"There was a young boy named Hachiman Hikigaya who was first hit with a car and then kidnapped right afterwards today. Unfortunately, authorities are too busy looking for old Mrs. Sawako's kitten, Sweetness. Sweetness is an ebony Bombay with hazel eyes. If ANYONE has seen Sweetness, please contact authorities immediately"._

I'll never be found!

The SUV rolls off with me inside. I am fully ready to take the quick way out. Doors aren't that hard to open while on the road, are they?

* * *

"You sure are lucky today! With how hard I hit you, you should be knocked out by now", says Mr. Panda.

We are in a nice neighborhood. I look out my passenger side window to find bigger houses than mine come and go in a blur of beautiful lawns and polished cars.

"We're getting close, um...", the many stutters. "I'm sorry, where are my manners? What is your name?"

He looks apologetically at me from the side, like a heavy set reptile. I didn't know were on a name basis. Is this a normal thing to ask after you hit someone? Adult life is more confusing than I thought.

"Hachiman Hikigaya", I say respectfully, not thinking to ask for his name in return.

"Hikigaya? I don't think I've heard of your family..." he frowns and his eyebrows seem to get thicker when they're knocked together. "Tell me, what do your parents do?"

"They work at some corporate institution. I'm not sure, sorry".

False...I know where my own parents work.

True...I'm not sorry.

"Hmmm. Well, I am a manager at a accounting firm that's pretty popular around here. If you'd like, I would love to meet with your parents. It sounds like they are real go-getters!", the man says, redacting the price of such a visit.

"I don't think they would be interested".

"Oh, but I insist! I do! Seriously! I can give them the full package! I just need to get their phone numbers from you!", Mr. Panda smiles with hope and reassurance. It's the smile that says: "I can help! This is a safe opportunity for you!". But really, it means: "Give me your money!".

"Yeah, maybe..."

"Say, you seem like a smart kid", he says, taking note of my outward maturity and austere facial expression (which is wrong; I don't have a facial expression). "Tell you what, I'll introduce you to my daughter. You two are about the same age".

"Oh...", now my kidnapper is playing match-maker.

He plays with his glasses.

"Yes sir. My daughter is very smart. Just recently, she won a local award for academic prowess. I think she takes after me!", the man gives a jumbled, hearty laugh.

 _I'm sorry sir, but I don't care about your accounting offer or about your daughter winning the purple heart of the education world._

"She sounds like a great person", I say, trying to pay attention.

"But recently, I have come to realize that she doesn't do a lot of socializing outside of school. It would be nice and healthy for her to make some friends. She's just so shy, you see", Mr. Panda explains.

I don't know how much help I can be if it's to do with socializing...

...I'm just here for a ride home.

"Alright! This is us!"

Mr. Panda joyfully pulls into a long, spiraled driveway. It's layered with cobblestone and flanked by well and recently trimmed shrubbery. I wonder if Yukinoshita's family lives near here. These houses and opulent properties sure seem good enough for people of her stature.

Maybe Mr. Panda knows anything about them? I ask as we get out and begin walking to the large, Brazilian oak door.

"Do you know anything about the Yukinoshita family?" I speak cautiously.

He stops just short of the door, as he raises his key to the handle. "Son, they probably own the whole prefecture. I'm not afraid to say this out loud. I think they are a bunch of loose cannons- affluent scroungers. Not like us working men".

He unlocks the hulking door under a stained glass archway, letting us take in a vast range of imported furniture, designer rugs and curtains, a massive hearth, and a grand piano overlooking what appears to be a solid acre of backyard.

If this is the home of your average joe, then I shudder to think about how much the Yukinoshita's have to flaunt.

"Yeah, I was just wondering", I shrug off, waiting for Mr. Panda to let me inside.

"They're backstabbers, too. I've heard that they deal in absolutes. They had my friend's place torn down as a "city safety precaution". After a year, they put up a cheaper place and someone running the numbers charged twice as much for rent. No one even noticed!"

I watched in awe as the man raved, turning pale as his poor lungs failed to find sufficient oxygen.

"They did it all indirectly- that's my point! I know it was them. They're the only people with that kind of influence...", he stopped to catch his breath. "But I'm sorry, come in!"

Finally, we are both inside.

The good news is that I am not in any danger of being seriously kidnapped by a stranger. The bad news is that I could simply get lost in a house this big and never get out.

"Yes sir, take it all in. It's not much, and it's nowhere near as nice as those new ones up the road", he said in all seriousness. I'd hate to hear what he'd say about my house.

"It's very nice", I say enthusiastically.

"Oh, you're too polite! This is nothing", he gives another hearty laugh.

 _If you think I'm polite, you should've met me before you hit me with your car._

"Come this way, the dining table is over here! Honey!", he leads the way and calls for his wife. She replies in a soft voice. "Hello! Have you had a good day?"

"Yes, but I'm starving!", he pats his Panda pot. "Oh! And we have a guest!"

A young woman about the same height as me comes around the corner from the kitchen with an apron on her forearm. She is an older woman, in her middle ages with graying hair and many laugh lines. She looks as extreme frail as her husband is round. They are an interesting pair...

"Hello, ma'am", I hold up a gentle hand.

"Oh! Hello!", the woman generously bows.

"This is Hachiman Hikigaya. We um...we met today after I got off of work". I could tell that he was hoping that his wife wouldn't ask any more questions about this topic. Luckily for him, she seems more preoccupied.

"Splendid meeting you, Mr. Hikigaya", she looks at me like how my grandma used to. It's comforting.

"Likewise".

"Here, come have a seat. I have lunch ready". I obey and awkwardly sit in the strange couple's dining room chair. Some morsels and other food radiate from the stove and the middle of a massive table the color of royal ruby. "So where do you go to school, Mr. Hikigaya?", says Mrs. Panda while taking something steaming off of the stove.

"I go to Sobu High School".

"Oh! That's a good school! You must know our daughter, then!"

 _Fat chance._

"That's right, I almost forgot! Tani! Come downstairs and meet our guest for lunch!", Mr. Panda yells to the floor above.

There's a rumble as clean feet trample the straight staircase leading to the dining room. The pale feet grow into a person shortly, and I'm in denial. I mean, really, what are the odds.

 _Normal?_

 _NORMAL?_

 _With the glasses?_

 _You are Mr. Panda's daughter?_

I gasp. She gasps.

"Awwe! Look at them, it's love at first sight!", the rotund panda man shouts excitedly. "This is Hachiman Hikigaya, he goes to your school".

"I believe we've met before", I say to pass over the empty formalities, keeping my eyes on hers. She looks grateful for this too. Her hands are laced together tightly around her. She wears a respectable shirt and jeans. All in all, she looks...normal.

Lunch is just as awkward as I expected it to be, and then some. Normal certainly didn't help. She just kept giving me assuming looks from across the table.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I had to talk more than she did.

Mrs. Panda bombarded me with questions while Mr. Panda tried to coax something out of his daughter to win her a friend.

Lunch went on like this until there was nothing else on the table. To be fair, it was very tasty, and I had my fair plateful...but...

I'm pretty sure Mr. Panda ate most of it...

* * *

After lunch, Mrs. Panda took to doing some chores. But before that, she voiced an idea to her husband.

 _"Hey, Akimasa, darling, before you take our nice friend home, we should let him get to know Tani a little better..."_

She said it so sweetly, I couldn't refuse. After all, she did feed me even though she wasn't the one who hit me. And that meal sure beat hitting up MacDonald's with Mr. Panda.

Which brings me and my full belly to this point...

I'm in a girl's room.

It should be a come and go thing- like getting your first tattoo. And somehow, I feel like I've been in a girl's room before. But now she's here with me, this normal girl, I feel extremely out of place.

I look around. It's an innocently decorated room, with simple paintings of flowers and animal-life over baby-blue wall paper. One painting is of a very cute bunny. I inspect it closely, with its adorable ears...

It's really cute. I want to trade Kamakura for a bunny. Bunnies and rabbits are great.

 _Who am I, Lenny? Am I going to choke out some farm broad?_

I get closer to the picture.

Normal pounces off of her bed, where she was sitting in wait awkwardly, probably just waiting out the clock like I was.

"Whoa!" I stumble back as Normal jumps in between me and the bunny painting. She has a sudden look of murderous intent. It's the scariest thing ever.

"Don't. Touch. That", she commands.

"Okay...I'm sorry". I back off from this crazed girl with her arms outstretched.

After awhile, her face softens again. She looks down at her painted toenails. They are coal black, an interesting color for her.

"Sorry, that's my favorite one", she says shyly.

"It's fine, I understand. I-"

"What?"

"I like rabbits too".

Normal laughs with sudden vigor. She puts her hands over her mouth because she's smiling so much. She just shakes her head and moves to her window.

 _What's so funny about a guy liking bunnies?_

"I wonder...", normal says with trepidation, still gazing at the ferns in her backyard. She opens up the sill to let the spring draft in.

"Hey, you seem like a good guy, you know?", she says, confusing me even more.

"Oh...thanks".

"See, you just take things as they come. That's pretty cool. Do you like to run, Hachiman?", she turns to face me while undoing her black scrunchie.

I'm so lost...

 _Hachiman? Running? I must be dreaming..._

"I don't mind it". She laughs. She takes out the scrunchie completely. Her hair unfolds in a cascade of rolling silk. It's a blend of different purples and silvers and blacks, cleverly layered to produce only purple in a ponytail. The spring air is sent through her hair sensually, it plying her curly locks. She smiles at me with the eyes of a tigress. I am altogether surprised and intrigued. Normal is...she's...she's beautiful!

"Do you ever feel lonely, Hachiman? Like there is something you want to tell the world but you don't want to- you just can't?"

This strikes me too. Only, I feel deeply questioned. I am certain of the answer already.

I nod quickly.

"Well then...this might be your lucky day...", she smirks seductively.

She moves from the window to me like she's on a conveyor belt.

She takes off her glasses and tosses them on her desk, revealing precious gems. Amethyst eyes, crimson lips.

She moves past me, putting a devious hand on my arm. She walks right up to the rabbit painting. In one swift motion, she takes it off the wall.

Inside the wall is quite literally a mini-bar. It's complete with gin and tonic, vodka, and some others I can't even identify. Some other stuff is sitting in the corner.

Normal takes out a small bottle and two glasses.

It's at this point in time that I don't think that it would be apt to call this girl "normal" any more.

She fills one glass and takes a forceful, a jubilant swig before filling mine.

I don't know what to do.

I feel so wrapped up in the moment that I believe I would feel more at risk NOT partaking in Tani's hospitality. I follow her action. The bitter, lively fluid burns my throat. My head feels dull and dizzy and my mouth feels numb.

"Are you ready?", Tani says, opening the window all the way after lacing on some boots and applying a leather jacket hidden deep in her closet. She takes one foot and steps out on to the roof. Wind blasts my face as I look at her balancing on the roof like some kind of hot daredevil.

"What about your parents? Won't they be-", I call after her.

"-I said, are you ready!?"

She yells back at me with a mischievous look.

"Am I ready for what?" I say, already stepping out of the window, and out of the world of the compulsive and desolate. Out of the comfort zone. She's drawn me from my fortress walls.

"To not be lonely anymore!"

And with that, she lunges off of the roof in an all out dive. I run after her, ready to jump down to her- a person who is definitely not normal.

Clearly, I have a lot to learn...

* * *

 **Note:** Thanks for everyone's patience. I hope this is a good chapter. I also hope that it isn't too boring or something. I don't know, I'm just being overly critical at the moment, especially with there being so many better fics for oregairu. But at the end of the day, who gives a shit. I'm proud that this fic is still going, and I like the shape it's taking. Any how, sorry I spoiled Of Mice and Men, although I could've done a lot worse.

Next chapter will take a couple of weeks, I think. I'm at a high stress point so there are some things I have to tend to before I can drown myself in my escapist ways.

So...as always thanks for reading, leave a comment, and I'll be back with more soon.


	15. Chapter 15 - Can H Hikigaya Even Rant?

It felt like we had run half a mile.

I stayed back- forcing myself not to overtake her- so that her swan-like movements would inspire me on to a destination that I hope favors me. The way one person moves as if she is directing the winds with every step is something I'd never seen before. It's like I can smell the ash and smoke from my burning ships behind me, but her slender legs- powering over yard fences and garden gnome citizens of the elitist neighborhood- fan it all away.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm savoring this inspiration which I don't deserve, or even know I needed.

Something about being proven wrong and then being put into a position that tests my character has brought out something in me I could've only previously found in Yukinoshita: passion.

Maybe not passion. There's nothing about dashing through a green, well-off community that I'm passionate about. But maybe the possibility of passion; the effort of passion.

Passion without any secrets or doubts. I have to confess, I am feeling cathartic right now.

I am exhausted and out of shape, but I keep up with Tani, who feels like some sort of envoy from the Rom-Com gods come to save my soul before it's too late.

Maybe?

What would be her final destination? Her purpose, this coincidence, or the fact that I feel like I can do almost anything. With this kind of remarkable energy, should I find a car to crash? A tank to steal? A rocket launcher?

I feel like a superhero, even as I sweat and gasp. I feel my anchored calves tighten and warm at the thought of slowing down.

I'm reminded of the last time I ran. It was for all the wrong reasons. I was chasing down Hayato Hayama for a Service Club request. The only thing that felt right that day happened afterwards...

...in the infirmary...

I see the twilight swim so soft and so deep in her eyes. The sun between us, our judge. The essence of our relationship encapsulated in that one room and then cancelled. I have a confession to make to Yukinoshita: there is something about that day that I cannot regret. It's just like today, where I am in the same rare, un-walled state. My defenses down, my heart beating harder and harder- hoping and denying- not even waiting till I'm alone to throw my mind astir with the chaos of the unthinkable emotion.

Do I even dare say what such an emotion is?

If I can't say it now, then I haven't learned anything. I will have become the same kind of person I would've hated a few years ago.

And most importantly, I'm still under her wings. Even if I tried to run for cover, her shadow would follow me.

It would follow me, just like I'd hope.

I snap out of my reverie with the crunch of leaves and thistles. I have unwittingly charged into a line of hedges after doing well to catch up with Tani. Of course, this is when I I realize how long I was entranced again. When will I ever learn...

My hair is parted in strange divisions, my jacket feels way too heavy and it feels like a sauna beneath.

Tani watches me after stopping. Something tells me by the way she stops so deftly after running a distance that she is used to this route - the rebellious trek through a Utopian homestead.

She giggles and runs up to me while I shakily brush off the bits and pieces of fern from my ankles.

"Run much? This guy is gonna be really peeved when you see that you blitzed through his lawn", Tani laughs.

"I never said I did", I look around. Grass and soil is disturbed in combination with our tracks. I look behind us to find much the same. I can respect why Tani would find this fun. It makes me feel like I'm in some anarchic movement. Take that, aristocrat grass! Call me Trotsky!

 _Wait? Am I a rebel or a communist?_

Eh...never mind. At least I'm not the other one.

That freeing feeling returns, despite my lengthy reflection and subsequent minor accident.

Tani, trying to be helpful, had jogged my way. She stops just short enough to give me some space and allow me to clear my head. I know she doesn't want to get caught out in the open like this.

I don't either, naturally. If the owner of this house were to catch me stumbling up from his destroyed lawn, my perfect record will be irreversibly ruined.

"Are you feeling okay?", asks Tani, forgoing her easy-going nature to shed a look of concern.

"I'm fine. But...do we have much farther to go?" I look up at Tani. I may be a different man now, but I'm not different enough to be reassuring. I do feel a bit bad though.

"We were actually really close to the bus station! I hate to say it, since it looks like you were really "in-deep" or something, but you kind of looked like a zombie for a moment there". Tani and I start to walk gently from the lawn interior to the sidewalk, where we begin to track green grass and dark soil on the fine pavement. We let the wind cool us off. I notice that she is panting subtly while she walks next to me. Short breaths lift and fall under her leather jacket.

Maybe she isn't much of a runner either? I can't find that easy to believe.

"Don't worry about me. I was just thinking".

"Oh trust me, I never worry. But seriously. That must have been some really abstract stuff if you can't even see in front of you", she peers at me with wisdom, hidden the times she would look at me before.

"I wouldn't say abstract", I grin.

"Complex then? Complicated? Maybe...difficult?" Tani asks, her silky hair bouncing with her step. I think she is marching on purpose so that her gait won't overtake me. Much appreciated. My hunched posture requires turtle walking speed.

I catch the sea breeze like a kiss through my dark hair. _I need a hair cut. Does Yukinoshita even like longer hair on a guy? Does she prefer hair like Hayama's? Should I ask Yuigahama what she thinks? There may be no point though..._

"Hachiman?"

 _I don't think so...but if I ever need a job at some point then I will probably want to consider a haircut._

"Hachiman Hikigaya?"

 _Then I will impress Yukinoshita with a proper hair style when we meet again!_

I feel Tani poke me in the face on my cheek. It tickles a little, but I manage to hold back laughter. I don't need anyone but Komachi knowing my weak spots. Wait...why is my face ticklish?

"Hey!", Tani shouts with another poke.

"What?"

"You did it again".

"Oh...". Most people don't pay enough attention to me to catch me when I'm thinking, let alone twice in succession.

At least I'm not being interrupted during something super important. There are worse things to linger on than an overdue hair appointment.

I see the bus station directly ahead. The municipal transit stand is full of normal commuters and some less savory people. There isn't much of a buffer zone between the higher quality residences and...my kind of people- the common rabble. It's just a downhill hike from mile-high street to the bus station. Tani and I watched as the well maintained side-walk turned into a cracked, busted pedestrian lane.

There is a map under one stop, at the walls of the main station where most of the buses are kept and refueled. Tani traces her black finger nail from our position up to some seemingly remote settlement a good distance away. I'm too far away to register any specifics.

I keep my distance under the stop while Tani buys our tickets.

I take notice of Tani checking the time on her phone. She watches the sky after we board a bus to who knows where. She is being intentionally secretive. I wonder how much she is willing to share, or if she's willing to share any mission intel at all.

Tani and I share a seat, with her getting the window side. I oddly feel comfortable enough around Tani to share a seat with her among the many more empty seats.

I guess I feel that I can sit with her on a stupid bus if I can call her by her first name. Although to be fair to me, she started it. The bus revs up a steep hill.

I watch helplessly as houses and buildings of midtown Chiba begin to thin out.

"So...where are we going?", I ask without giving the tigress a hint of my nervousness. My curiosity is heightened now that it seems that we are leaving Chiba.

She laughs after checking her phone again. She nudges me hard on the shoulder.

"I thought you would never ask! I mean, you have been kidnapped twice today, I thought you would be much more questioning than this", Tani says.

I am. Internally only. I am slightly apprehensive. I feel vulnerable around Tani- so suddenly- but I don't mind. I like it. I like it, and her, but at the same time I feel like I've ignored the possibility that I may not be fully prepared for what's to come. I still have the feeling I had when we ran from her house, but some of it has gone away.

Instead, the steady beat of caution rears itself just to let me know that I don't know what the future holds. And, without any luck, something could go wrong. A strange place...far from Chiba...far from Yukinoshita...

I felt safe there, even if I never let it show.

Leaving my comfort zone- my iron curtain- has led to some new feelings, but will there be enough moments or feelings ahead to justify the lack of safety?

Is this me finally abandoning something? My own limitations, my self-imposed laws...

Did I leave them all in Tani's room when she looked at me like a predator; or like I'm tame. I'd like to think I have some experience in dealing with the spontaneous or the risky, but I haven't the slightest clue what it means to feel the consequences.

I've only ever condemned youth after all. So now, in the eyes of this electrifying tigress, I probably appear to be some sort of blank slate. A fun virgin.

The bus careens sharply down the roadway, cutting through mountains and hills. Tani continues to check the time and offer me little information in the way of our destined place.

But all I can think is...

 _I have a lot to learn._

* * *

The sky is getting colder and darker. I'm glad I have my jacket, or else I would freeze once I step out of the vehicle.

At least, that's what I think would happen...

I've always been a bit sensitive to the cold. Komachi too. That's why we have so many blankets around our house. They're everywhere, so we have plenty of options and neither of us will ever be stranded in a room without some cold protection.

It sucks to think that I have more blankets in a stockpile than I have friends. I wish I had a blanket now...

Tani is silent singing, mouthing out the words to an unidentifiable song. She hasn't said much so far, but I'm starting to think that this is because she isn't much of a talker to begin with.

Or maybe I'm just boring...

 _If she were Yukinoshita, what would I do? What would I say?_

I can't think of anything substantial. The things not relating to my issues that circulate my head mainly include garbage about a video game or something I read recently. I don't think she wants to hear about the Hachiman digest.

She looks at me then, realizing that I have been staring. She looks confused but waits.

"Can I guess where we're going?", I ask. It's not really a banger, but it'll do. I'm not a social expert like Hayama, so I tend to cheat a little by starting chaff conversations.

"Sure! Good luck", Tani says, seeming happy to accept my guesses.

I think about it hard, because I do want to know where I'm headed. I don't have any skills in the event of a terrorist incident and I skipped out of karate class on account of a rare disease I made up on a dime.

It probably won't be dangerous...but it could be stressful. Or even worse- expensive. I feel my wallet...100 yen? 200? Change. Pocket change.

I'll be killed if I get mugged.

 _"Take care of him, I don't like the way his dead fish eyes look at me...he looks like a bonafide whistle-blower"_

 _"Got it boss!"_

BANG!

I need to stop overthinking. Just because I don't leave the city that often doesn't mean that I'll be in peril the second I step off the bus.

Back to the guessing.

It most likely won't involve anything dangerous, but knowing Tani a little better now (to say the least), the place might be exciting.

What's exciting?

A movie theater?

A dog park?

I need to get out more...I don't know what to say. A roller coaster is exciting, but there are no theme parks anywhere we're headed.

Something punk...something underground. I get that kind of vibe from Tani.

Actually, make it something underground, but homey- or maybe down-to-earth? Yet...exciting. Maybe some kind of little-known club.

"A club?"

I'm somewhat confident about my guess...until she smiles and shakes her head.

"Nice try. I can see what you had in mind".

"You can? Are you a mind-reader?"

"Ha! You're funny..." _You're sense of humor is horribly flawed. "_ No, but I wish...then I can tell what you have been so distant about". She still is smiling. It makes me feel a bit guilty for never living in the moment like she does so naturally.

"Actually, I get the feeling that you're sharper than you look. Almost like you scope out everyone while you remain ignored. It's pretty clever", Tani says.

Is she complimenting me or is she making fun of me? I can't tell... Am I dense?

"I didn't start doing that stuff on purpose", I say, acknowledging her statement as neither a kudos nor a jibe.

Her smile fails momentarily while she looks deep into me.

"Oh...I see. I get it".

"It's not a big deal, really. It comes in handy".

She doesn't reply.

"So I take it that my guess is wrong?"

She looks up. "Yes, but don't feel bad, it was a good guess".

Now it's my turn to stay silent. I feel our presences chaffing with the enduring silence. It isn't as comfortable as it was with Yukinoshita...

The bus makes a sharp turn and I end up almost falling over on Tani.

"Sorry", I say.

"It's fine!"

I know I'm blushing. What kind of independent man blushes about silly stuff like this.

 _I've really lost my edge, haven't I Yukinoshita? I hope you know that I still won't change what you respect._

"Hey. How about we make a deal", Tani asks.

"Okay".

"If you tell me what you were thinking about before you ran into those bushes, I'll tell you where we're going".

I have to think about it, because my thoughts are pretty private stuff, especially when it happens to do with Yukinoshita and our...situation. But more than that, I'm confused. There's something that's always pulled at me. Until now, the only person who I could confide in is Komachi. I know she wants to hear what's on my mind. But now Tani wants to know, even though I don't know why. It'll be like ranting to a friend.

I still have to be careful. This is that comfort Tani afflicts me with. If I spill my guts, I won't have any more cards to play. And more importantly, sharing has never been something I'm good at.

But...

She wants to know.

I decide I'll give it a chance, hardly thinking about what I'll get from this exchange.

"Do you know someone at our school names Yukino Yukinoshita?", I say with a sigh. It feels like the first step in an ice-cold river. Immediately, I want to take it back. _Oh well..._

"Of course I do! She's the one with long black hair right? Yeah, I know who she is", Tani says while putting up a finger and tucking it between her lips.

"We were in the same club for little awhile". _More like a few years..._

"Then, we had made a mutual pact". _A mutual pact to cower behind a wall of unrealistic expectations and miscommunication._

"In the end, we split ways. But...I can't..."

I pause. I didn't realize how hard this would be, and not just to put it into words.

Tani's eyes dazzle with excitement. "Go on!"

"I can't just...so..." I mumble, suddenly insecure about how I sound. I really don't want to come across as a pity-case.

"You love her! You always have!", Tani shouts.

My cheeks burn and my stomach does a somersault. _Shit! Let me at least finish first..._

I only look away. "I never said that..."

"Haha! Sorry, this is actually really interesting!"

"What did you think this was about?"

"I don't know...maybe some stupid video game? But seriously, no wonder you ran into those shrubs!"

 _Hurtful..._

"Like I was saying. I can't leave things like that". I face her directly.

Tani looks more serious than humored now. I think she understands enough. She looks intently, waiting for me to finish.

"That's it..."

She looks disgusted.

"That's it?! How is that it? You can't look like a man about to propose and tell me that's all!"

Do I look that serious?

"I don't know...I just think I've let things draw out for too long".

"Exactly...I agree...", Tani nods wisely.

"But...wait!", I exclaim.

"No no no. I get it! And I think I get you, too", she smiles kindly. Tani seems happy that I told her about this, even though I still don't know why she cares. "I mean, it's no wonder things have gotten to this point when it takes a bribe just for you to speak like this".

"Yeah...I'm sorry".

"It's fine...but now for my end of the deal!"

I perk up a little when I hear the bus brakes screech with a hiss. A tremor of energy echoes throughout the bus cabin when the bus goes from slowing to stopped.

I give Tani a look. _Really?_

"He he...sorry...I guess we're here! Come on!"

She jumps up and I am forced to let her out. We walk out together; Tani once again takes the lead while I follow her through other passengers.

Now I get it! I know where we are, sort of.

We're stopped in a small town in the Saitama prefecture. But the clue is much more obvious. Among the mountains rings something that to my ears sounds both faint and direct. It snaps and grooves. It's definitely the echo of music.

Music?

"Come on! We're already late!"

* * *

 **Note:** I know things seem to be thinning out, but I feel so embarrassed when another week goes by and I haven't updated. I didn't realize how expanse this last bit of Hachiman's dream is going to be. Then again, it is the most important part in this development so I need to take my time. I also hope things aren't too boring.

In the end, I'd rather lose reader due to boredom rather than my story just being...really bad.

There are some dramatic bits due, but until then, I don't want to rush anything. As always, please leave a comment enjoy this shorter chapter!


	16. Chapter 16 - Down a Dream and a Drink

I'm not trying to be a downer here, but this is definitely not my crowd.

I'm the inconsistency amid the punks and rebels- the goths with elaborate facial augmentations. I don't belong in any crowd, but here I feel like I am a priest in a brothel.

Some charming teens pass us carrying band shirts and souvenirs. They come near us and I can hear a few whispering about me and Tani.

 _"Is that girl seriously going out with someone like him?"_

 _"I hope not...he looks too creepy. Creepy..."_

It seems like I can't get any respect anywhere I go these days. Although, I do feel a bit of a rush at the thought of this being a date. Or maybe I'm just excited that they assumed I am on a date. For all they know, we could be siblings. I think back to the day at the cafe and smile a bit in the shade of late day leaves.

The trees are parted for the wide path to and from the stage, where I can already hear the counting off of a fresh song.

I give Tani a look as the small party of teens walk between us.

"Oh, what, did they hurt your feelings?"

I snicker.

"They didn't say anything that google can't already tell you?"

I remedy the awkwardness with a self-deprecating snark before anything comes up. What can I say, it's a habit by now. To my surprise, Tani didn't seem amused or in agreement. In fact, she grimaced for a second before walking down the path and away from the entrance.

I follow her, for the hundredth time today.

Her hair blends and shimmers with the mighty streams of the dying sun. I can feel myself being lifted from her near-exalted presence. I float by her side.

"You don't..."

She doesn't seem to care, about that or the whole thing with the teens. I'll spare her this, at least.

"...nevermind".

For a girl, she carries herself strongly. It reminds me of the lofty, proud gait of Yukino Yukinoshita. With Tani, it is more relaxed, but her footsteps and posture represent a sleeping lion.

"You can't start something...to not finish it", she says like a wink of words. It works, but I know she didn't say anything she could've.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Repressing opinions and expression of self isn't cool among the kids anymore.

"You didn't seem...to like my joke".

"You admit it wasn't serious, then?"

"Of course not. I'd feel sorry for any one who actually tried looking me up on google".

"Me too! Unless they are using incognito mode! But that's not really what I meant", she laughs.

"What do you mean?"

"Ah...nevermind".

Wait!

Wait a second here!

She runs of as soon as we meet the stage and the sea of people bouncing to the beat. I can see her heels disappear and have a hard time making her out in the crowd with the sun tucking itself in the distance behind a tree-crested hill or two. I'm in a bit of a daze.

My parents never had to search for me in a superstore because I never got lost. Even then, I knew that crowds are a terrible thing. But now, I think I know how I would've felt had something like that happened.

I stand, looking down at my shoes and the dust they'd gathered on the _small_ trip here. I gawk at the clouds, which are no more than blue echoes by now. The time might be earlier or later than I expect, but I don't want to check.

I feel uncomfortable.

So uncomfortable that I can't remember how I had ever trained myself to become comfortable.

More like forced. A forced training- like keeping your head underwater until you can hold your breath longer and longer.

That would be like comparing myself to a mermaid...yuck. Creepy thoughts belong in incognito mode.

 _This is a mistake._

 _I'm not breaking any barriers here. Just ignoring them._

Minor amounts of perspiration escape me and I feel disgusting. I normally never sweat, due to my unique attitude towards physical expenditures.

I feel creepy, like I'm an unwanted specimen in a lab experiment gone wrong. And it's a feeling I haven't been aware of for a long time.

All the while, the music goes on. The song hadn't even changed yet.

The band is making a show out of it.

The crowd is proof of a good time.

I look around, retracting and retaining. I feel better as I make note of people, things, and the rest. Useless knowledge that loners all collect.

The motley of male collegiate students are making beeline for a lone girl by a bench.

An older man in a polo is embarrassing a younger girl who appears to be his daughter.

The opening band is looking enviously at the headlining band while downing beers at a table at the rim of the clearing, where band and crowd interface. This is all highly ordinary. Humans are the most observable animal.

I seem to be being snatched.

I was innocently admiring the countryside when a hand grabs mine. I am moving towards the crowd at perilous speeds, and I can't stop her!

Tani smiles at me, giving me a rotten profile of her rotten face.

"I was worried when you didn't follow me! I thought that maybe you had become frightened and ran off into the woods and away from society."

Is this sarcasm? She obviously must know about my inseparable relationship with things like air conditioning and MAX Coffee.

We jumble into the mesh and I am folded like a tissue origami. I feel my shoulder ram into a stranger's and I feel my hand slide past...hopefully nothing. Tani holds on tight to me as we work through and to the middle.

In the center of the vortex we have full view of the band. The music is exponentially louder.

When the song ends, the singer introduces the band and begins another song. This time, the song is slow and has a hallowed feel to it, like a ballad.

It pairs well. The piano plays with the colors of pink on the cherry blossoms hidden in the clearing's outskirts. The wavy guitars make sounds like wind through the rocks of the hills behind and around. The drums are sultry and move young lovers to do things that lovers do when the hold each other and dance.

And I feel like a disgrace for being privy to such a human moment.

Tani looks love-struck.

I can see her focused on the singer as he croons poetry as sweet as nectar. If I were a romantic, I would be in tears.

Actually, if I were over-dramatic I would be in tears.

If I were a romantic, I would be jealous.

She is fixed on the stage, and stiff like ice. I'm a loner stuck in time, watching a world I had never known dance like a ghost around me.

I swear that that singer is staring at Tani too.

He sings. She smiles. I watch.

Tani clutches her hands at her sides, as if her lonely fingers have nothing to hold.

 _He's singing for her..._

 _Unimaginable..._

The song has taken off. The crowd is in a full of psychosis.

I think about my wish. The selfishness of it. But...I don't want to be here alone. I want to hear music like this with her...

I want to dance...and, I don't need to wait, there's an opportunity for that tonight.

Soon the lyrics end. The piano belts out a few more cherished notes and the sound-enslaved audience snaps right back to where I've been all this time.

Little did I know that this was the band's last song. The concert is over.

Tani waits for the people surrounding us to disperse before we begin walking. She leads me around the stage and past the stage hands already working to reduce the lighted platform to the dirt it stands on.

I feel like a zombie. I'm entranced by a singular thought...

...

Love.

I feel jealous, frustrated, and out of luck. But if I've changed, then maybe, just maybe, there's still time.

"Hey, Tani"

"Here, I want you to meet someone!"

"Tani...listen".

The rumble of people seems to make it difficult for her to hear me, especially after the concert. My ears are still ringing and I wasn't even near the stage for most of the set.

"Tani!", I say, stopping behind the stage.

She notices that I have stopped following her. "Hachiman? Come on!"

I shake my head slowly.

"I have to go".

She shakes her head. "I can't hear you", she says, pointing to her ear.

"I have to go!"

Her eyes flare up with understanding and sudden comprehension. With that, she backtracks to where I am standing.

"I think I know what you mean...just remember the bus fee, since I won't be paying for you."

She looks visibly disappointed and her eyes are narrowed, but her voice betrays these. She speaks with sisterly ardor and a ring that says "about time!".

I am both encouraged and saddened.

"Thank you", I say barely loud enough for her to hear.

She smiles.

"Just don't waste anymore time!"

After that smile and a quick wave, she spins around and dashes off, once again. Like an adventurer on a quest, she disappears behind band boxes and amps and into the unknown.

I begin a quest of my own.

I start it by walking, initially, out of the concert area.

But soon, I start to think more about Yukinoshita. Her smile overrides my will to walk and I start to sprint.

Eventually, with the motivation of just a memory, I am running down the mountain like an afternoon romeo until I get to the bus stop.

I wave a bus down as it pulls away from the curb.

I'm pretty sure I accidentally give the driver extra for the fee plus my pass but I don't care.

 _I won't waste a second._

* * *

After I get off the bus at the stop closest to Sobu High School, I let the night air wash my sweat away as I run down street after street. The air goes from welcome to humid the more my feet pound the poor sidewalks that lead me to the destination I'd designated as home away from home. The place where fears and wishes collide into an entanglement of youth. The place where my silent crusade against the flow of life began.

Thanks to the power of memories, certain rooms and areas contain emotions I'd never taken inventory of. There's no doubt, I will be sad when I graduate and leave here. I will miss the place where I made friends I can respect, and who respect me. I will miss the room where I discovered Yukinoshita sitting by the window.

I think I'll lose my mind if those memories become replaced with the one of Yukinoshita saying goodbye.

That's why I'm here; to make sense of this, and to make sure that my efforts and lessons I learned during my student-hood are not wasted.

I face the building.

The pillars of gate guard the school like a fortress. I pass them, but I for a moment feel unworthy and unprepared.

I walk slowly to dry myself off a bit before I go inside. Using a sleeve to wipe my forehead, I walk into the building and hear the music coming from the gymnasium.

I prepare myself physically. I am not wearing anything even relative to appropriate formal attire, but I do what little I can to make this creepy loner look like just an ordinary, clueless loner.

My heart beats like violent thunder, but it's not because of the running.

Nothing can be done about that.

The ticket counter is half-asleep. I approach, hoping that I don't look too pathetic.

"Oh...hello...welcome", the tired guy yawns between words. "Oh! You need a ticket to get in. Sorry..."

I saunter up and give the guy a wad of cash after retrieving my nearly empty wallet.

The clock on the wall ticks nearly as loud as the music pumping in the gym. I narrow my eyes at the abrasive thing while the sleepy attendant counts my change.

It's not good. The clock tells me that the dance is nearly over. If I want to do something, I need to work up a plan really quickly. I need to think of everything, from my body posture to my tone of voice. Something as important as this requires critical attention and thorough planning.

Unfortunately, the clock tells me I have about half an hour.

The song changes. I don't want to imagine Yukinoshita preoccupied. Or even worse, having a dance with another partner.

"Here you go, enjoy", the guy half-asses. He gives a grin as cheerful as his tone of voice. I leave him behind to nap at the table.

Inside the gym, the music tears through voices I do and don't recognize.

Couples are close to the DJ's table. Friend groups and the typical cliques are arranged around the dancers like a protective barrier. I don't seem to be the only loner, however. I notice Zaimokuza oddly close to the punch bowl. His back is facing me.

 _Huh, I thought for sure Yukinoshita would go all out for this..._

I look around as I near the punch bowl table where Zaimokuza is. I don't really want talk, but I need to buy some time while I think up a plan. The table is a cheap folding table, with a white table cloth that matches everything else. White...all white!

White streamers from the discount store.

A dozen white balloons from the same store.

And lights from the rafters...all pure white.

The punch?

I check under the table next to an unaware Zaimokuza. Under the cheap white plastic cover is a box of Kool-Aide mix.

For Yukinoshita, this is all very underwhelming.

From the table, I see her talking to someone. I instantly feel my chest tighten and my head buzz. She is beautiful...

Beautiful...in a white dress...like a bride.

He hair is done up in a tiered bun and adorned with shiny accessories to match her ice white dress. With her face as focused as always, she radiates the serene power I've come to admire.

I need to get moving.

"Oi...Zaimokuza", I say, moving in beside the rotund dork.

"Ah! Hachiman! Never in a thousand star kingdoms did I expect to see you here!"

I grab a glass and pour myself some punch to help the coarseness in my neck. It helps a lot as soon as it descends. I take another drink for good measure.

"Sweet, isn't it? Like the nectar of the Gods!", Zaimokuza bellows, before taking another sip from his own white foam cup.

"So what brings you here this evening? Do you wish to join me in the dance of a million swords? Or do you intend to enchant the heart of a young maiden?"

I drink some more of the bittersweet liquid.

"None of the above".

Yukino Yukinoshita is too highborn to be called a simple maiden. She is the queen- the Ice Queen.

I search the room some more. I look for possible routes of conversation and the ways I can be successful. I take into consideration every lesson I've learned since the beginning and carefully organize the importance of each. It's as if I'm putting myself on trial.

There's so much I want...

How can I accomplish it all in one night if at all?

 _Best foot forward, I guess._

Before I resolve to go and abandon Zaimokuza to his fantasies, I take another drink of my punch. I feel suddenly dazed.

"Hachiman! You seem distressed!"

"I-I'm...fine".

I take another drink. Maybe I'm dehydrated after all of the physical exertion I'd done today.

 _This stuff is really...good._

My mind seems to have a hard time finding its way through a sentence. Weird, but not as weird as how some of the students are acting. In the corners of the room, and in every clan of classmates, there are students talking abnormally loudly. They seem to stumble around as well.

Odd...maybe that's the new craze these days. I am totally out of the loop, so maybe...

 _I need a r-refill._

I need to talk to Yukinoshita! But I am thirsty too. I return to the bowl of delicious, exotic punch and ladle another cupful.

"Good for Kool-Aide for making such great punch", I mumble to Zaimokuza.

"Yes! Three cheers for the magic users who concocted such lovely chemistry!"

Zaimokuza bellows so hard, he nearly chokes. I pat him squarely on the back to help get him straightened out.

"Thank you, fellow knight!"

"No worries", I murmur. I belch.

I resolve to take one last drink for my parched lips before I go an do what I had come here to do. Yukino...

This stuff seems to give me a boost of confidence. I no longer feel the stretch of anxiety or the butterflies in my chest. Why don't more guys just drink punch before a confession. It really soothes the brain.

I feel dizzy and use Zaimokuza as an arm rest before I crash head first into the punch table.

"Thank you...sir...", I slur, patting Zaimokuza on the shoulder I had used.

I keep a grip in my cup as I walk away from the table and on to the dance floor. Colors swirl in inorganic ways as I attempt to walk as balanced as possible towards Yukino.

 _Yukino...I-I'm coming, just wait._

The music is blasting to the ceiling. I feel the groove of it. I'm actually feeling pretty good.

I'm here to talk to Yukino. I need to tell her...

I find her encircled by schoolmates I've seen before. Their faces are familiar and blurry at the same time. I can make out colors and lines and, obviously, voices. Breaking into the ring, I notice people turning their heads in surprise. Their expressions, from what I can make out, say "Hikitani? What's he doing here? Who invited him?"

Yukino seems most surprised. I hold back a belch, but it is unsuccessful. How ungentlemanly.

"I'm sorry, sorry." I accidentally nudge a foreign arm.

The faces spin around me. They all judge, especially Hayato Hayama...I think, maybe...I can see blonde.

I take another sip of punch.

"Um...Hikki?"

The soft, friendly yet worried voice that came from my left is Yuigahama's.

"Are you okay? Are you feeling well?", she puts her hand on my shoulder and looks at me. I return her look for a moment before remembering that I am the center of attention at this social gathering.

"Hikitani...you should go sit down somewhere".

Another person, definitely the voice of Hayato. The rat bastard...his voice is masculine and firm. He, too has a hand on my shoulder.

"I um...invited myself. So don't worry about me. I am fine".

I shrug them both away and move a step towards Yukino who, so far, hasn't said a word. But just by colors, her face is just as pale as her dress. I wish that I could see her eyes...her smile...

I can see her lips take the shape of a frown. I have to start, and this has to end. Right here and right now.

"Yukino. Yukino Yukinoshita. I need to tell you something".

It seems as though the whole room goes dark and quiet. Everyone around us is mute and the only sound around comes from the sub-woofers in the DJ's corner.

"H-Hikigaya...if there is something you need to discuss, we can talk about it some other day. Otherwise, I am busy".

"Please, this is r-really important. It's something I've been wanting to say for the longest time".

"I appreciate that. But this is neither the time nor the place to talk".

I feel Hayato's grip on my shoulder again. He has moved up beside me, in a cheap attempt to threaten me. But I can't back down now...I've already waited far too long.  
I can't walk away when I am this ready and this confident. She's so beautiful...and she is right here.

"I'm sorry!", I say louder than expected.

"And...I..."

I free myself from Hayato again and step a bit closer.

"I...lo..."

My second step does not fall properly and my foot bends on the slick gym floor. I trip and stumble, like a drunk wedding crasher.

My drink is sent flying. I try to catch it, but I manage to hit it instead, which sends it further away. With a small, unsatisfying thud the cup hits the floor. But to my horror, the red liquid has painted Yukino's dress a brilliant and savage crimson.

"I'm so sorry!... I didn't mean to", I squeak out. I feel the oxygen leaving my body- my hands becoming cold and my head getting numb.

I need to save this from crashing completely.

I look to Yuigahama, still fuzzy.

I look around at the other faces in the ring, all still distorted.

"I love you!", I gasp like a dying breath, like the final amen in a prayer.

"Wh-what?", Yukino breathes, her word just barely scraping my ears.

All is still.

...

My brain desperately offers solutions.

She doesn't seem to understand.

I need to focus. I need to prove myself worthy of this ice queen.

"No...I don't-"

I come in closer, preparing myself to kiss the girl I love.

"No."

She stands firm and strong, and the aura I respect bars me from doing anything that what ignite the hate in her. I can think of no worse outcome.

I decide to back down, feeling some common sense sneak back into my emotion-crowded amygdala.

But still...

"It's about time you find something else do to", Hayato says.

I brush his hand off of me but he plants it right back. He begins to steer me away from the circle. Something inside me snaps. I can feel my frustration become anger and toxic bitterness bubble to the surface. I want things to be so different than this.

Hayato forces me back a bit more, not intending to cause me harm, but I feel aggravated.

I don't budge the next time he pushes. I stay still.

"Come on, I think you've had enough attention for one night. You need to get some sleep".

I turn to face him. "Let me go".

"I will when you leave", Hayato says, attempting to intimidate me. Just like my youth, the bullies always try to get what they want. All this time, I'd never had a desire to respond to them until now.

I push Hayato Hayama with a haphazard shove. He barely stumbles. Instead, he looks at me with eyes wide with irritation. I can see him look around at the group and the people surrounding the once-small cluster who have come to observe this spectacle.

"I said let me go".

...

"You'd better leave".

I throw my fist in his direction, letting my arm launch recklessly. This happens so fast that I can't tell if it misses or Hayato simply dodges my swing. Either way, I was not prepared for what was to come.

My feet lift off the ground for a second after I feel Hayato's dependable strike against my chin. After I hit the floor, I feel his full weight on top of me.

I try to get up, but he is keeping me locked on the gym floor. I am sweating, trying to get Hayato off of me. I hear him whisper something to me about not trying anything stupid. I'm dazed and antsy, and my mind still feels hazy.

After awhile, he finally gets up. Brushing off his tux, he walks off into the quickly dispersing swarm of curious students.

I sit up, defeated and embarrassed, preparing for the worst.

I don't want to look at Yukino. I hope she is already gone, but she's not.

Yuigahama is leading Yukino away, seeming unable to look at me.

 _I'm so sorry._

 _I must be a sorry sight._

As Yukino wanders away from me, I hear her say something. This time, I don't need to strain my ears. It's obvious that I'm meant to hear it.

The Ice Queen always speaks with words sharper than steel.

But this isn't the Ice Queen, this is the Yukino I fell in love with. The same one.

"Disgusting. Disgusting".

* * *

The dance ends.

What would've been a night of fantasy turned sour after I over indulged in the punch. The stuff was probably laced with hard alcohol, otherwise it would've taken the partakers longer to get buzzed. Although, I was definitely more than buzzed.

I puked outside of the school walls, out of sight from any students leaving the once alive building.

I shivered afterwards, feeling cold and hollow from my emptied stomach.

Then I sat next to the puddle to wait for my head to clear. I should've known something was wrong. I'm usually diligent, like a clandestine agent, but my thoughts were so fixated on one goal that I forgot many of my original policies and dogmas.

Organizing one's thoughts after a rough time is painful, because its bad enough to endure troublesome events once much less twice.

Let's see...

I barged into the friendly circle to confront Yukinoshita over a very personal matter.

I burped like a sailor and threw the contents of my cup on Yukinoshita's perfectly image-white dress.

I told her I love her.

Got tackled by Hayato Hayama...

Anything else? Wait! Hold up. I told Yukinoshita what now?

 _Yikes_.

I've hit a new low.

The traffic lights ornament the sidewalk like bleak lanterns along a bastion wall. I slink along, obviously not in any hurry. My shoes scrape the chalky pavement and I hope nothing scrapes off for good.

Nothing else seems to matter.

I'm reeling from the conclusion that all of the progress I'd made thus far has been for nothing. I guess this is what they call a realistic ending.

We need more movies that portray a modern journey in a more genuine light, where the main character strikes out and looses everything in one night just when the bets are on. The stage curtain has closed. The lights are all off except for the reds and greens of narrow intersections close to my neighborhood.

People tend to exaggerate heartache. They say they want to die and act like their lives are worthless all because of a mistake they'd made. This is a mistake I made. My heart can ache all it wants but I have no choice but to keep on walking. To all of the people who ever doubted that I have a heart, take this as proof!

It is so cold out that I wouldn't be surprised to find late snow fall sprinkling and speckling the ground. A shiver curls down my back from between my shoulders and I attempt to huddle myself into a turtle-like hunch.

Without my jacket, I am unprotected from small gasps of icy gust as they unfurl my ragged hair.

 _I wanted tonight to go differently._

 _I can't even imagine a scenario where it all goes well, but at least there's the fact that I made an effort._

The next intersection is busier. Cars and some taxis wait for the light while I cross, still hunched like a movie villain. Thoughts on the past, I ignore the beaming, purifying rays of car headlights until I reach the other end.

There is another breeze that clips my poorly anchored hair.

Through the wisps and dark strands I hear a horn against the whooshing of 4-cylinder engines. Somehow, I already have a good guess behind the identity of the driver. I don't turn around immediately.

Another honk.

I turn at last.

 _Hiratsuka._

It's remarkable how often she and I collide with one another on regular basis- or almost a regular basis. However, can hanging out with your teacher really be called a regular thing? Whatever, that's beside the point.

I jog back to the ill-lit curb.

"Hikigaya, you're out late this evening. Up to no good, I expect", the woman greets with one eyebrow raised.

She has eye make-up and plenty of jewelry placed on her face and fingers. A ruby red dress outlines her like a majestic vessel. It's an attractive sight, if I'm being honest. I'll never let her know that, though.

 _If I were only 10 years older..._

"I'm not up to anything", I say plainly, trying hard not to shiver. There is another honk, but this time it is coming from the car behind us.

"I don't believe you".

"Would you care to leave the interrogation to the authorities?"

She lifts her chin quickly, like a half-nod. "Here, just get in. We can talk more inside".

I agree, but only because I know it'll be warmer inside of Hiratsuka's admittedly nice car. And she has the nerve to complain about her pay...

The door is unlocked, and I climb inside as I have done before.

Ms. Hiratsuka floors it, leaving behind smoke and exhaust and undoubtedly annoying the poor driver behind. The radio is turned on but the volume is curiously low. I imagine Hiratsuka has had an equally heartrending evening.

"So, as I was saying, you were up to no good".

She takes a sharp turn, down a road I don't recognize.

"Don't worry, I'm just stopping for some fuel before I take you home", she says softly with a pitiful smile, as if she had just ruined her own fun.

I don't know what to say, but I expect her to carry on.

"Look, it's obvious you've had a strange, if not terrible, day", Ms. Hiratsuka comments, just as I had expected her to.

"Is it really obvious?"

"Well you've never been the type to amend your appearance for the benefit of others. But yes, it is". She fingers my collar where some Kool-Aide had stained.

After a side ways look, she continues.

I roll my eyes, secretly hoping I don't get into any trouble.

"At my age, you tend to learn a thing or two about rough dates. And you show all the signs of someone who has taken a dark path".

I sigh.

...

The car slows down just enough to lurch towards the gas station pump and stop adjacent to the machine.

I know that this won't stop our conversation.

"So what? What's done is done".

"So what?"

"Many people delude themselves into hoping for another chance- or just hoping that they can recover. Many people fail to recognize the finality of a situation. Unlike them, I've always known when to quit".

Ms. Hiratsuka extracts her debit card from the machine and reaches for the pump. More cold air comes through the open door. Strangely, Hiratsuka seems unperturbed by the out-of-season cold.

"You know me, I don't believe in giving up. A lot of people don't give up because they believe in a conclusion beyond the conclusion".

"That's false hope. It will make a person worse off than they were to begin with, without that thing they desire".

"Take tonight for example..."

Ms. Hiratsuka sits back down in the driver's seat with an oof. I can smell a mixture of lavender and cheap alcohol when she brings in the outside air.

She starts the car with a proud motion of her wrist.

"...originally, I was supposed to go on a date with a man I had met online. He said he loved to teach, and so do I, so I thought why not. This is that "false hope". Naturally, things didn't quite go as planned. I ended up at the bar by myself after getting stuck with the bill".

It's a story that's so sad it actually makes me pity her. Oh wait, that's practically every one of her stories.

I really don't want to end up like her...

"Then why?", I dare to ask.

She pauses to think in that sagely way of hers.

"This date didn't go well, the dates before this didn't go well, and the future dates may not go well. But I know what I desire, and I know that the rewards of what I gain from that will outweigh the hardships of the past and present".

I am still struggling to understand the merits of this. I want to ignore the message, but even now the small flame of hope in me is gasping for air like a bloom in the desert.

I quickly give Ms. Hiratsuka the directions home. I speak up.

"I don't know. All I know is that trying to succeed in your case is far different from success in my case".

She doesn't hesitate with a pause. This time, Hiratsuka is direct and passionate. She looks to me from the side with wide and caring eyes. This motherly look gives me courage that it has before, only this time...

"Hikigaya, that fact that you are reflecting on this as a defeat proves that for once you had the fortitude to try. For you to give something to someone like an effort or a gesture, shows you know what genuine means".

This dawns on me like a baptism in arctic waters. I feel my face go flush.

 _Genuine..._

Of course I know. It's not even a question now.

 _It's not a question now._

"Anyways...", she continues, "every loss is just a chance to learn from your mistakes. You don't need to remember that. It's something you've always known, just apply it to this".

My house is in visible range. The car shifts down a gear as we careen silently into the driveway. My parents aren't home, but it's late enough for Komachi. I doubt she's still awake.

"Thanks for the ride", I say while stepping out.

"Don't worry about it, it's a teacher's responsibility", Ms. Hiratsuka says proudly. "Get some sleep!", she calls after me.

I spin around in the spur of the moment to say one last thing to my pathetic, annoying, abusive, but noble teacher.

"Sensei, you look pretty tonight".

I don't have to look in her direction to know she's blushing. Sometimes embarrassing her is too easy. I call it payback for all of the lectures. But then again, I'm not lying either.

* * *

The house is dark and warm. The only lights visible to me come from kitchen appliances and other less identifiable sources.

I walk gently to avoid creaking the wooden floors in the kitchen.

As I had speculated, Komachi is already asleep. She will no doubt have plenty of questions for me tomorrow. My parents, however, are not home yet and will most likely not have as many questions for me.

 _Unless I reek of alcohol-stricken punch._

For good measure, I will take a shower in the morning. For now, I am too tired to stand.

I switch on the light in the dining room and man a seat at the table. The light is bright enough to keep me from missing the chair but dim enough to lull me to sleep in said chair.

It's a quiet night.

I have all of my life to wonder about affairs of the heart, but I only have so long to correct my trespasses in the eyes of the girl I never could admit anything to.

A sad thought...

We were playing unintentional head games. One misunderstanding or a lapse in communication; both common flaws in modern relationships. I'm not even an expert in imaginary relationships. Then again, what chance did I have.

What proof did I have of a possibility of success or of the hope of reciprocation?

And what plan would have worked had I not been intoxicated?

 _Questions for a past Hachiman._

Something white catches me by surprise. A piece of paper?

I somehow know what it is and how it came to be here, but at the same time I am at a loss. The paper had been folded many times, until it was as stiff and layered as it is now. I am fearful of opening it. The letter has Yukinoshita written all over it.

It's perfectly folded. The paper stock is flawless, no rips or marks. It's compacted to utmost efficiency. It's as if her personality presides over this one souvenir from a cloudy memory.

I dare unravel it.

My hands clasp all over it, nearly ripping the paper as my hands shake. I am not expecting a grocery list. I see words in fine print and in immaculate order inscribed on the note.

Finally, the paper is in full reading view. I can make out the words under the unwavering vigil of the table light.

 _I may never have an opportunity to say this out loud, or in person._

One sentence flows to the next.

 _But there are some things that need be said that can't be expressed face to face. Call it cowardly, but I prefer to think of it as comfortably cordial._

Yukinoshita weaves her words like honey over bread.

 _I've known you for a short amount of time compared to the lifespan of an average person. You have been selfless, and self-harming. You have been helpful, and reckless. When I ask of you a favor, you do it. But this cannot be._

I prepare myself for the sting that I have come to both expect and enjoy, save for the brief examples of her charitable kinship.

 _This cannot be, because we are separate people. And although a younger me would've hated the help you shelter me with, the me of today cannot live without it. And now, I respect you too much to let this go on. There are things you just can't understand._

Her just words pour out for me to devour.

 _I hope that someday if you read this, that you will know that I hated watching you go. Maybe someday we can learn more about each other as separate people and we can start something brand new. Maybe someday, I can..._

I don't want to look at the rest. But the allure of hope is far too strong.

 _...call you more than just a friend._

 _Yukino Yukinoshita._

Her letter seems surreal. I want to believe in it.

I want to carry it around with me like a beacon of hope, whether this note is real or not.

I fold it up gently, careful as to not smudge the ink or improperly refold the parchment, as if Yukino Yukinoshita is my religion and the note is sacred.

With a deep, tired breath, I find it in myself to make one last effort.

I yawn.

My eyes become heavy and crusted, to the point of no return.

I don't feel the motivation to get up from the chair and go to my own bedroom to retire, nor do I feel inclined to turn off the light.

My heart is to lifted, and my mind is too sleepy. I feel as though I can dream easy...with this piece of proof so close to me. I clutch onto tightly while I float away on the winds of change with a smile for once.

For once, something seems different.

And I don't hate the thought of tomorrow.

I can learn from today, and...try to understand, now that genuine is just a proper confession away.

But getting to that point is going to be a task not easily accomplished.

* * *

I wake up.

I'm not at the table in a chair.

I'm not in my bed or on the couch.

 _I'm..._

I hear beeping, from something blurry beside me. My head feels like it's hot, as if there is something putting a load of pressure on it.

 _This isn't..._

"You're awake!", I hear a familiar voice say near me.

I feel two arms hug the shock right out of me.

A splendid reverie...

"What time is it?", I manage to croak, placing one unsure hand on my temple.

"It's 2:35! You've been knocked out for awhile".

"Huh? What day is it?", I say, slightly panicked. Something isn't right.

"It's Saturday! Honestly, you act like you were just dead! Stupid onii-chan!".

Komachi only hugs me tighter.

Saturday? 2:35? What happened? So many questions arise, some I know I will have to wait to get the answers to. But for now, I let Komachi hug me while she attempts to hold back tears.

"Stupid Hachiman! Stupid older brother!", she yells and burrows her head into me. "You had me so worried!'

I feel her chest rise and fall rapidly and I feel wet warmth against my collarbone.

All the while I wonder about everything, and everything that happened since.

* * *

 **Note:** Good day. Now that finals are over and it is summer, I can finally do some more chapters. Lots of good stuff happening ahead. Sorry for the delay, as if that means anything!

Thanks for the reading!


	17. Chapter 17 - Coming Up Short

The wind is calm. The afternoon sea-breeze has a nostalgic tinge to it. The day could've started off better, though, what with the unexpected hospital trip. Waking up like that is a little scary, if not unwelcome. I got to see my parents for once, even if they stared down at me like a stranded martian. I half wanted to produce my birth certificate just to prove that I am still me.

I feel strangely more uncomfortable in the family car. My dad is driving with my mom in the passenger seat, while us kiddos get to experience what it's like to be stuffed in a box like an unwanted Christmas sweater from distant family.

I am squeezed by two cute girls on either side of me.

One is my adorable sister, who has not let go of me since we left my temporary apartment. It was generous of her to see me make a recovery, but if she keeps constricting the blood flow to my hand then I might just end up back in the hospital.

The girl on my other wing is none other than nice girl Yui Yuigahama, who has been blushing since we left the parking lot.

Thinking about her sitting so close makes me want to blush too. In my experience, especially after all of these years of emotion repression, I don't think I'm capable of blushing.

Thanks to these years, I am missing some basic facial functions.

 _The repression session._

But no, I am definitely blushing at least a little. I know I felt some heat rise and flood my cheeks just skin deep.

My parents are silent as Komachi does her sisterly duty of taking any antsy situation and making it more about her, thus taking the edge off. Komachi, my social pillow, has recently discovered the joys of being a girl. Apparently, she has been courted to no end. As a young woman, she has the challenge of dealing with the filth that try to have their way with her. Luckily she has a brother like me to help thin out the line of suitors.

However...all men are vermin compared to Komachi, who is a shining embodiment of innocence and youth.

Yui is talking too, about her own experiences regarding confessions, of which there are surprisingly few. Good for her for not going out with the first strange idiot holding flowers and a box of chocolate. What does a girl need flowers for anyway? What are you supposed to do with a flower? Some people just don't know what women want...

If I really loved a girl and wanted to show her, I would simply distance myself in an effort to protect her from my vile personality- and maybe buy her a nice card.

The car jets down some streets close to home as we get further away from the hospital.

I try again to remember what Komachi tried to explain and what the doctors actually explained. At least, I can remember things that I dreamed about, if that makes any sense. I normally don't dream, and when I do, I don't really remember what I had dreamed about.

What an eclectic dream...

It was like a fusion band playing Stairway to Heaven using bluegrass instruments. Over and over again. And if that doesn't sound strange enough, these dreams were incredibly lucid, partly incredibly lucid. I can remember comprehending my situations, weighing my options, and even taking actions that feel strangely okay. As in, the actions felt well justified and even realistic. But, I didn't really feel like I was ever dreaming.

After all, I felt everything almost as real as I would here in the world with real consequences.

I don't think I would choose to suffer something like this again. The doctors ended up having to send me home for someone in need of more care than I. I feel fine, and I think they decided I was well off enough to leave. But damn...food poisoning?

If I died, I think the worst part would be the fact that I was killed by some tainted leftovers. How embarrassing would that be?

 _Hachiman Hikigaya was a mediocre student and a poor friend and brother. He never followed his dreams. His way of reason was detestable. More than that, however, he died by eating old leftovers._

I wouldn't be surprised if that was the kickstarting first line of the most depressing eulogy of all time.

The tombstone?

 _Here lies Hachiman Hikigaya. Just as disappointing in death as he was in life._

Pure comedy!

Oh wait...

My death is comedy?

Maybe if I slipped on a banana...

Certain events from a guarded vault in my hippocampus feel like yesterday never happened, and was instead replaced by multiple versions of today. As crazy as that sounds, I can't escape the feeling that there are some things that I am required to remember from my brief vacation. It would be helpful if I had a psychologist on call. He can give me Zoloft and pretend to like me for just 10000 yen.

Okay, so maybe required is not the right word. Maybe I mean that there were things among the fragments of my second life in the head dimension that I really _should_ remember.

I don't really feel like a changed man.

Events like this do require some time to mull.

My name is Hachiman Hikigaya, and overthinking is my game. I have a lifetime to consider whether or not a dream from my sub-conscience is anything to fret over.

Today is the day of the grand event known as prom, which was the crucial backdrop of my dementedly lifelike dream.

There has to be a connection.

I can just imagine Yukino Yukinoshita jostling around school, directing and organizing like an orchestra conductor. The thought of Yukino would usually fill me with an undisciplined tsunami of feelings, but now it is at most a small shower of organized sticky notes.

Yes, I feel this way.

Yes, there's nothing I can do about it.

The dream only proved that, even if it's just a silly fiction my mind created using runaway synapse signals.

Now that the day of the event has arrived, I realize that I don't really feel as dramatically about my circumstances as I did before, dreaming or not. That might not be the right way to put it. My legs drive me to walk, just like my wish regarding Yukinoshita should be motivating me to grab a tux and dash down rose-colored side walks to rescue her.

What a fantasy.

I think I know what the dream means. I feel so numb, sitting in the back seat of my dad's car. I touch my cheeks and feel my chest but my skin doesn't burn and my heart isn't pounding.

I think, if I had to draw a proverb from the mess of information, it would be that life simply goes on. It's simple, but heartbreaking. Only idiots and attention-seekers believe that life revolves around themselves. They're the kind of people who cry when it rains on their birthdays, as if their personal divinity should forbid it. Gross.

The parables of one day experiences could mean a lot more than I realize, but hey, I'm not a shrink.

Life goes on. The car drives. My legs move. My lips stay shut. Komachi keeps yammering. Life is going somewhere, just not to prom.

The car makes a hard right and up a hill. My shoulder sinks into Yuigahama's briefly and she looks away bashfully in the usual way. The maiden in love procedure. Who is she trying to hide away from? There's nothing interesting out that window, Yuigahama.

All of a sudden, a wild feeling washes over me.

I smell something from outside the confines of the tiny car. Immediately, my stomach rumbles intensely and I pray that nobody can hear it. I reach down and left and feel my pocket to ensure my wallet is inside. Good. Very good. I need food.

 _Decent food. Non-lethal food._

I ask my dad to pull the car over when the smell of hot yakisoba becomes too much to bear. I might even be blushing.

Naturally my dad obliged, but he waited till we got to the red light.

"You're hungry?", Yuigahama whispered before we reached the intersection, "How can you be hungry after...well, you know what".

"Step off. I do too much work to go hungry", I say, my stomach still rumbling.

"Where are you going to go?"

The car screeches at the light. My parents and I exchange goodbyes and Komachi waves. Yuigahama gets out quickly to make room for my hasty exit.

Maybe it's the stress, maybe it's the car claustrophobia, or maybe I'm just hungry, but it feels good to stretch my legs.

Komachi yells before Yuigahama can crawl back inside.

"Here! Onii-chan! Take this!"

Her skinny arm sticks out the door with a fist full of yen. Yuigahama takes a step back while I force myself to accept the yen. It's enough for a fancy, multiple course dinner at a three star restaurant. It has to be at least six months worth of Komachi savings. I'm fuming but pleased at the same time. Fuming because this has to come with a catch, and pleased because I'm starving.

Yuigahama is blushing like an idiot. The door shuts suddenly and the car rumbles down the street. I'm left on the busy street with Yuigahama and ton of spending money.

If I wanted to, I could catch the next plane out Tokyo Metropolitan. I could be in the United States by tomorrow, eating a cheese burger and watching American crime dramas.

But no, I am here with Yuigahama, which is a small price to pay for a decent meal.

It could be worse. Much worse. I could be stuck with black lace or Zaimokuza.

I begin to walk back to where all of the good scents were emanating from, knowing that Yuigahama will probably follow me like a needy puppy.

"Hey, Hikki! Wait up!"

I hear two shoes hop up next to me. Right on time.

"So...um...I guess we...", Yuigahama stammers, unsure of how to proceed with such an obvious predicament. Sometimes I forget that Yuigahama is not used to Komachi playing matchmaker.

I turn to look at her looking down at the curb.

"Hey! Shouldn't the gentleman be walking closest to the street?", Yuigahama jokes and laughs a little.

I've heard that rule before.

"Doesn't that only apply to dating couples?"

"Awww! Hikki! You're so mean! I'm a lady and I need protection! If you can't do something this simple, then how will you ever get married?"

The restaurant with the rich, enticing scent is coming up soon. I keep my eyes on the street signs hanging about the sidewalk.

"Protection from what? Are you afraid of perverts leering at you from across the street?"

"Ugh! You're hopeless!"

"What? Are you new? Have we met before? Did you lose your memory?"

 _Hopeless in the eyes of the public._

"Protection is not the point!"

I sigh, not wanting to push the topic further. Yuigahama continues to pout next to me. The people passing us must think I'm a bad boyfriend or something.

Helpless to Yuigahama's turmoil, I slow down some. I slip beside her so that she's now on my left.

I look up to register the restaurant sign glowing blue and gold. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Yuigahama looking down and turning bright red.

 _I'm only doing this for my own benefit, Yuigahama. I'm a good person, world. See!_

While Yuigahama is sitting on the revelation that I may actually have a heart, I begin my turn into the restaurant. It's not as exquisite as Komachi would've wanted it to be. It's not a bad place.

The foyer led into a giant dining room with single tables for four. They are arranged in the standard family eatery style, which is obviously how I would classify the place. There are very few customers this early in the afternoon. There is a group of college-aged girls laughing together at the bar at the end of the dining hall. There are two swinging doors for employees on either side of the bar, one for orders coming in and one for orders going out.

They aren't exactly swinging off the hinges.

Some elderly people are tucked in a corner. Probably put there in an effort to make the place seem more customized for a younger crowd. Aside from them, there is a small group of employees talking in the corner.

The storefront side is loaded with 10 foot tall window panes, while the other walls are decorated with a scattered sequence of artwork.

I walk in first, once again taking the lead while Yuigahama follows me.

"Ooooh! A chandelier!", Yuigahama points to the elaborate light fixture hanging above room. "It's so fancy! This place looks so expensive!".

Yuigahama gawks at the artwork and the woodwork on the trim of the room, which is admittedly pretty impressive.

"I could never afford to go to a place like this", Yuigahama laments.

 _Luckily for you, my sister is richer than myself._

"You don't have to spend money", I say with enthusiasm.

"Hikki! That's not okay! Dining and dashing is not okay! You'll get arrested!".

 _At the very most, I'll get kicked out and blacklisted._

"I meant that they might be hiring", I smile wickedly.

"Idiot! Easy to say when your sister lends you money!"

"Hey, if you don't want to eat here we can...", I begin to turn and exit, to give Yuigahama a chance to apologize to poor, recently poisoned Hachiman.

"Wait! Wait! Wait!", Yuigahama jumps in front of me and waves her hands, "I want to eat here! You're a perfect gentleman! I can get a job!".

I smile and return to the dining room.

* * *

One of the employees came to us from the corner begrudgingly, his conversation cut short. He shuffles across the mainly empty hall with a couple of menus and a fake smile. Yuigahama can't tell, but he probably assumes she is my girlfriend.

"Hello! Welcome to Suzuki's Bistro! Table for two?"

The usual greeting.

"Is this table okay for you two?"

If this is all it takes to be a waiter, then maybe I should apply.

We nod and take our places at a table by the window. This is nice. I can see all of the real couples pass by.

I hear a rattle on the other side of the table. Yuigahama is gazing intently at the small pictures of multi-national dishes. She looks like she's about to salivate all over the place.

 _Do your parents even feed you, Yuigahama? Do I need to contact child services?_

"I want to try this! No! Wait! This is really, really, really good!"

Poor Yuigahama is just as hungry as I am. Say goodbye to your life savings, Komachi.

The waiter comes back after a few minutes, probably worried that Yuigahama will order the whole menu.

"This is amazing! It's called Boo-illa-base!" It looks super exotic..."

"You mean Bouillabaisse?"

"Hey! I don't know any Italian! Idiot!"

"Sure...I'm sure you'll love the Austrian sushimi".

"Don't make fun of me! Mate!", Yuigahama says, ending it with a poor Australian accent.

 _I bet you think Mozart is a prescription drug for arthritis._

When the waiter returns with two glasses and a pitcher or water, he asks us for our order. Unfortunately, thanks to Yuigahama's ignorance, I haven't had a great opportunity to look at my options.

Eventually, I settle on a French-style roast. Yuigahama decided not to decide and had me pick something for her. I thought she might like something simple, so I picked a Mediterranean salad with mushroom soup. Easy on the stomach and the wallet. _Even if I pay with Komachi's money._

The waiter returns with our food.

Yuigahama shows no restraint in her mixing of the salad and the slurping of her soup. I'm impressed with how comfortable she is chowing down like this in my presence. A few months ago, I would have assumed that this was due to the fact that she doesn't perceive me as a threat. But now, it's obvious that she doesn't eat food this very often.

"Ahem", I say as she spills some salad dressing on the crimson tablecloth.

"Oh!"

Yuigahama looks up at me with big eyes, her face a sheet of embarrassment. "Ah..haha..."

"Here", I say, handing Yuigahama a napkin, "You know what this is, right?"

She swipes the napkin out of my outreached hand and imitates my sardonic sneer with a calculated cute factor.

We eat quietly for a few minutes, letting the calm atmosphere of the restaurant soothe us as we finish our meals and avoid eye contact.

Yuigahama finishes her food first.

She waits patiently for a few seconds but eventually, and predictably, she gives in to the silence.

"Hey...there's something that I want to tell you. Well, actually, I think I have two things that I want to say".

I look up from the last few bites with some disinterest.

 _What is this about?_

When I look up, however, I am feel forced to put down my fork and listen. Yuigahama has a steeled and computed look on her face that tells me that she is in full serious mode. It makes me slightly more interested in what she has to say. It also makes me lose my appetite for the rest of my late lunch.

Her smile drops- her eyes look dead at me as if staring into my soul.

"Well, go on", I say.

She takes a deep breath.

"I want to say... that when Komachi told me that you were in the hospital, I was like, really scared".

Yuigahama pauses in case I have something to say or a reaction, but I don't. I'm locked into her gaze. My forearms feel lame and tethered at my sides. This girl has changed, maybe even more than myself. It's admirable.

Her words dawn on me as something endearing rather than false, as I might've thought before. She continues with brisk confidence.

"I was worried about you. I came to see you and I called Yukinon! And...I hate the way it made me feel".

"What-", I gasp. But this time, Yuigahama doesn't stop her speech. She goes on in her own, quirky way.

"Last time I saw you in the hospital, I felt bad. But this time, I felt scared".

The table shakes a little as she rants.

Yuigahama seems to get louder the more her unraveled she becomes.

"I felt scared, because..."

She gets quiet.

"I thought I might never get a chance to tell you how I feel".

Her fingertips connect in a steeple. She can't help blushing and looking away.

Wait.

What?

A confession? At a mid-price bistro?

I figured this might happen one day in the distant future, but...

"I want to go to prom with you".

I can't find the air to breath and the colors of the world tear away. Never did I ever expect something like this to happen to me. I'm shocked and very, very not shocked at the same time. Because now it's words- not cookies, not giggles, not desperate looks.

She straightens up. She sees and seizes the moment to take command.

She returns to looking at me. Her cheeks are flushed but her lips aren't quivering.

"Hikki, I want to go to prom with you".

I feel like laughing.

 _What are you even thinking?_

"I...um...", I stutter like a geek in the presence of Patrick Stewart or Peter Jackson.

 _Can I get your autograph, nerdy overlord?_

"Hikki! Hikki, this is a date!", Yuigahama almost squeals under the pressure of the lack of reply.

"I...I mean, why?"

"I like you! I want to dance with you!", Yuigahama throws out, getting carried away.

"Okay", I say, feeling emotionally empty. And, quite frankly, I could use a serious power nap. A six hour long power nap.

"You'll go with me?!"

"Sure".

What can I say?

She wore me down.

Besides...why not?

How I feel is irrelevant...when life goes on anyway.


	18. Chapter 18 - The Return

_Hey good looking...it's been awhile._

The tux fits fine. It's threads intertwine broad and firm across every stitch. The tie proved to be too difficult again. I had to look up a tutorial on Windsor knots online. The white button-up supplements my ghostly complexion and the jet black jacket makes me look like a sour penguin.

Almost time for Komachi's intervention.

Komachi had been preparing her treatment for the past hour. I got home not too long ago only to discover that my sister had been stocking up on every cosmetology supply in the house. The bathroom and part of her bedroom is dedicated to making me look just a little more alive. I stand in her baby-blue bedroom, using her long mirror to accurately smooth out the creases on the breast portion of my jacket.

Even though I wouldn't typically be so observant about an outfit, I know that Komachi will freak out about it at some point. She would normally never let me stay in her room for this long. I would never usually require a mirror. _For obvious reasons..._

The outfit has come together. As I smooth out my tie, I pray for the thick layers of my costume to hide my anxiety. Naturally, I assume a posture of deference and civility.

I turn to the side to make sure everything is as it should be. Again, for Komachi's sake.

With forced serenity flooding my nervous system, I step away from the mirror and head to the bathroom for the final touch.

Sitting down on a wooden stool, I feel Komachi already toying with free strands of my hair. I hear her groan as she inspects every angle. Her fingers dash over my bangs and become tangled in fronds along the back of my scalp. She groans some more and reaches for some kind of shampoo.

"Just as Komachi thought..."

She clicks her tongue before stepping back and replacing the bottle in her hand with another similarly sized canister.

"...you are a lost cause..."

She sprays the toxic stuff so wildly that she doesn't notice me roll my eyes at that last comment. Of course, I'd been hearing stuff like that all of my life, but couldn't she be just a little bit supportive for now...

 _Say that my eyes are beautiful, like fractal drops of moonlight in an orb of amethyst._

"Onii-chan, your eyes look like a couple of gumballs. You really ought to buy some contacts".

"I can't afford contacts".

"Well your loving sis would be happy to buy you a set of contacts...if only someone hadn't wasted all of her money".

She said that last line as if I'd stolen her money instead of receiving it fair and square.

"That money went to a good cause. Thanks to you, I will not feel the need to find any more late night snacks".

Her hands stopped toiling on my mess of hair for a moment to shudder in private.

"Please...don't joke about that...", Komachi says calmly. She smiles in a mature way, making me feel loved and doted on at the same time. She looks down to the floor as if thinking about something.

"I won't", I say with a color of nonchalant brevity.

I can't begin to understand how the recent event effected Komachi. She was the first to help me, the first to see me when I came to, and now this. Even though I feel sad about the incident, I haven't yet stopped to consider the efforts of my dear sister.

Just as quickly as they stopped, her hands continued to work with a pair of scissors and a bottle of water. Each spray of the bottle tickled my nose. The way she cut my grown -out hair was careful and calm. The very feeling relaxed my muscles and eased my thoughts.

I can't think of anyone else I would be this relaxed around.

Mom and Dad are rarely apart of my life, but they do their best to be good parents and good workers.

Yukinoshita is like a dreary dream- an emotional hole, who of which I have failed to cleanse myself of.

Yuigahama is like a persistent nightmare- someone I do not really, truly know. I doubt that I could envision the two of us lasting more than a few dates before the stale reality sets in and replaces the passionate falsehood.

And Zaimokuza...what a weird guy...

But Komachi, whose only flaw is her unstoppable cheerfulness, has seen me through angst-filled times.

I have been so wrapped up in my own mind that I have begun to forget about those who matter most. Suddenly, any issue I faced, current or recent, seems to diminish. As my angst begins to subside, my empathy for Komachi begins to take its place.

I let Komachi finish her trimming before I speak again.

"I'm sorry", I say in a sincere voice. In reality, it probably sounded more like a croak.

"What could onii-chan be sorry for now? All of the mean things you've said and done? All of the pain and stress you've put poor Komachi through over the years?"

She smiles encouragingly, willing for me to spar with her once again.

"That's not it- I'm just sorry for me", I say with uncertainty. The least Komachi deserves if for me to be forward. However, in my hurry to repair our relationship I have failed to find the right words.

She continues to work on the face side of my hair; the bangs and the sideburns. She applies some thick residue but stays quiet, as if waiting until her hands finish to reply.

"Well you aren't exactly a picture-perfect brother, I'll say that!", she says briskly.

"Well...yeah...I'm not a picture-perfect person. I just wanted to let you know-"

"What! That you love me?! Gross! I'm not into that sort of thing and neither should you!"

Komachi pats on part of my hair to make sure it stays in place. I could see what exactly she is doing if it weren't for the fact that Komachi is separating me from the mirror.

She still smiles, once again misinterpreting my moment of resolution.

After awhile, I begin to talk myself into adding some more to my already poorly prepared closure.

"Thank you", I say finally. Even though it was said in my commonly tame voice, I know that Komachi knows that it came from the heart.

 _Yuck...that sounded really...bad. Could the god of Rom-Coms kindly edit my script?_

She smiles differently at that, for quite some time. She hums lightly while sprucing up some areas around my crown and reaching for the scissors again. I feel her ginger grip around my ears and feel her lips gracefully touch my vulnerable forehead.

At that, I feel nothing but satisfaction. Maybe my message had been successfully relayed, even if I hadn't said everything I wanted to say.

As Komachi finishes her work, I resist the urge to fall asleep. I know I'm in good care. Besides, she won't be done in too long and frankly...

I'm interested in seeing what she's done to this lost cause.

* * *

Komachi had a hard time letting me go. I walked out the door with Komachi still half-attached to me. My parents had returned to their jobs to make up for the time they had spent at the hospital. I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but I feel a little bad about the medical expenses that I had accrued. Now that I am back on my feet, I have a feeling that they will need me to contribute more to the household treasury.

Komachi peppered me with all kinds of questions. And not just about prom.

"What was it like when you were sleeping?"

"Did you have any lucid dreams?"

Dreams...that's putting it mildly.

"Are you and Yui going to do a romantic slow dance?"

I was lucky to have ignored most of the questions, but several required an answer from me as soon as possible. Such was Komachi's selective curiosity.

 _"Are you and Yui going to do a romantic slow dance?"_

 _"I don't even know how to regular dance"._

I denied Komachi's attempt to give me a quick lesson.

After stepping off the porch, I take a moment to admire the open sky. Looking up, I can see the purple canvas among plentiful stars, blanketing Chiba and all of my neighbors. A few clouds manage to fade behind the shadowy rooftops before the sun sets.

Using this moment of repose, I take a few deep breaths for the event to come.

Then, I close my eyes and focus on the tranquility of the scene. I relax and slow my heart beat.

Finally, I take one last breath for myself.

"What am I doing?" is a thought that continues to disturb me every street light and every passing car. While I seem to have finally chased off the majority of my angst, the walk to school seems to be taking its toll. I stride confidently past as closing apparel store.

I take a few unnecessary turns, subconsciously taking me on a different route and further away from the site of the prom.

Nobody would even realize that I wasn't there.

I doubt that anyone would be disappointed that Hachiman Hikigaya is not in attendance.

 _Except Yuigahama...she might run out of the building with tears in her eyes. If not for her dog, she would be lonely all night._

Wait, would that make her cry? Given how she feels, maybe.

Speaking of crying, when was the last time I cried? Infancy? No fair...that was natural for human growth.

The streets become increasingly unfamiliar. The street names are becoming harder to recognize.

In daylight, the escape would be a little easier. However, as sun sets, my setting seems to be becoming my crucible.

My wandering has gotten me farther off course than I intended. I had only wanted more time to be with myself. Then again, if I wanted to be alone then I should've stayed locked up with Komachi. I could've caught up on my shows! I could've rearranged my room furniture!

 _I sound like a lonely housewife..._

The sunlight has already evaded my path. I really should be making my way to school. I check my phone...the prom starts soon.

 _Not too bad...now to find a sign that I recognize._

As the sky becomes empty of color, I turn down another lifeless street.

I've got to be closer to the school by now...

Headlights flash from behind and speed past me. They are bright enough to light up the entire street, showcasing sleepy homes and bare yards.

As the car passes, I catch the familiar rumble of an engine I've heard before. A Rolls Royce? Something fancy, no doubt. Probably the car of some rich local.

I amend my thought after just a second.

With a screech, the black automobile stops just short of the stop sign and reverses with shocking urgency. The car stops its reverse when the rear passenger window is adjacent to me. By now, I have stopped walking.

What can I say, I seem to attract these people.

The window lowers with a whir, letting the tinted glass leave the identity of the traveler a mystery until its descent is complete.

The mother of all Ice, Mrs. Yukinoshita, eyes me with posing eyes.

"Do I recognize you? You look familiar"

"I am a classmate of your daughters", I say dispassionately.

The icy woman puts one manicured finger up to her rouge lips. She narrows her eyes. A hoax. We've met more than once in direct contact.

"Oh, yes! You look sharper than I remember". The foxy lady plods on, seeming to pose as half elderly woman and half cougar.

"I told you so. I told you that I know him!", she yells to a faceless driver. She turns back to me. Without a reply from me, she continues.

"By looking at you, I'd say you're on your way to prom. I was just there, actually, since my daughter has taken to managing the _event_ ", her face appears innocent and graceful but her words have a slight color of venom to them.

"That's right".

Mrs. Yukinoshita lets out a shrill cackle.

"You do know that you're going the wrong way, right?"

"I suppose I am".

"Well, would you like a ride? It would be a favor to my daughter!" She musters another knowing smile, full of secrets.

A ride would be helpful, but not necessary. I should be fine continuing on my own. Besides, I know better than to trust someone with such an inscrutable personality. Plus, it would be foolish to indebt myself to the enemy.

"It's okay, I'll find my way".

"Oh, I insist! You wouldn't want to be late to my daughter's prom, would you?" The haunting chill returns at "daughter's prom". Her tendencies remind me of someone else I know.

I imagine Yuigahama standing around outside looking around for me. Speaking of Yuigahama, what was up with that spontaneous confession?

I mean, the Yuigahama I know would never take such a risk. Maybe it was my brief brush with death?

Her confidence was impressive, to be sure. Either way, she deserves for me to at least be on time to the event. Even if I have to side with the enemy, I'll make it to prom on time. I can't believe what I'm thinking. I could still be dreaming?

"So! What will it be?", her smile is still fixed on me and her eyes are focused. She is measuring me up- investigating every move I make like a kid watching an ant hill.

She has all of the cards and I don't want to end up owing her but...

"Okay".

"Delightful! Come inside!".

The heavy black door creaks open, leaving Mrs. Yukinoshita vulnerable on the driver's side passenger seat.

 _I am getting some serious cougar vibes._

"It pleases me that you would take me up on my offer. I'm sure Yukino will be glad to have you in her company". She gives me what I'm certain is a quasi-judgmental sideways inspection.

It seems as though the trip, and the interview, had begun. The car peels away from the curb and turns around using a driveway. Soon enough, we are on our way.

I try to keep myself from swaying in my seat as the car turns. Mrs. Yukinoshita remains in her seat with perfect posture. The black leather seat is comfortable but not lived in. I felt more at home being sandwiched between Yuigahama and Komachi then I am here.

Ah...life as a tuna...

"Forgive me!" shrieks Mrs. Yukinoshita, "please remind me of your name!"

She feigns a scene of apology.

"Hachiman Hikigaya", I say while gazing out the window, hoping that this trip won't take long.

"Hmmm...Hikigaya. I don't know if I recall. How long have you known Yukino?", Mrs. Yukinoshita asks curtly.

Her legs cross fashionably, as if letting me know that she is still more than comfortable in my presence. Come to think of it, how long have I known Yukinoshita? Three years? Almost three years?

"I've known her since my first year at Sobu High School".

Her eyes are quickly illuminated by passing street lamps. They narrow as if in search of more information.

"Strange, she's made no mention of a Hachiman Hikigaya. Oh well...", she shrugs and stays still. I have a suspicion that she is waiting for a reaction from me.

"Apparently".

Another laugh erupts from her. This one more hearty than the other.

 _I'm in love with your daughter._

 _No..._

 _Nope. That won't do._

I keep my face out of Mrs. Yukinoshita's line of sight to ensure that she cannot judge my facial cues.

"Well, you go to Sobu High School, so you must be a hard worker! Yukino respects that. She's very intelligent...for her age, of course", Mrs. Yukinoshita quietly blunders ahead with her scheme. I wish her luck. I'm a tough nut to crack.

"She is indeed".

"You aren't a big talker, are you?"

"That's correct". She raises an eyebrow.

"I'm certain you talk plenty to Yukino. You must!"

 _Not anymore._

"Not really...", I keep my face pressed against the glass. At last, I see a street I know is near the school.

"Oh! I've been meaning to ask you. Do you know a young man by the name of Hayato Hayama? He's very popular at Sobu".

"He is popular, certainly". Come on...just a little further...

"He is very respectable. I'll have you know that he and Yukino have been close since childhood!", she says as if winking.

This gets under my skin. I definitely don't want anything to do with that guy at the moment. Replying to this with indifference will be trickier. But still...I want to know more.

"I'm happy for that...", I say, "...they do seem to have a history".

The car rounds a tight corner and we pass the last green light before reaching school grounds. Also, why am I always running in to people on the streets? Small world? Magnetism? A higher power?

"Yes. Yukino is a picky girl. Even I have had an easier time finding her a suitable...well, that's a story for another day. I'd hate to bore you".

 _Suitable what? Husband? As if she were interested in marriage._

I ignore her. At last, she clears her throat mildly, signalling minor irritation. She's a little too used to dealing with men like Hayato Hayama. She won't get an ounce of information out of me.

The car pulls up to the curb. I can hear music in the courtyard. I see a bright orb of light breaching the wall through the entrance and invading the darkness of the car's interior.

When the car is stopped, inch toward the toward and step out.

"Mr. Hikigaya, was it?"

I stop. No surprise she wants to get a last word in before I exit her web.

Although, the stuff about Hayama seemed promising. And, to add, I'll probably never get any closer to learning more about Yukinoshita than I am now.

"Yes?"

"It was good to meet you". Her sly grin mimics the feeling of jubilation. I watch it grow lifeless, probably from her revelation that I am not a threat to her or her daughter. Thanks to Yukinoshita, I know that her mother is not a force to let your guard down around.

Although, maybe in my attempt to stay closed off, I have unwillingly given her all of the data she needs to make her first impression of me complete.

After the door shuts, the car pulls away and drives off into the dreamy echo of evening.

* * *

 _Where is she? She can't be late, could she?_

I stroll into the courtyard like a underfed street cat wanders into a gilded mansion.

I feel like I'm swimming inside a sea of light. Blinding light; rows of lights line the sky like icicles hanging from a roof. These lights alternate from a deep blue to crystal white, and reach from one end of the outdoor space to the other. On both sides of the yard grow stacks of massive balloons. Intimidatingly complex rivulets of fabric decorate everything from the stairs to the wall where I stand. The array is so blinding that I can barely count a single star among it all.

Everywhere I look, I am impressed. It almost makes me glad that I had come.

However, I feel a little bit underwhelmed at the tardiness of my companion. She asked me, so she should be here.

I decide to wait to send her a message. Along with not being my style, I also wouldn't want to appear needy. Slightly concerned? Maybe. But not needy. No need to call the police over spilled milk.

The place is partly empty because I'd gotten here a little bit after opening. Streams of people will be shifting in like cattle to a beef processing plant any second now. I need only wait.

Lucky for me, I have my pick of tables.

On one side of the dance space is a fine arrangement of tables, a bar for party food and drinks, and a few games for friends to play. Each table is decorated with black and blue table cloth and an arrangement of roses that look fresh picked. It's too prestigious for a high school prom! You outdid the minister's wedding reception! It looks like Jesus is having a birthday around here...

The chairs are fold-ables, but other than those, nothing is less than perfect. The food bar is well stocked. I resist the urge to run to the mini-wieners. The game selection is just a bonus. Couples can have a choice between several popular party games meant to entertain guests in between dances. If it were my decision, I would have cut the games to put more money into the food. Then, I would have established a food token system. Guests could purchase a token for 20 yen apiece! The proceeds from that would go to a charity that just happens to share a bank account with me.

I find a table out of most people's line of sight. I activate stealth-Hikki mode and wait in silence as I watch the first few couples make their way past the ticket booth at the wall.

I take one of the roses at the center of the table and twirl it around for awhile. It feels light and the stem feels surprisingly smooth. I look up at the window space where my old club used to meet.

The rose has petals that feel like velvet. I pick a few loose petals and build a small pile until breeze comes and pushes the table cloth from underneath. I watch the petals scatter from ground to table to ground. The brightness of the lighting makes it hard to see around me, but I watch them for as long as I can. The courtyard begins to fill with a scattered arrangement of voices from the guests.

My attention returns to Yuigahama. Where could she be? Am I really that hard to find or is stealth Hikki an overpowered skill?

The rose has lost a few petals, but it still looks fine among the others. I slide it back in between a few of the healthier ones.

An image flies through my mind. An image of a chrysanthemum? It went by so quickly that it was almost imperceptible.

Through the hushed conversations I hear a voice.

"Those were expensive, you know".

I keep my self from whipping around at break-neck speeds. I keep myself from beginning a cold sweat in the middle of prom. However, I cannot keep myself from cracking the smallest, weakest, but most hopeful of smiles.

"I'm sure these weren't too much if they came from your private arboretum", I sneer.

"Only you would be so cheap".

Yukinoshita moves a little bit closer. I can hear the vibrancy in her voice; the sass and the other good stuff. Also, a secret ingredient I'll never discover. Still, I resist the want to turn around.

"You know you have to pay to get inside, right? I'm not allowed to let people in for free, even if they claim to be on the list".

"You think I want to be on your stupid list? Who else is on your list? Hayato Hayama?", I reply, remembering Mrs. Yukinoshita's words about the faultless all-star.

I don't hear any words for a while. The gap is too jarring. For once, the silence is haunting.

I turn around to find Yukinoshita looking down at the ground somewhere. Probably at nothing. Her face looks ghostly pale and done up in a light, quick fix of make-up. It looks like a rush job for Yukinoshita. Her eyes like tired and sunken, as if more than one part of her soul is missing. Still, her figure and her outfit are not things to turn a blind eye to. Yukinoshita's hair looks silky but unsophisticated. Upon closer inspection, her dress is rather wrinkly, with a few loose threads here and there. The dress is all out white. Not a single note of blue, save for her sparkling eyes.

She looks like the Ice Queen is at home in this winter wonderland.

She looks back to me after a small fight with herself. I can tell she feels the tiniest bit uncomfortable after our last conversation at the dance...

Or...wait...that didn't even happen. Strange. It feels like it really happened. Details escape me but the emotions still reside within me.

"What about Hayama?", she says in a sterile tone.

"Nothing, he's just an odd guy".

"Strange of you to admit, for someone so creepy".

"Give me a break".

She smiles tiredly. I omit the part about her mother giving me a ride to prom. I want to ask about Hayato, but I'd rather not spoil the moment.

"Want to take a walk?" I ask. Knowing I have nothing to gain means that I have nothing to fear.

The question takes her by surprise. I watch it take her breath for a moment as she registers the query. I'm not as surprised as she is. It's just an offer, in a way. Besides, I still don't see Yuigahama anywhere.

"S-sure", she says calmly.

I stand and walk with her to the gate. She whispers something to the gate keeper really quick before he lets us exit. As soon as we leave the grounds, the darkness of the descending evening encroaches our side of the wall and the youngest stars sprinkle the sky. She trails with me as I escort her away from the excitement at a steady pace. I'm sure she wouldn't be too exhausted after a small circuit around the school boundary.

Just like the rose petals, we glide away on the breeze.

"I'm surprised at you. You...you seem different. I don't know what to call it but you seem different now", Yukinoshita says in a mezzo forte voice.

I reflect on my journey to this point. I don't know what to call it either. I can't exactly tell her about my dreams. Wait, does she even know that I was in the hospital? Probably not, if she was busy here.

"I don't feel much different".

"Hilarious. Old Hikigaya wouldn't have the guts to take me on a walk", she grins at me from the side. Our steps echo on the sidewalk.

"Don't say it like that. It's just a walk".

"It's a stroll...", she says wisely.

I roll my eyes.

"It's a stroll at sundown..."

I frown in her direction. What's the point of this?

"At sundown, the night of the prom..."

"I'm surprised too. In fact, you should see a doctor. Old Yukinoshita wouldn't have made herself so vulnerable to a creep like me".

Under the breeze, I hear her whisper something. It leaves by the wind and escapes into the careless night.

"Old you wouldn't have even shown up to prom", she says with a hint of hope.

"It's as you say, I am a changed man. I no longer gaze like a pervert at attractive women. Except, I never did that".

She looks at me with her bejeweled hands on her cheeps and her mouth agape in mock surprise.

"Progress! Maybe now you can learn to sweep a lady off of her feet. Good luck finding a soulmate without eyesight", she smiles weakly.

The rhythm of our footsteps begin to subtly synchronize. We have already made it around the majority of the building. The lights from Yukinoshita's Babylonian construct comes into range. The band is playing an upbeat pop song that I don't recognize.

"Maybe I will", I joke, smiling at the thought of a blind Yukinoshita.

"Yeah?", she steams, shivering in the breeze.

"You know that I don't believe in soulmates".

"I know you don't. Anyone who does is a just an idealist loser without a single real-world experience. If it were up to me, I would abolish the word _soulmate_ ", Yukinoshita says in a slightly bitter way.

"If it were up to me, I would cancel prom. If couples need a reason to go and spend time with each other then maybe they shouldn't be in the first place. I'm surprised you went so...far", I say, regarding prom.

"I made prom night happen...", she lowers her voice to a gently wisp, "...I just needed someone to ask me to go".

My mind goes a bit haywire at that last part. We finally return to the entrance of the courtyard. The music is louder.

"What was that?", I say, still glad Yukinoshita is in such a mood as to talk to me affably. Still...I wish it could last.

 _I desperately wish that._

Yukinoshita nods to the gate guy and we re-enter together. A voice comes from behind us.

"Hikki! Yukinon! I'm finally here! I'm so so so sorry I'm so late!"

 _But...wishes usually never come true._


	19. Chapter 19 - Sacrifices

Yui Yuigahama must have spent a fortune on her dress. She looks splendid with herself, at least based on the voltage output of her smile. The ginger headed girl approaches Yukinoshita and myself as we all become wrapped by the ilk of the social crowd. It's nothing I'm not used to by now.

I feel the obligation to smile back. I force a small one into the chilled air but I don't deny the sinking feeling that I manage to ignore for Yuigahama's sake.

If things were up to me, I would continue my conversation with Yukinoshita, but it's as if I had a muzzle over my pale lips and tense jaw.

"Yukinon?", Yuigahama says curiously while she steps up to me.

I turn to see that Yukinoshita is no longer by my side and I feel a bit of breath leave my lungs while my forced smile hangs around awkwardly. I wonder where she went. I can't find her among the others.

"Hello?", I say, trying to distract Yuigahama off of the topic of the phantom Ice Queen, who had just put stealth Hikki to shame by vanishing completely.

 _What was that all about? Did she find the One Ring to Rule Them All? Should I be concerned if she starts mumbling the word "precious"?_

"Hello Hikki! I am so sorry I was late! I had to make sure everything was ready!", Yuigahama bows rapidly in order to convey maximum regret. Her hair is done up so finely, it looks rose-like. But that was probably the intention. If you ask me, all of this nonsense for a dance is just unnecessary. Of course, I appreciate the effort but...to go through such lengths for such a transient event. Although, just by looking around, one can tell that Yukinoshita has made this more than just a dance...

It looked more like a gala, or some high-end social event. If we were all of age, there would be a cocktail bar. The girls were all pretty predictably dolled up and the guys seemed to act more princely than usual. However, almost everyone was mingling. Almost everyone...

Zaimokuza has gone insane over by the band's stage. He is bouncing like a moron to the point that security may have to escort him home for public safety reasons. I can't fault him for being himself, but I pray that he doesn't approach me after this stunt...

I pardon Yuigahama and we walk a little bit farther into the courtyard.

"So...what do you think?"

"Think of what? Did you get an A on a test?"

"Hikki! I'll have you know that I am passing all of my classes, but that's not what I meant!"

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry...did you can a B on a test?"

"How did you- wait! You can't just...ugh...you...you are hopeless", Yuigahama and I stop at a table and sit down awkwardly. I don't pull out the seat for her, such is the way of an untrained bachelor.

Yuigahama takes me in for a second, her eyes and aura sparkling like jewels. She appears to be attempting to read the situation, if it can even be called that.

"May I remind you that we are here to dance?"

I gasp inwardly and my heart sinks again, but it's not like I completely forgot about why I'm here. I haven't forgotten about the weirdness of the past few days...or day...

 _Whatever, still weird._

"I know, I just want to rest for a little. I had to walk here, you know".

"Wow, you're so hardworking. It's good to know that you put some effort in to this...", Yuigahama twirls a strand of her hair shyly. I can't really tell if she's being sarcastic or not. Wait...this is Yuigahama. I should know better.

I decide to take the compliment(?).

"It looks like you put in quite a bit of effort yourself", I say nodding toward her.

"Oh!", she squirms, "Well, I'm glad you noticed".

How could I not? Your hair makes you taller than me...

"Come to think, Hikki, I haven't seen you this well dressed since the time the service club went searching for Saki-chan", Yuigahama says, referring to Kawasaki (code name: Black Lace).

"Well that was for a special occasion", I say smugly, just trying to pass the time a bit. Tonight will be a long night. At least Yuigahama isn't the worst person to be stuck with. Although, she certainly isn't the best. My mind flickers an image of Saika Totsuka. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Saika around here yet. I resist the urge to send him an email.

 _I need to find you! Before the clock strikes 12!_

"And what kind of occasion is this?", Yuigahama asks.

"Well, I just came from another dance...", I say with the shadow of a wink.

"What! Hikki!..."

You can't be serious...I just saw you recently...

I already agreed to come here. _With you._ I grit my teeth and clasp my hands beneath the table.

"What! My girlfriend goes to another school", I shrug, milking this for all it's worth.

Although, I decide it would be mean-spirited to continue.

"Only joking", I say reassuringly. Yuigahama's face lifts up with a frown.

"How dare you! Teasing your date like that!", she says with a smile that just says it all. She is smitten with me. And for the love of all things, I cannot figure out why.

"Um...Uh...", Yuigahama stammers. I see her eyes go wide with her finger raised and twitching to something behind me.

 _Please don't be Zaimokuza...please don't be Zaimokuza..._

I see two delicate hands slam down on the place in front of me with one arm on each side of my head. Her hands make a boom noise that makes Yuigahama jump. I dare not move a muscle.

 _Please be Zaimokuza..._

Well, I honestly would mind her company less if she were on better terms with her sister.

"Good evening, Hikigaya!", Haruno says chaotically. I look behind me to see Haruno with fire in her eyes.

"I see you have chosen a deadly path!"

 _Agh...what do you mean?_

I feel Haruno lower her head and lips next to my ear while her hands stay planted in my way. In a threatening whisper, she speaks.

"Don't you know how this is making Yukino feel?"

I reply quickly and unafraid to be open about this topic.

"As if she'd mind, she left awhile ago".

"Where did she go Haruno?", Yuigahama squeaks.

"How should I know, it's not like I have a Yukino-radar. Shouldn't her best friends know where she went?"

Haruno has still decided to keep her hands on the table.

"Let's you and I have a little heart-to-heart over by the snacks, huh?", Haruno lifts her arms and allows me time to stand and walk with her. After I look at Yuigahama for consultation, her face twitches and nods.

"I'll be here, just don't forget about me!"

I slowly stand, letting the chair squeak as it is pushed back.

Haruno and I stand face to face by the cookie platter. She looks at me like the grim reaper but with he usual, natural playfulness. I must not let down my guard.

"You are pretty dim, huh?"

"Excuse me?"

"I would think that brush with death you had earlier would've forced you to clean up your act", she toys with her own dress. She seems strangely unnerved. Almost in a hurry...

"How did you-?"

"I hear alot of rumors...just innocent scuttlebutt. I just had you confirm it". Sneaky...

Komachi? Yuigahama? Who is the turncoat?

"I also heard that you and Yuigahama are an item now", she sprays out her words like an accusation.

"So? Item is just a blanket term...besides..."

"-No besides. Yukino will be so distraught. I may have to punish you for it!"

 _But...this is what Yukino wanted to begin with._

"Distraught? Do you know your sister at all?"

"I like to think so. Especially since I know so much about relationships. You know- things like dependency, trust, and-"

"-I know, something crueler than trust".

"So maybe you do understand...at least some of it!", Haruno giggles victoriously.

"Whatever the case, I happen to be in this position based on your sister's instruction. Don't hate me when I try to carry it out".

Haruno looks at me skeptically. Her haste returns.

"So Yuigahama is just a..."

"...I prefer not to think of it like that".

There is a small pause. Haruno's eyes flash cold when she spots something over my shoulder. I turn to look but she stays me with a hand on my cheek.

"I think you're out of time, Hikigaya. I know you're almost out of time. Don't make me punish you..."

With that, Haruno spins around and runs by the snack table toward a group of people.

"It was good talking to you, too". Her parting words strike me as somehow severe. They sit on my chest like a hundred pounds of weight. I consider them closely. Whatever had gotten into Yukinoshita earlier must be contagious.

I remember Haruno's warm hand on my cheek. It felt gracious, but...what was she looking at with such resolve? Whatever caused her disappearance is gone now.

"Hikki!", I turn to see Yuigahama wave me back into reality.

As soon as I sit down in my chair, Yuigahama says those fateful words.

"Hikki...", she whispers, "let's dance". I feel the magic is in the air for her, and decide not to put this off any longer.

There is not a trace of fear in her eyes. She looks beautiful as she stands and slowly works her small fingers into mine.

This feels like a dream...but it's not. Not this time. She takes me into the thick of the dancing, for all to see, and leads my hand to her waist. I feel her warmth for real- see her light up like a firework and smile enchantingly. All real. No escape. I feel like an animal trapped in a zoo. I wonder if anyone I care about is watching this happen. A truly historic moment in the life of Hachiman Hikigaya, and it's all happening at the speed of light. Yet every second feels like an hour of sinister emotional paucity.

We begin to sway like storybook royalty, and the rest is history.

* * *

(Yukino's POV)

"Yukino?"

She watches them like a sparrow. No. Like a raven.

"Heyo!"

They glow with a strange florescence as they spin in this music box of her own design.

"Yukino...", Iroha groans. She dares to nudge the brave leader of this event.

Yukino snaps alive to look at Iroha with a wide smile. "Yes Mrs. Isshiki?", she says mildly, looking away from the window.

"Well um...I just wanted to say that everything looks like a success. People seem to really be enjoying themselves!".

"Thank you. I really appreciate that", Yukino turns back to the window.

"I really appreciate this. I mean, it's one for the history books".

Yukino doesn't respond. Instead, her eyes are peeled dryly.

"Well...I guess I'll leave you alone. You seem awfully distracted, haha!", Iroha laughs nervously, unsure of her friend's behavior.

"Oh...yes..."

Yukino lets her head nod to the window as a substitute for Iroha.

"What is so captivating anyways?", whispers Iroha. Iroha moves close to Yukino to get a good view of the courtyard and the festivities held within.

Yukino winces. Iroha eyes the scene.

Eventually, Iroha spots Yui and Hachiman dancing closely.

Although the couple is too far away to examine the expressions of the dancers, their closeness is apparent.

Iroha fails to speak, but eventually decides to try to say something.

"Haha! I didn't see that coming!", Iroha sighs, letting her eyes droop and her body slack. "I guess they had something going on, huh?"

Iroha turns to see what Yukino might reply, but her face is cast in a heavy barrier. It's too difficult to read for Iroha, who assumes that Yukino is simply fatigued from such a busy day.

Wordlessly, Iroha backs off a little before turning around to face the darkness of the school interior.

 _"I can't say I'm happy for him, but at least he's taking the_ _initiative_ ", Iroha thinks, holding back the emotions rising within her for her friend.

As she walks into the star-filled evening full of cheerful faces, Iroha can't forget Yukino's sullen attitude. Had she been considering similar feelings? " _I must be overthinking things again..."_ , Iroha thinks.

Iroha can't help herself. She turns around slowly and stealthily to find that Yukino had not moved from the window.

" _Strange..._ ", Iroha thinks.

 _"She looks almost...brokenhearted"_.

* * *

(Hachiman's POV)

The band finally decides to take a break from playing. There were a good mix of up-tempo songs and ballads. Yuigahama insisted on personal contact the whole time. I, on the other hand, did my best to give off the appearance of a human having fun while I struggled to dance.

Seeing as how I have no prior experience with dancing, I can only imagine the sight of us being quite the spectacle. I seriously hope nobody was watching. I would die of embarrassment. Luckily, it appeared that Yuigahama had enjoyed herself.

We walked back to our table together. Yuigahama offered to get some snacks for me, but I declined. I needed to take a break by myself.

I knew a place I could go- where I could simply retreat into. A place full of nature and space.

Naturally, I told Yuigahama that I had to visit the lavatory.

I walk away from the scene of the crime, feeling rewarded by my effort to be romantic with Yuigahama and hoping that this pleases Yukinoshita. Of course, this is only the first step in fulfilling Yukinoshita's wish. It wouldn't be so bad if I would only stop cringing at the memory of the dream with the ferris wheel. That awkward nonsense...

I may have to reenact that ferris wheel dream someday, so I may as well get used to it. It's not like Yuigahama is unattractive, after all.

I walk quickly into the darkness of the building. It is so dim, I can't see in inch in front of me. This isn't running away from my problems, is it? Surely not. I'm just going to collect my thoughts in my special place.

I slow down to a shuffle as I quietly breach this particular threshold and peer into the silent void.

Bolting to the steps I ate my lunches at, I notice the serenity of the view. Even though I can hear the band jamming behind me and through the exit, the leaves rustle unopposed. The air feels nice as does the space around me. I can see the stars and even some of the moon hiding behind the winding branches of the non-hostile trees.

The scene eases me into a state of peace. I let myself lean back against the cool, grainy pavement of the top step. My leg leans against the railing for extra support.

Ah, the sea breeze. My special place never seems to fail.

Not too long after I close my eyes and forget about the dancing do I hear an unwelcome guest. Actually, make that two unwelcome guests.

 _Intruders...in the sacred garden! How shameless they must be to taint this place with their unholy presence!_

"Thanks for coming out here to talk with me".

Wait! Hayato?

"Don't mention it".

Yukinoshita?

What is going on here? I don't move and pray that neither person sees me. Although, it's so dark out that they probably wouldn't find me with eyes alone. I listen intently, trying to ignore the fluttering leaves and background band music.

"So...", Hayato begins. "Tonight...it's really something".

"So I've been told", Yukinoshita replies emptily.

"I just mean that it feels really special. I can tell how much work you put into making this prom amazing".

Hayato continues after realizing that Yukinoshita has no reply.

"Can I ask you something?", Hayato asks.

"Go ahead".

"This prom? Why put so much effort into it? I'm sure we could've managed with a private party somewhere?"

Yukinoshita answered immediately, with an impatient tone.

"I had a lot of reasons".

"And did any of them have to do with your service club?", Hayato persists, trying to enlighten himself for some hidden reason. I can barely make the two out. To me, they appear just as two voices dressed in black while my eyes slowly adjust.

"Ha. Even if, what does it matter. There is no service club".

As true as it is, it hurts to hear, especially from its founder. Even though she will continue to help as only Yukinoshita can, I realize the meaning behind her words.

"Haha! I guess you're right. Never mind that now, there is something...I want to talk to you about".

"I see...", she says as if already knowing the topic Hayato wishes to discuss.

"Yeah...about Yumiko, she'll be fine. She's just hot-tempered sometimes. She'll get over it soon, I promise".

"It..."

I picture Yukinoshita getting one of Hayato's famous smiles.

 _What does Yumiko have to do with any of this?_

I imagine Yukinoshita and Yumiko getting into another violent scrap.

"So, I'm sure that your mother has already told you", Hayato says, as if he's trying to hide his own fear.

 _Mother?_

 _"_ She...has..."

I see the taller of the two black figures get closer, and put a hand-like appendage on Yukinoshita's face (presumably).

"Yukino", Hayato says firmly, "you know that this is out of my hands".

I cringe and feel my heart beat faster. Somehow, this makes sense. This all makes sense. With foresight, I can predict what is happening here and to be honest, I saw it coming. Even if I had hoped otherwise, nothing could stop Yukinoshita from being used by her family in this manner. I see Yukinoshita step back. Even her posture seems weaker.

"Hayato", Yukinoshita says coldly, "please...don't make this harder. I told you that my mother told me".

"I know...but that's not enough!", I wince as Hayato raises his voice only a little. "We need to consider this seriously. Sacrifices...have to be made".

"I don't want to be sacrificed", Yukinoshita says, taking yet another step back.

"Don't be like that. You'll only make things harder on yourself! As a Yukinoshita, this is your duty. As a Hayama, this is mine".

Yukinoshita stands her ground but doesn't say anything. I want to jump up and say something. But...this is neither the time nor the place. Besides, who on Earth would listen to good ole Hachiman. Hachiman, who up until now had been silently creeping about, eavesdropping on other people...

"There's nothing we can do about it", Hayato continues with more reservation. I can tell he is withholding some other emotions. Possibly delight? He is good masking his words.

I feel heat rise from my chest and into my cheeks. Anger surges throughout me. My fists tighten without warning and I feel the shackles of jealousy dragging me back into a depressed state.

Hayato turns to leave back through the door.

"Hey", Yukinoshita calls, "Please, don't call me Yukino. At least do that".

Hayato pauses, then continues on his way, leaving behind Yukinoshita, me, and the rustling leaves.

My arms and hands quiver restlessly near my chest, where I can feel the force of my thumping heart. Still, I will remain here until Yukinoshita leaves as well.

I feel the need to follow her as soon as she sorrowfully trudges somewhere back inside the building.

I stand on unsteady legs. They too feel weak from the pent up anger. Naturally, I assume the demeanor of an apathetic gentleman. However, I feel overwhelmed by the idea of Yukinoshita marrying Hayato. Anyone but him, please.

The entryway is quiet, as is the lobby where I thought I saw Yukinoshita walk.

Listening past the rumble of the crowd and band, I hear weak footsteps ascend somewhere to the right. Without a sound, I trail the girl with no idea of what to say or how to act.

Though I am fighting back many emotions, I at least understand their meaning.

For once, I am not afraid of them.

So...

It's not a matter of what I feel or my desire to voice them.

It's the fact that I am prevented from doing anything. More so now than ever, what with Hayato's speech to Yukinoshita just seconds ago.

Yuigahama fades from existence when I find Yukinoshita.

She hasn't noticed me yet, but I see her wet face from the window's reflection. She radiates in her dress by the light of the prom. The lights outside seem more permanent than fireworks and bring a bewitching color to her person from the outside in. An nighttime rainbow of blues and silvers.

I awkwardly stop when my foot trips into the first step with a small thud.

Yukinoshita jumps around, appearing frightened.

"Don't worry, it's just me", I say to calm her.

She stares down at me for a long time while I chase away the initial butterflies. She might've smiled for a second but it's too dark to be certain.

"Oh...that's a relief", she says.

I take this opportunity to climb the stairs slowly until I reach her. My head lowered, I don't realize how close Yukinoshita is to me until I reach the last step and stand before her.

"I'm glad I found you", I say nervously but wanting to take the initiative.

"Yeah...I'm sorry I walked away before. I had...things to do".

"I'm sure..."

"Just tell Yuigahama that I'm okay. Please?"

"Of course", I say, realizing that my reserves of bravery are quickly depleting. _Yuigahama. I wonder if Yukinoshita knows._

"So, what does Hachiman Hikigaya think of prom?"

"You don't really want to know, do you?"

"I wouldn't have asked otherwise", Yukinoshita says with narrowed eyes.

"Well, it's far too flashy for my tastes. And the lack of security means that Zaimokuza was allowed in".

Looking out the window at the beautiful vista, I hear a short-lived chuckle in the darkness.

"You must remind me to have him blacklisted from all school events".

"Will do..."

I notice that we are both looking out of the window now. I can see her breath calmly out of the corner of my eye. Maybe she doesn't know about Yuigahama? I'd tell her now, but I know she'll find out eventually. I don't want to ruin this.

"Hey...Hikigaya?"

"Hm?"

"Do you remember the day of the marathon?"

 _The memory hits me like a bus. How could I ever forget? The infirmary. Up until recently, there was a moment then that I had considered trivial..._

"The infirmary room...", I murmur, still facing away.

"What was that?"

"Nothing".

"It just makes me think. Even a creepy worm disguised as a human like yourself would remember that".

"Huh..."

"Unbelievable...", I catch Yukinoshita shake her head sadly.

"Nevermind then".

I look at her staring into the darker parts of the building. I sigh.

"I had just come in last place..."

Yukinoshita's head slowly rotates back to me.

"Hikigaya?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry...for everything".

"What do you have to be sorry for?", I say as Yukinoshita looks down with shame painted on her blue-tinted face.

"I just wanted you to know. And...I'm glad you remember".

I begin to reply when I feel Yukinoshita practically leap into me. Her chest pushes up against mine so fast that I stumble back a few inches. My arms remain outstretched while hers threaten to suffocate me. I feel frozen. I feel so frozen that my arms refuse to move behind her. Fitting, coming from the Ice Queen herself. I feel her dry her tears on my collar. However, even with all of this, I still get the feeling that she is holding back.

 _Why now...of all times..._

I close my eyes and beg my arms to move.

"Thank you...", Yukinoshita says. "...Hikigaya..."

"F-for what?"

I feel her mouth form a smile.

"It just doesn't matter. Not anymore".

Strangely...this feels like a goodbye. Her words rip into me like winter wind. Then, just like that, she moves away permanently.

Her hands are clasped behind her back. Her eyes reveal a deep wound under the blue flowers of her irises. I try to harness the last of her warmth, as if one day it will help me find my way back to the horizon I saw in her.

Together, we glance outside and share the same view- the same moon.

"I have to go work on something in the club room...", Yukinoshita says before leaving me to my own thoughts.

I don't say a thing, feeling exhausted. I could pass out right here.

She looks at me for a second longer, as if waiting for my turn. As if I had any cards left to play.

Yukinoshita will be Hayato's now.

I hear her footsteps fade away up the stairs and for the second time today, Yukinoshita is gone.

My collar is still wet with tears, but I figure I can just tell Yuigahama that the faucet was really strong. She'll probably believe anything...

I make my way back down the stairs. After all that was said and done here, I have no choice but to go back. Haruno was right, I am out of time. If I ever cared about Yukinoshita at all, I would have to do the right thing.

It feels lonely, as it does at night.

The band is playing another song I have no recollection of. In my head plays the symphony of helplessness- the orchestra of the last goodbye.

Yuigahama waves me over once again and a smile reappears beyond my desire to shout.

* * *

Here is the second to last chapter (I think). Feel free to leave a review. I don't care if anyone hates it, I just like doing it and I am happy to see it through haha.

Alright, then. Take care and Happy New Year.


	20. Chapter 20 - Don't Let Go

Cheese warning: reader discretion is advised.

The dance is over.

People roam around, collecting bits of property and other accessories. The band is tearing down their equipment. Even Haruno is looking a little tired, if truth be told. As for Yumiko, I can't help but pity her a little after what I had learned just a couple of long hours ago. I'm sure glad she didn't decide to show up, or else I may get some of that fury of hers on account of my relationship with the sweethearts.

I didn't say anything about the engagement stuff to Yuigahama. It's not my place, especially since I wasn't meant to know.

It's gotten colder and this tux doesn't help to keep me warm. Yukinoshita's surprise hug was such that my arms tingle at just the thought. I didn't say anything about speaking with Yukinoshita to Yuigahama either. I was supposedly in the loo, but that's what I call a white lie.

Even if I don't share with her my every piece of information, I still gave her the thrill of the dance. The dancing, of which there was more than enough, wore me out. I sleepily lounge back in my chair at a bench at the rim of the courtyard. I suck in brisk air and watch the staff clean up the place as dancers leave the grounds.

Too bad, this was a pretty place to be. Even a dead-fished-eyed cretin like myself can admit that.

I'm not interested in thinking about anything but my warm bed and cozy living space. It feels like an eternity since I've actually slept in my real bed. It'll be nice to get away from it all and put some distance between myself and this place.

But...

There is one more thing I want to do.

 _I wonder if she..._

"Hikki!"

Damn you Yuigahama and your sudden appearances.

"Oh, hey", I say with exasperation.

"You seem so tired. I never thought you were capable of this much".

 _What, you mean basic physical activity?_

"It's a bit late".

Yuigahama nods tightly, shivering slightly with her hand bag in front of her.

"And a bit cold! I think I'm ready to go..."

I stand up and guide Yuigahama away from some more volunteers who are preparing to pack up the chairs.

"I think we should".

"Everyone is leaving so fast..."

"They must be sick of dancing too".

Yuigahama gives me frustrated look while blushing. You know, the usual.

"Hey! Don't ruin this for me!"

"Ruin what? The event is over, sorry to inform".

"I know that! Look...the workers are carrying everything off...even our table!", Yuigahama frowns, scanning the remnants of the romantic festival.

Despite this, Yuigahama seems off about something else as well. Maybe she knows about Yukinoshita? Before I can ask, I hear Yuigahama.

"Everything is going so fast".

Her statement is so blunt. Yet, contrary to hers, my evening has passed very, very slowly.

"But...I don't..."

"You don't what?", I ask as we leave the protection of the school's walls.

Before we exit, I take the time to look up at a certain part of the main building. It's where the Service Club room is. I reflect on it momentarily, just to wonder about the possibility of visiting such an...important place. Strange how such a plain room can contain so much warmth; so much memory and pain. I remember even the struggles fondly. How can I walk away from such an important part of my life so easily?

My heart skips a beat when I think about who could be in that room still. Curiosity weighs on my mind.

"Hikki, I want you to know how thankful I am that you agreed to come with me tonight", Yuigahama bows gracefully. When she returns to eye level I conclude that she really is thankful. "You know...I didn't expect you to come if I asked".

"Then what made you ask?", I say, my voice soft and my throat dry.

"Um...well, I didn't know when, or if, I'd get the opportunity".

"That makes sense. I was totally on the brink of death", I smile uncomfortably, fearful of what's to come.

"Didn't I tell you not to joke about that!", Yuigahama says. Her annoyance turns into a light giggle. The sound of the busy plaza becomes lost behind us as we walk, like a fading moon.

"But...for a second, I felt really confident. I know I shouldn't be selfish, but I can't help it".

What Yuigahama said reminded me of the day the gang and I went out for a night (really, a day) on the town. Visions of the aquarium repeated like a slideshow for a second or two.

"You know everything, I'm sure. For all of the teasing we gave you, you are pretty smart. At least, smart enough to give up on that self-sacrificing stuff that Yukinon hates".

 _Gave up? What should I call what I'm doing now?_

"I appreciate that at least someone has noticed my genius", I joke.

Yuigahama smiles at me warmly.

I look back at the school with the urge to return to the place this all started. I don't know what I'll even find there if I go. Probably nothing.

"Hey, Yuigahama, I think I left something back there", I use my head to twitch towards the direction of the school.

Yuigahama stops walking. I can tell that this takes her by surprise.

"Oh..."

"I will see you soon", I comment.

"Duh! We're classmates! But Hikki, do you want to meet again?"

"Meet again?"

Yuigahama turns to face me. Her expression turns rich with uncompromising confidence.

"Like...a date".

"A date...", I whisper, as if testing the sound, save for the thought.

I catch a glimpse of the shimmering vein of hope that tends to fade in and out from time to time. It tells me to say no, but I have already done too much to reject the poor pup Yuigahama. To reject her now would be to reject Yukinoshita. But...I'd rather do it now than never. Maybe I'm going crazy, but maybe Yukinoshita's hug meant more than comfort. To me, it felt as if the same arctic fire had reignited inside of me.

To her, it was more than just a goodbye. At least, I hope.

Hope...

I hope to find out myself.

"I'm sorry, Yuigahama".

"Hikki?"

"I can't explain. I just...I have to go", I say, turning around and jogging away before the look on her disappointed face can be imprinted in my mind forever.

"Wait!"

I stop but don't reply.

"I think I understand. You don't have to force yourself to do anything anymore. I'm selfish, not desperate", Yuigahama says gently, like a fragment of fleece riding the wisps of summer wind.

"I know I don't. It's just-".

"-you don't have to explain. I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you can be honest with yourself".

I feel the hint of a blush warming my cheeks. Any more of that and I'll confess to Yuigahama by mistake.

"Yeah, me too".

Without another word, I begin my jog back to the school grounds. Maybe I just wanted to escape the familiar awkwardness or something. I'd never rejected a girl before. Maybe it was unceremonious of me, to do such a thing in such a way, but the fact remains that I had just done the unthinkable.

But hey, I'm no expert on the thinkable.

Wow...

This is is a sensation I had never thought I would be in the position of feeling. I deserves more attention. I must remember to have a polite disengagement with Yuigahama in the comfort of a quite diner.

I think, after all of the drama and all of the heartache, a simple ceasefire is the most justified for the two of us. I couldn't have asked for a more fitting end to this charade.

No alternate meanings, no repressed feelings...

Just understanding. Maturity. And perhaps, for Yui Yuigahama, a little bit of sorrow. But at least we can share in that bitter waltz.

I feel remorseful at the most. However, my chest feels so tight as I make my way back that I almost forget about the cold. It's not really cold, anyways. The status of the weather becomes so negligible when matters of the soul begin to dominate the mind.

Do newlyweds care about the humidity during the reception?

Do new mothers keep track of the thermostat during gestation?

Anyway, the more I think about the Service Club room and who I might find there, the faster my heels seem to hit the ground. I eventually begin to run toward the school.

I zoom past the gates and into the empty void where only a few straggling workers toil away at forgotten streamers and strands of random ornamentation. I don't stop to pity them. I barely hear Haruno as she calls to me from an unknown perch. All I can think about who is waiting for me upstairs, hopefully. The inner romantic in me pictures Yukinoshita, the forlorn beauty- the perfect riddle, sitting by the window.

At the very top of the stairs come the hallway and thus, the final stretch before the finish line.

I open the door to the clubroom slowly. I hold my breath, but I know that it won't make any difference in what I find.

I peek inside, inching the point of my nose into the warm room like a probe. Immediately, I want to laugh.

Lovestruck. I really am. Now that I am acutely aware of my disability- my long-time affliction, things seem more important now than usual. It almost feels as though I should be making a note of the events of today.

I look in the room, my head stuck all the way through the entry. She isn't here.

She probably left. Where did she go?

 _Where did she go?_

I want to find her, but...that somehow seems a bit silly.

I've already embarrassed myself enough. I'd be getting plenty of laughs if some agency got a hold of a manuscript of my thoughts.

"Look at this weirdo, he thinks he's on his way to win the heart of his crush! What a loser!"

I move over to the place Yukinoshita sat by the window. Touching the backrest of the chair, I listen to the air whistling through the window. Strange, the window is open.

Moonlight floods the room in a halo of pure white.

I hear her voice and I jump out of my skin.

"Hikigaya?"

 _What the hell!_

I slowly turn to face Yukinoshita like a burglar caught with a flat screen TV halfway out the door. The sight of her once again wraps my mind in a cocktail of joy and anxiety. Also, I feel jovial that I didn't walk back here and break things off with Yuigahama for no reason.

I am mostly relieved about the walking back part.

The fresh air from the open window clears my head. My shoulders relax, and I speak, albeit not that much.

"Oh...hello again", I say.

She remains in the doorway, shrouded in the trappings of evening and an empty school. "Sorry to startle you, I didn't think that...well, I thought that you left", Yukinoshita says with words made from pure deference. I don't think that she was even prepared to see me.

"It's okay", I pardon, my hands foraging deeper into my pockets. I look down at my shoes, then out the window at the moon.

Yukinoshita laughs a little, clearly thinking up something clever.

"I'm sure. You have enough practice being startled, looking into the mirror everyday", she comments. It was a funny statement, but Yukinoshita still seems remarkably off her game. Unsurprising, considering the night she's had.

I smile. I can't think of anything to say. As far as anxiety goes, this is getting pretty terrible.

The alarms sound in my head as if I were a sentient tsunami siren. This was a really bad idea. She is his...right? What did I expect to accomplish.

Yukinoshita moves an inch closer. "I need to tell you something". There is obvious discomfort in her tone.

I stay silent, fixated on her every move and at the same time planning a means of escape should the need arise.

"I should've told you when I...spoke to you earlier".

"You mean when you hugged me?" I say, cloyingly, trying to diffuse the bad atmosphere. _May be a bad choice of words? Just maybe?_

She steps into the light of the moon, smiling.

"Oh please, you hugged me. I would never hug such a disgusting human. Besides, it wasn't even a hug". I wish it were always this easy to make Yukinoshita smile. It takes me back to the days before things got so...lost in translation. It reminds me of the small moments that seemed so trivial then.

I payed attention to a lot of things. People talking. Social systems that seem useless to me. All of that made me who I am now. But after seeing what I'd seen, I realize just how much of her happiness made me happy. As corny as it sounds, I would gladly take the worst of Yukinoshita's verbal stingers if it meant I could see her content.

"Anyway, I need to tell you something-", she continues, "-as you know, Hayato and I are very old...acquaintances and-"

"Oh, no, it's really-", I interject, understanding the subject and wanting Yukinoshita to not have to retread it.

"Just let me finish. Please. It won't be easy to hear. But, I've known you for the better part of these past few years. It seems like yesterday that you were forced to join the service club. Remember when you asked if we could be friends?"

...

"Yes".

"Well, friends tell each other certain, difficult-to-hear things. You deserve to know".

She had never put it into words before.

As I take a step away from the window, towards the center of the room, I see that Yukinoshita has a very different appearance than the one she wore when the night was young. Come to think of it, it must be pretty late by now. Close to midnight? Maybe.

I see that she has shed most of her outfit. Her legs had been stripped of pantyhose, leading down to her pale, bare feet. In her hands hold her shoes. Her hair has been let down and appears mangled. Yukinoshita's ebony mane eclipses her slender face, the canvas on which tear trails are deftly wiped away. Her make-up had been almost eradicated, as if done in a frenzy. She looks like a completely vulnerable version of Yukinoshita. Yukinoshita, a strong yet somehow still fragile girl.

Not many could survive the pressures currently placed on her.

"I know about that", I say, trying to distance myself from an unnecessary conversation.

She looks at me with wide eyes.

"You know?"

"I might have overheard...in the courtyard", I say timidly.

She smiles and raises an eyebrow.

"Were you spying on me?", she asks, obviously not in the mood for bullshit or head games.

"No. Actually, I was there before you and Hayato spoke", I say shyly. I feel like a cornered animal, trapped in an inescapable furrow.

The moonlight casts a spotlight on Yukinoshita's confused face. She appears to be a spinning in a combination of relief and indignation. Tension is mounting in the room, like a storm on the horizon.

"Well, I guess you know then", she says thoughtfully and looks off to the side. However, after a second, she returns to a state of confusion. "Wait, if you were out there at the time, you weren't with Yuigahama, right?"

Busted. Turns out she's not the only one with something to say.

"Yeah. I was taking a break. Dancing was getting pretty...um".

"Please. I saw you dancing. You barely moved a muscle", she said, cracking a smile.

"You saw me dancing?", I ask suspiciously, making Yukinoshita blush enough to bring a shade of rouge to her face.

"Hikigaya. I want you to be honest. I expect nothing less than the brutal truth from you. You've never let me down before".

 _Oh if only you knew..._

I'm sure she's referring to my blatant disregard for social tact. Yukinoshita takes a deep breath and moves along.

"Are you dating Yuigahama officially?"

I frown. I can't contain the festering guilt- the very possibility that I had done something wrong. But I knew the truth...playing out a fake romance is no way to live. I need to be honest. Or else, what have I learned? Indeed, I knew the truth.

And I knew that so must Yukinoshita, despite her inevitable disappointment.

 _She was engaged to be married, so what was the harm in the first place?_ I reflect, feeling shades of grey depression surging toward the fibers of my being and threatening to take over.

I take a step closer.

She is only going to ask once, so I can't give her any bullshit.

"Yuigahama and I..."

Yukinoshita takes a step back warily.

I suck in my breath. "...we're not dating. We're staying friends". I summon enough courage to state this meaningfully.

Yukinoshita frowns, her eyes turning icy.

"Is this really what you want?".

"I can't tell you what I want", I say quietly.

She steps further away. "I thought you could, at least, take my request into account", she says shakily, wrought with a certifiable flurry of emotion. Understandably all out of sadness, Yukinoshita resorts to anger.

"I did, I came here-"

"Just listen. I thought that this was behind us. I thought that you had made up your mind. Otherwise..."

She raises her voice subtly and I attempt to match it.

"Otherwise what?"

"I've already told you. It doesn't matter now. I told you the day I gave you my request. I told you on the stairs, and you already forgot. You must be more pathetic than I thought".

"I don't-"

"And how do you think Yuigahama feels? Did you think for one second to consider her feelings?"

The Ice Queen emerges.

"I don't know what to say".

"Why did you come back here? Did you want to tell me something? Did you want to tell me not to marry Hayama?" She says harshly, making sure to add Hayato's first name to effect.

Her eyes are full of terrible secrets. She hides things so well, but for some reason it almost feels like she wants me to do all of these things. A wistful notion.

"I thought you wanted the truth".

"That's not what this is about".

I am beginning to feel heat coming from my chest like a boiler operating on high pressure. I hasten to calm myself down, letting the smallest amounts of boiler steam escape.

"What is this all about?", I say between sharp breaths.

"You know. You know everything, don't you. And now you come here for no reason. You want to tell me you love me? Go ahead. I can't wait to say no".

I feel anger surging through my chest.

"It's what you're used to, right?"

I attempt to calm myself down. I know her well enough. She wouldn't normally be this cruel without additional stress. She has to marry Hayato. Even so, I feel outraged. It somehow hurts more coming from the Ice Queen herself, with words cold and eyes passionate.

"I'm sorry", I say, gritting my teeth.

"How? You don't know. You barely know who I am. I spend all my time putting this together, putting my life together," she gestures to our environment, meaning the service club and the prom, "and you weren't there".

"I was..."

"I know where you were. I'm not talking about that..."

She sighs. I feel the icy mist coming off of her breath.

"To think that I gave you so many chances".

I look at her quizzically.

"You must be stupid to not have figured out _anything_ so far. Honestly, you've had _years._ "

"What are you talking about? Besides, you said it yourself that it doesn't matter now", I vent.

"You're right. But I was still worried".

 _What is she talking about now? I'm not sure I can keep up._

"You were worried? About what?"

"About...about...", she starts to lose steam. I seem to have momentarily pacified her tirade as the Ice Queen. More than anything I want this to be over.

I desperately want that. Even if I end up completely alone.

She takes a big step away, backing up again towards the door.

Sorrowfully, she retreats into herself.

My brain begins to short circuit, as it always has in times of distress.

And, in my mind, I envision two paths where there had previously been only one path. The new path is one that I had only seen before in my latest collage of dreams. If I take that path, it could change everything. I had come close to taking that path before, but I had never fully embarked down it.

I am losing my mind. And I have run out of time.

What else do I have to lose?

"I am leaving", she says quickly. She is about to leave when I, as if possessed by a dormant side of myself, spring to action. Truth be told, I was hardly aware of what was going on. I just wanted to see her smile.

So...

For the first time...

I'll come out and say it.

In simple terms. No encryption. No generalizing.

Only genuine.

I grabbed Yukinoshita's hand gently before she could exit the room. I feel her shiver at my sudden physicality and she fights it for a moment.

I have to be out of my mind.

"Let go, Hikigaya. I have to go home".

I keep a hold on her. She turns back to me with desperation in her eyes.

"Let. Go.", she says shakily. She is fighting less now.

"I am going to be genuine. Please, fulfill my request", I say with complete piety. I hope she can hear the sincerity over her desire to escape.

Somehow, with her eyes, I can hear distant crying.

 _Please..._

 _Don't let go._

I decide to act on a whim and continue holding her hand until she turns around to face me.

There is shock and intrigue represented by her body posture. A certain new kind of tension claims a hold of the mood in the empty room. It dawns on me just how late it is, and just how alone we must be by now. If we were caught, there would be a lot to explain.

"..."

Yukinoshita faces me now, her eyes now home to a calmed sea. I can see her inner tiredness.

"I'm sorry", I say meekly.

"Don't. You don't have to-"

"I'm sorry for not dating Yuigahama after coming with her to the dance".

"..."

Yukinoshita is closer than ever, but I hardly notice. I'm on a roll of self-destruction. _It was only a matter of time._

"I apologize for...missing the chances you gave me, and not being about to figuring anything out", I say, without completely understanding what she had meant.

Yukinoshita nods.

"I'm sorry for being pathetic and stupid".

Yukinoshita grins through her sleepiness. "Don't forget that you're a creep too".

I feel like a weight is lifting off of my chest. Finally able to breath again, I continue.

"I'm sorry for not telling you anything sooner".

"What did you come here for?", Yukinoshita asks groggily. Without skipping a beat, I answer.

"I came here to make a new request, knowing full well that I do not deserve to make such a request".

She smiles. "At least you're right about some thing. You don't deserve to make a request". Yukinoshita sighs. "But...since you were genuine, I will humor you", she says in a hushed voice.

I hesitate for no more than 2 seconds.

"Can I dance with you?"

Time pauses for a moment as Yukinoshita sucks in her breath and her eyes widen in amazement and shock. She seems to be reveling in the moment.

Time only slows down for me, who awaits her reply.

"Okay".

Obviously, there are no sources for music around. Still, I take her hand delicately and lead her into the angelic light of the moon in the cloudless midnight.

Without words, we awkwardly feel for where our hands are supposed to go. I can feel her trembling hands lightly hold on to me. We slowly lock into place with one another and I pray that Yukinoshita cannot feel my heart beating out of control. I instantly know that this is real.

I love her.

I feel nervous. I feel so nervous and insecure that I think I might die. I would rather feel this than feel nothing at all like when I was dancing with Yuigahama. I wish that I could forget all about that for just this moment. I can tell that Yukinoshita is grappling with the complexities of her current situation. In a minute, however, I feel her shift her weight onto me as she lets go of those thoughts. It is as if she is trying to lay her burdens on my shoulders.

I need her to know.

We had begun to spin slowly, like a miniature ferris wheel for two.

More minutes pass, feeling like hours. Only silence.

I notice we are now closer than we were before. Yukinoshita's head is almost resting completely on my shoulder.

"I was worried about you when I heard you were in the hospital", she finally says like a soft squeak.

"Really?"

"Yeah", she says with a yawn.

We stop dancing. Our eyes connect and cease to look away just as they did in the infirmary.

"Do you want to hear my request...Hikigaya?"

"You have another request?", I ask, without moving an inch away from her.

"Yes".

"I don't see why not", I whisper.

I notice that our hands are held together between us. Neither of us are trembling now. Nothing could possibly interrupt this moment: no thought, no engagement, no falsehoods.

"Close your eyes", Yukinoshita says with nectar in the tone of her voice. Her hands squeeze mine anxiously.

I quietly obey, ready for anything.

After this, I will probably never be happier. I will probably die a satisfied man. For once, I will have something to cherish, to love, and to believe in. I have no witty soliloquy for this. I am altogether at a loss for words.

I feel the cool evening breeze lift my hair off of my forehead. Yukinoshita lets go of my hands and instead leads me by my shoulders, bringing me in closer. I think we are both being honest now.

I wanted to tell her how I feel, by any means necessary.

But...

 _It looks like she's beaten me to it._

We stay locked in place while my eyes remain closed and she tells me everything she can't seem to with words. My brain goes numb. I attempt to comprehend this most precious of things.

 _Her lips are like the ocean breeze- a message of passion- like something more fine than silk..._

 _...filling up my heart with warmth and solace._

Our lips disconnect but the feeling lingers. I open my eyes.

Then, like a rush of wind, she kisses me _again_ , deeper, until the moment feels less like a dream and more like reality. We who had somehow both wanted this to happen more than anything, had fallen too deeply to let go so quickly. I embrace her immediately so that she can't see how big I knew I had to be grinning. She holds on to me as if I were the most important person in the world. I feel her fingertips dig into my sides. I know, somehow, that she is smiling too.

We finally pull away nervously. I am the first to speak. But really, nothing needs saying. This is real, and there is no illusion.

"Yukinoshita..."

"Sorry...that was my first time".

"First time kissing?"

"Yeah...", she says, looking off to the moon with a shy smile.

I don't think either of us were completely aware of what had just happened.

"Me too", I say, trying to make her feel a little better.

We turn to each other and kiss again, presumably for good measure. The kiss says it all. Yuigahama, Hayato, Haruno. None of it matters. Our troubles can be taken care of when the sun comes up. But for now, we just want to live in the moment like an infinite twilight.

Still smiling, we walk out of the club room and down the stairs. We hold hands while walking down the sidewalk and empty crosswalks. Countless stars create a labyrinth of light up above. I've seen a million stars, but these distant specters looks somehow more spectacular. The city is quiet and my footsteps echo.

Without saying anything, we reach Yukinoshita's apartment building. Holding her hand feels indescribably right, I don't dare ruin it with my creepiness. She leads me to the elevator as if it were a completely normal moment.

And then...

I am at peace. I don't have anything in my head. It feels strange.

...

 _As it turned out, our goodbyes were just the beginning._

 _Whatever happens tomorrow, we agreed to face it together._

 _And, for whatever reason, it feels like it was a long time coming._

 _Yukino Yukinoshita._

 _The girl who called me creepy and kept on insulting me, relentlessly hurting my feelings while I fell for her._

 _Really, we are both terrible at this whole relationship thing._

 _Yukino Yukinoshita._

 _We will have a lot to do tomorrow._

 _But first..._

 _With a gentle kiss goodnight that I'll barely remember tomorrow,_

 _We fall asleep, side by side, dreaming together._


End file.
